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Taking it from the top: what is the problem?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 222240" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Ropefree, you said, "Although I apreciate the part about getting the independant skills so you do not come back...my mother started telling me I can not wait til you leave home when I was nine and she was just beginning her riguerous journey down bipolar road with the psycotic episodes. I would not burden a youth with such sentiments."</p><p></p><p>OK, so try this one (closer to what I said). "Honey, I am happy for you to continue to live here as long as you need a roof over your head. However, I accept tat one day you will want to leave. When that day comes I need to know that you will be well prepared, so we're going to begin now so you can get these skills down as second nature for you. It should also help you feel more independent and grown up, even while you live under this roof.</p><p>So here's how it will work..."</p><p></p><p>Kids will always talk, at some level. OK, he may not share his feelings about this or that, but there are ways. Even if all he does is acknowledge that you told him you were going to the shops and does he want anything, it is still talking.</p><p></p><p>You can build in the basic level of communication into the house rules. "We will tell each other where we are going and when we'll be back, so we can coordinate transport, meals and any other joint interests in our shared accommodation."</p><p></p><p>If necessary you might even be able to incorporate some level of conversation into the chores list - "You and your mother will converse, for ten minutes a day minimum, on topics of mutual agreement. Sample topics include the weather, the climate, your mutual interests, film, television, music, news events."</p><p>This is also a useful living skill.</p><p></p><p>If this is too difficult then another option (which builds up to this) is to read aloud to one another on a daily basis. I know at 17 he will feel this is babyish, but being able to read aloud well is a valuable skill, useful to people of any age. it also encourages him to learn how to use his voice effectively. Let him choose the book, or if he refuses to (or can't decide) you find one you think he will enjoy. It needn't be fiction - maybe "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking. And the reason for doing this - if difficult child reads aloud to you while you're busy with your hands preparing dinner, say, then it is a good reason for you to not get the chance to read (you're busy) and there's certainly nothing babyish about the book. You want to improve your mind, the book choice is not sending any 'therapy' message to difficult child, it also provides another opportunity to talk - "so what do you think about this book?"</p><p>If difficult child EVER says he doesn't like something, ask him why. Explain again that for the sake of learning to communicate effectively with other people, you need him to practice on you. He will find that it is a very useful skill to be able to express his own likes and dislikes, as well as his reasoning of this.</p><p></p><p>Surely as long as HE is the topic of conversation, he will be more willing to talk?</p><p></p><p>Keeping it short, so he's not finding it too onerous, is a way to build up slowly to more acceptable levels of communication. Try to stop before he gets fed up with it, while he is still enjoying it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 222240, member: 1991"] Ropefree, you said, "Although I apreciate the part about getting the independant skills so you do not come back...my mother started telling me I can not wait til you leave home when I was nine and she was just beginning her riguerous journey down bipolar road with the psycotic episodes. I would not burden a youth with such sentiments." OK, so try this one (closer to what I said). "Honey, I am happy for you to continue to live here as long as you need a roof over your head. However, I accept tat one day you will want to leave. When that day comes I need to know that you will be well prepared, so we're going to begin now so you can get these skills down as second nature for you. It should also help you feel more independent and grown up, even while you live under this roof. So here's how it will work..." Kids will always talk, at some level. OK, he may not share his feelings about this or that, but there are ways. Even if all he does is acknowledge that you told him you were going to the shops and does he want anything, it is still talking. You can build in the basic level of communication into the house rules. "We will tell each other where we are going and when we'll be back, so we can coordinate transport, meals and any other joint interests in our shared accommodation." If necessary you might even be able to incorporate some level of conversation into the chores list - "You and your mother will converse, for ten minutes a day minimum, on topics of mutual agreement. Sample topics include the weather, the climate, your mutual interests, film, television, music, news events." This is also a useful living skill. If this is too difficult then another option (which builds up to this) is to read aloud to one another on a daily basis. I know at 17 he will feel this is babyish, but being able to read aloud well is a valuable skill, useful to people of any age. it also encourages him to learn how to use his voice effectively. Let him choose the book, or if he refuses to (or can't decide) you find one you think he will enjoy. It needn't be fiction - maybe "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking. And the reason for doing this - if difficult child reads aloud to you while you're busy with your hands preparing dinner, say, then it is a good reason for you to not get the chance to read (you're busy) and there's certainly nothing babyish about the book. You want to improve your mind, the book choice is not sending any 'therapy' message to difficult child, it also provides another opportunity to talk - "so what do you think about this book?" If difficult child EVER says he doesn't like something, ask him why. Explain again that for the sake of learning to communicate effectively with other people, you need him to practice on you. He will find that it is a very useful skill to be able to express his own likes and dislikes, as well as his reasoning of this. Surely as long as HE is the topic of conversation, he will be more willing to talk? Keeping it short, so he's not finding it too onerous, is a way to build up slowly to more acceptable levels of communication. Try to stop before he gets fed up with it, while he is still enjoying it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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