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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 418139" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p>Thanks, Susie.</p><p> </p><p>Wend, I appreciate your input!!!! I KNOW that there must be traits that I have that contribute to this problem. There has to be. I'm not sure that I'm really controlling, per say, but I will jump in and take charge, and sometimes that's to my own detriment. I'm perfectly happy to let someone else do it, tho. In fact, I'm happier if someone else does. But its worth exploring, thank you.</p><p> </p><p>With the roof, since I had no way of being involved in its repair, I very consciously made no attempt to direct how he did it. I had an idea, but knew I couldn't do it. All I wanted was attempts to be made to stop the leaking before the roof caved in. I asked husband to look at it, figure out what he needed/wanted to work on it. I had to nag for 2 weeks to get that done. Then I purchased/orded the supplies he wanted. Again, another 2 weeks of "letting him handle it", meanwhile, I'm in the attic, assessing the damage to the rafters, screwing up supports to good wood, so I can screw supports on Wee's ceiling into them from below to hopefully prevent it from coming down... Even if I am controlling, is that...normal? Acceptable? The roof has been leaking since Nov. I kept my mouth shut about it til March til the ceiling was about to come down. I'd have been happy to have given him my idea for fixing it, but he never asked, and I wanted to let him handle it. </p><p> </p><p>The help I turned away that he was talking about... I wrote about him taking Wee to the restaurant smelling like pee because husband wouldn't wash his clothes (he had not done any laundry, and Wee was out of clothes and wearing things out of the hamper - he happened to get a pair of pants he'd slept in and peed in, but had dried, and husband took him out like that. They got sent out of a restaurant.) When I continued to ask for help with laundry, etc, and didn't get it, I had to figure out a way to do these things myself. So about 6 weeks after the accident, I came up with the idea to get a rolling mechanic's stool to ride around the house. I could get around and have my free hand (can't use crutches with NO hands) and be able to scoot or carry things. easy child 1 got the stool and modified it with really big crazy wheels. It worked great. When i would turn down husband? When I'd roll myself into the kitchen to get a drink. Or fix my supper...I was now quite capable of getting that drink or plate back to my chair. He never asked to carry laundry or anything like that that I turned down. Then I would be a crazy woman (not that I'm not...pretty sure I am!)</p><p> </p><p>On your second point, I know I'm hyper. I am probably the ADHD poster child. lol And I really don't expect him to keep up with me or match me or even go 50/50. That's ok. In our "good" days, it was probably 75/25. And i'm ok with that. I DO expect him to keep the place from collapsing if I'm out of commission. As it is, Wend, he spends 4-8 hours in the recliner watching tv a day. That's just during the week after work. While I don't expect him to shut off the tv and never sit in the chair, if he has 6 hours a night to sit on his butt in the recliner and the only "chore" he does is fill the water tank and put his plate in the dishwasher, I just think that's a problem. My brother put in a new dryer right before my accident. The old one? You walk around it to get in my door. 5 months its sat there. husband "traded out" our second fridge for one with an ice dispenser in February. The old one? Sitting 5 feet from the dryer, blocking the sidewalk. The microwave that died in December is on top of the dryer. He has a pile of outdoor clothes he brought in from his car from hunting season on the porch that we all walk around every day and have for 2 months. If you have time for 6 hours of tv, you could at least address one or two of these things a night and really make some progress. But please let me know if my expectations are still off, because I know I'm a "do-er". But I also think if we are going to have all this stuff (camper, trailers, horses, etc), we either need a lot of money for upkeep, or we need a little more "do-er" going on. Its just not feasible for one person to keep all that up...and those are things he wanted just as much as I did...in fact, the camper and the buggy were all on him. He didn't like the old camper I had when we got married, so "we" upgraded (I was perfectly happy with my old one - I'm also a "get by-er" - but I sure do like the new one! Thus I try really hard to take care of it, cause I can't afford to replace it)</p><p> </p><p>I am certain I do things to contribute to this. If I wasn't, I'd already been outta here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 418139, member: 1848"] Thanks, Susie. Wend, I appreciate your input!!!! I KNOW that there must be traits that I have that contribute to this problem. There has to be. I'm not sure that I'm really controlling, per say, but I will jump in and take charge, and sometimes that's to my own detriment. I'm perfectly happy to let someone else do it, tho. In fact, I'm happier if someone else does. But its worth exploring, thank you. With the roof, since I had no way of being involved in its repair, I very consciously made no attempt to direct how he did it. I had an idea, but knew I couldn't do it. All I wanted was attempts to be made to stop the leaking before the roof caved in. I asked husband to look at it, figure out what he needed/wanted to work on it. I had to nag for 2 weeks to get that done. Then I purchased/orded the supplies he wanted. Again, another 2 weeks of "letting him handle it", meanwhile, I'm in the attic, assessing the damage to the rafters, screwing up supports to good wood, so I can screw supports on Wee's ceiling into them from below to hopefully prevent it from coming down... Even if I am controlling, is that...normal? Acceptable? The roof has been leaking since Nov. I kept my mouth shut about it til March til the ceiling was about to come down. I'd have been happy to have given him my idea for fixing it, but he never asked, and I wanted to let him handle it. The help I turned away that he was talking about... I wrote about him taking Wee to the restaurant smelling like pee because husband wouldn't wash his clothes (he had not done any laundry, and Wee was out of clothes and wearing things out of the hamper - he happened to get a pair of pants he'd slept in and peed in, but had dried, and husband took him out like that. They got sent out of a restaurant.) When I continued to ask for help with laundry, etc, and didn't get it, I had to figure out a way to do these things myself. So about 6 weeks after the accident, I came up with the idea to get a rolling mechanic's stool to ride around the house. I could get around and have my free hand (can't use crutches with NO hands) and be able to scoot or carry things. easy child 1 got the stool and modified it with really big crazy wheels. It worked great. When i would turn down husband? When I'd roll myself into the kitchen to get a drink. Or fix my supper...I was now quite capable of getting that drink or plate back to my chair. He never asked to carry laundry or anything like that that I turned down. Then I would be a crazy woman (not that I'm not...pretty sure I am!) On your second point, I know I'm hyper. I am probably the ADHD poster child. lol And I really don't expect him to keep up with me or match me or even go 50/50. That's ok. In our "good" days, it was probably 75/25. And i'm ok with that. I DO expect him to keep the place from collapsing if I'm out of commission. As it is, Wend, he spends 4-8 hours in the recliner watching tv a day. That's just during the week after work. While I don't expect him to shut off the tv and never sit in the chair, if he has 6 hours a night to sit on his butt in the recliner and the only "chore" he does is fill the water tank and put his plate in the dishwasher, I just think that's a problem. My brother put in a new dryer right before my accident. The old one? You walk around it to get in my door. 5 months its sat there. husband "traded out" our second fridge for one with an ice dispenser in February. The old one? Sitting 5 feet from the dryer, blocking the sidewalk. The microwave that died in December is on top of the dryer. He has a pile of outdoor clothes he brought in from his car from hunting season on the porch that we all walk around every day and have for 2 months. If you have time for 6 hours of tv, you could at least address one or two of these things a night and really make some progress. But please let me know if my expectations are still off, because I know I'm a "do-er". But I also think if we are going to have all this stuff (camper, trailers, horses, etc), we either need a lot of money for upkeep, or we need a little more "do-er" going on. Its just not feasible for one person to keep all that up...and those are things he wanted just as much as I did...in fact, the camper and the buggy were all on him. He didn't like the old camper I had when we got married, so "we" upgraded (I was perfectly happy with my old one - I'm also a "get by-er" - but I sure do like the new one! Thus I try really hard to take care of it, cause I can't afford to replace it) I am certain I do things to contribute to this. If I wasn't, I'd already been outta here. [/QUOTE]
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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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