taking the brunt

[Steely]

difficult child came home tonight madder than snot, (is that a phrase?) after a visit with his dad. He is yelling and accusing me of making him feel bad about himself, when obviously - I wasn't even there!!!!! Yea, I talked to him on the phone for about 30 seconds, and he says that is what he is mad about???

I know dad was trying to help him get his head out of his rear about life, and trying to help him see that he had to move on, get an education, get a job - but I assure you that his methodology was to blame it all on me. "Your mom says"...........I am so sick of this charade. Seriously. Why do I have to be the one that bares the brunt of every single issue difficult child has?

I actually am really worried about difficult child. He seems SO depressed. His dad said he actually cried when he was staying there, which I have not seen him do in years. God. Another difficult child lifetime saga? Really, I can't stand it. Then again I have been doing this for 17 years. What part of it can I not do?

As another cr@ppy side note. Tomorrow my parents are insisting that I meet with them and the lawyers about their estate if they both die, and my will. H's death has caused them to talk about death and prepare for it incessantly. I HATE it. They are leaving for another one of their "high adventure outdoor trips" (don't get me started), in a couple of days and I am dreading it. Before each of these trips they inform me where their will is, and what to do if they die. Geesh. But this is the first they have taken since H died. I am worried.

And as an additional cr@ppy cr@ppy side note - tonight I became obsessed about what H looked like when she died. I never saw her, and I need to know. But obviously that is not possible. I looked up info on drowning on the internet and actually clicked on a picture of a person that had been in water for 2 weeks.........oh, that was a smart move on my part. Not.

Yes, I have looked into support groups, and none of them start for another month or so.

Who was having the pity party? Meow? Can I come?

 

[everywoman]

Oh Steely---I love that name by the way-easy child's dance teacher and mentor's name is Steele---and I thank her quietly everyday for the way she helped shape my daughter's life--
I think that easy child is probably handling things the way most 17 year olds handle them---they don't. They hide their feelings from the ones they have to be strong for---you---and they blame the ones they know won't leave---you again. Lucky you---you have to be all things for someone who thinks you are the most clueless person on the planet---but he will get past this. One day.

You parents---they, too, obviously look to you for strength. And if they have to go through the will stuff, let them. I know its morbid and difficult to think about but...the reality is things happen. But you know that better than any of us.

About H---I think you are in another of the stages of grief. Boy it ***** when someone leaves us too early!!!! With unfinished business---But, stop looking at pictures like that!!!

Have you checked the local hospice group to find out about grief counseling???
The local hospitals? Churches??

 

[klmno]

What a day! It sounds like you have just been catching it from every angle. The "your Mom says..." approach- my Mom does that with difficult child. I think it is when people don't want to be the bad guy themselves. But Geez- that is difficult child's father making you out to be the "rule maker". I bet difficult child knows better- he knows there is more to you than that. Will difficult child talk to anyone about what is going on with him? Not necessarily a therapist- but anyone?

As far as your parents, I don't know what to say. Sometimes i think once we are grown, parents become too self absorbed and too detached and forget that we have feelings, too. It's almost like some of them think we are here to meet their every need and want and just emotionally give to them continuously without them ever thinking that we are going through things, too. I don't really understand your parents on this, Steely. But I don't understand my Mom either.

As far as death and the looks of things- My dad died when I was five in a tragic accident. I went through a few years where I could not quit visualizing what this looked like. It was horrible. Force yourself to stop. The images will last much longer than your curiosity. With me, as a child, I also felt like I should feel the pain he felt and wanted to know the pain he felt. Don't go there, Steely, it is self-destructive. It won't and can't help her and it won't and can't help you.

So, no more internet (except this board) for a while ok? Read a book- and not one about death..

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<hugs>>> shields up, we will hold them off together

 

[Shari]

Hugs, Steeley.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and sending you a gentle hug.

Love, Esther

 

[flutterbee]

(((((((hugs)))))))

I wish I had more to offer. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

You are hereby under orders not to look at anymore pics like that!! I can't handle them and I've seen more death than most (line of work) and can eat supper while watching major surgery on someone.

But I also think you're moving forward in your grief. You've passed from denial and avoidance into wanting to confront it. You need a more constructive way to confront it though. And the group you mentioned could give you guidance.

As for your parents...........

My Mom has done that with me for the past 25 yrs. I do alot of nodding, pay attention at the important parts, and let the rest pass right on thru. Even mother in law does it. Only hers is worse because at 94 she's wanting to pass on. On some level it's natural. I think with the thing with H they feel a more pressing need to make things as smooth as possible if anything should happen.

In an odd sort of way I think they're attempting to look out for you.

At 17 kids don't handle things the way we would. They hide how they really feel and then get furious with us because we can't read their minds. But it does improve with age and maturity.

((((hugs))))

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Aw jeeze. You poor kid.

I wish I could take all your troubles away...

 

[TerryJ2]

Well, now you know why your difficult child is a difficult child.

You are right. You weren't there, except in his mind. He's got to learn to think on his own and get everyone else out of his head.
Sigh.

You'll just have to grit your teeth and show up for the mtng with-your parents. I suppose they have changed it to eliminate mention of your sister, which was a necessity.
Hugs in advance.
And by the way, no matter how much you hate it, it is far better to plan ahead than to have no plan at all. We've probably all been through that sort of h*ll when a relative dies, especially an elderly relative with-stocks and property.

I agree with-Everywoman that you are in another stage of grief. It will pass. Sigh.

Wish I could help more.

 

[KTMom91]

I don't know what to say. Sending many many hugs.