Talk to me about pot....

[dashcat]

My difficult child (age 20) recently moved back in with me following a break up with her live-in doofus ...er, I mean "boyfriend". Anyway, it's been going fairly well ..or so I thought. She's been respectful, has been hanging around here when she's not working, and is appreciating the comforts of home.

When she asked to come back, I told her she could - as long as she observed my house rules which are:
1. No drugs. 2. No alcohol 3. Must maintain my standards of a clean house and 4. No internet dudes at my home. The rules aren't limited to the above, but this is where we started.

I am not always awake when she comes home from work but, when I am, she certainly appears sober. I've not seen any signs of her being high or smelled pot on her or in her car.

So what's the problem?

Well, her dad was here last night getting the WiFi set up so she could use her laptop here. He tells me, casually, this story of him witnessing a drug deal going down in the parking lot of her apartment when he helped her move out. A few minutes later, a cop pulls in and parks by another building. Dad suggests they tell cop what just went down. difficult child balks and finally says "Dad,I just took a few hits while you were out here. I can't talk to a cop stoned. OMG. Mr. Ostrich, of course, does nothing ...says nothing. Later she brags to him that I can't tell when she's high.

I did read the thread about signs of drug use. I'm not seeing any of th at here - but when she lived with her dad (for 15 months before getting the apt), her room was a toxic waste dump, she slept all the time, was moody/depressed.

My therapist told me pot users don't just stop. I'm of the age where I remember it to be fairly harmless. I smoked my share and then just drifted away from it. therapist also says that pot is much more powerful now.

What should I be looking for? I don't know if she lied to her dad to keep him from talking to the cop (and I can't believe he DIDN
T say something to the cop) or if she's really using.

Advice?
Dash

 

[Calamity Jane]

Dash,
If you can see difficult children facebook page beyond just the wall area, you would be surprised what you can find out. They and their friends make comments about getting wasted, etc. They are rarely discreet.
I'm with your therapist - if they're into it, they don't usually stop. For some people, it's like having a glass of wine or a beer after work. For others...well, the people on this forum have an entirely different experience. I hate the fact that she bragged to your ex that you can't even tell when she's high. That's not very comforting.
Her behavior right now is fine, so that's good. She must maintain obedience to your rules, and I'd suggest you tell her you reserve the right to drug test her randomly, since she's so proud of getting over on you. Then, I'd do it - one morning before she even eats breakfast, and you go in the bathrm. with her so there's no funny business. If she balks, then you have other options open to you, but it's your house, your rules. Good luck.

 

[Nancy]

My difficult child smoked pot long before I knew she was and even after I knew she hid it so well I swore she was fine. The only time I could tell was when her eyes were bloodshot or she smelled funny. She soon learned how to mask that with eyedrops and gum and body spray. So I'm not a good one to ask but I'm sorry to hear this.

My difficult child went on to bigger drugs although she still smokes pot constantly. I hope yours does not.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Sorry, Dash, I have to admit I would not have shared my observation with the police either. IF I knew the dealer and the recipient by name and reputation...maybe...especially if they had messed with my family. on the other hand husband didn't know the weight, the type, the names nor the faces. He could easily have ended up spending hours looking thru pictures at the station or being asked to sit and observe the locale for hours. Plus the dealer might know your daughter and that could lead to another problem.

Re the pot. If she smokes away from your home do you still want her out? If she has or uses drugs in your home I can see it. Almost impossible to control what happens away from the house, though. Sure wish none of us had to work thru these issues. Hugs DDD

 

[dashcat]

Good point about the drug deal DDD. You're right - he really didn't have enough information. I'm more suprised, though, that he said NOTHING to his daughter after she told him she'd been smoking pot while he was helping her move. I'm trying to wrap my head around that one ... a waste of time, to be certain.

Right now, I'm thinking that if she's toeing the line here - at least that's more than she was doing before. I probably won't confront her just yet. If I begin to see evidence (which I am apparently MISSING right now), or if her behavior changes, I will probably drug test her. I knew she had tried pot, but now I'm wondering how much she was using/still uses. And I can't help but wonder where it might lead.

I do have access to her facebook page (and not just the posts she allows family to see), and there is no drug talk at all.

I'm going to have to fine tune my powers of observation ...

Dash

 

[Nancy]

I'm going to have to fine tune my powers of observation ....

ROFL!

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

I think that DDD has a point. Did your contract say no drugs or drinking in the home or at all? Are you ready to be a policeman who constantly tears apart her room and car to search for evidence that she is smoking pot or drinking?

We recently wrote a contract with our difficult child for living at home with the help of the DBT counselor. The counselor pointed out that we cannot control what our difficult child does away from home. The contract we came up with was no drugs or alcohol in our home or coming home drunk or stoned. The counselor also suggested that we only look for drugs or alcohol if our difficult child gave us reason to suspect that she is using in the house.

I know everyone will not agree with that but in our case the thinking is that as she works through the DBT program she will learn other ways to regulate her emotions and cope with stress and anxiety and will not need the drugs or alcohol.

The counselor point blank asked me if I wanted to have to constantly be checking for evidence that she was using or drinking and I realized that I didn't want to do that anymore. So for now, our difficult child is acting polite, respectful, helping around the house, going to meetings, and starting a new job on Wednesday and that is enough for me.

If she is pulling a fast one on us I figure that we will eventually find out and the shame will be on her . . . not us.

~Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

I am another parent who thought I would know the signs of pot use and I didnt see them. I know there was plenty of times when difficult child was high and i didn't know it. The signs that I looked for later was a certain bad body odor that happens when he is using..... and sleeping all day and being up all night. I think he partly did that to avoid us when he was using but for me it is a sign. And in general I think general apathy and more volatility (which happens when they are coming down).

I also agree with Kathy. Policing them doesn't work and basically you really do not have any control over what they do at this age when they are not at home. You have say over your house and over your car but you really don't have much control over them.

TL

 

[dashcat]

Thank you for throwing the cold water of good common sense on me.

You are right. I don't want to police her and her activiity outside my home. I didn't/couldn't when she was in the apartment. She's much better off where she is now and as long as she keeps any drugs or alcohol out of here, I'll keep my mouth shut.

I guess I was just hoping not to add "substance abuse" to her list of issues. Maybe just dodge one bullet? I know in my heart that I can't wish her away from anything risky.

Dash