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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 418686" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the testosterone issue, husband gets monthly injections. Not sure about gel, haven't heard of it.</p><p></p><p>Shari, Busywend had some good points. But he's got to lift his game also. I was also wondering about depression being an issue for him - it can stop a bloke in his tracks and remove whatever motivation or planning capability he should have.</p><p></p><p>When husband's testosterone is low, he becomes almost incapable of thinking clearly and does not cope with stress well. That said, he is perfection itself compared to your husband. So low testosterone is not the excuse, not if my husband can do it.</p><p></p><p>What works for us - we are in each other's pockets, we work as a team. We sometimes do the same job side by side (ie hanging out the washing) or sometimes we do different parts of te same job. But we talk to one another about it and reinforce one another as we go. We plan, we work on it.</p><p></p><p>For example - husband just came home from mother in law's. I had been out to my choir practice, I always come home tired and was eating ice cream out of the tub. husband came to me and said, "A button came off my shirt. You know I would normally sew it back on myself but I am so tired my eyes won't focus - will you sew it on for me?"</p><p>I said I was happy to, but asked him to put my tub of ice cream back in the freezer and fetch me the sewing basket. So he did. He then said, "I saw the weather forecast - I know you weren't able to do the washing this week because you had to take my sister to the airport that day. Tomorrow is our only sunny day, can you please do a load of washing? difficult child 3, will you help your mother hang out the washing tomorrow?"</p><p>I said that difficult child 3 has more schoolwork to do tomorrow, but maybe if he & I work hard together for five minutes we'll get it all out, and then he can help me fetch it in before the dewfall. I suggested an early start, we should do the washing tonight.</p><p>husband said, "Good idea. I'll start off a load now."</p><p></p><p>We talked about it all. husband wen to start off the washing, he collected what there was. Told difficult child 3 to change his underwear so it could be washed. Asked me if I had any items that hadn't yet made it into the laundry. Got it organised. Meanwhile, I sewed the button back on. difficult child 3 came down to say good night, I asked him to return the sewing basket to its place. husband is now packing his lunch for tomorrow and will come to bed soon. difficult child 3 has gone to bed. Meanwhile mother in law called to say she was safely in bed (we get her to call each night in case she has a fall and ends up on the floor all night). I passed the message on.</p><p></p><p>We talk all the time, discuss, work together. If husband is cutting his salad for his lunch and I am at the fridge, I anticipate his need and pass ingredients to him. He does the same for me.</p><p></p><p>A good technique you could try with your husband - organise a dinner between you. Maybe invite only one other couple if you want to keep it simple. But make it clear - this is to be an exercise in mutual respect and cooperation, your husband has to help you as co-chef. It doesn't matter if he's **** at cooking. You need to treat him gently and not give him a hard time if he seems useless. He on the other hand can't use incompetence as a way out. Before you begin, you both need to agree on the menu and work out your combined game plan. This includes the shopping for ingredients. You can make this simple, or complex, depending on how much fuss you want to go to.</p><p></p><p>It's not only a test of a relationship, it's good training in teamwork. And a marriage has to be teamwork.</p><p></p><p>if he ever says, "I don't do X, I don't like it," make it clear that you don't like it either but someone has to do it and you've done more than your share. We can't go through life ducking our responsibilities. We all have to take a turn to scrub the toilet.</p><p></p><p>Back to the dinner party - plan an entree (or soup), a main and dessert. Ask husband what he would like. Then ask him what he feels he can work on. Or if he needs to work as your apprentice. That way you would be in control but also working alongside. For example, "Honey, would you peel the vegetables while I season the chicken? I'll cut up the vegetables when they're peeled." </p><p>When the vegetables are done and he's looking helpless, ask him to get the baking dishes out of the drawer and turn the oven on to heat up. Check that the oven shelves are in the correct position. Of course you will need to at times stop and talk him through it.</p><p></p><p>Wash up as you go. For example, if you've prepared a soup ahead of time and the roast and vegetables are on cooking, it's time to tidy up the mess so far. Vegetable scraps are taken out to the compost heap NOW. Meanwhile the other person washes up the knives and peelers - they are best rinsed immediately, wiped dry and put away. They do not need to be left to soak and then put through a wash-up. if you're not sure, boil the kettle and scald them before putting them away. Strop knives after every use. He's a bloke - get him to be responsible for keeping the knives sharp, it's a macho thing.</p><p></p><p>Dessert can be made a day ahead. Again, work as a team. Then you can both work as a team to set the table for dinner. Get husband to choose a suitable bottle of wine and set it up in the chiller. </p><p></p><p>As you do all this, talk to one another about what you are doing. "Have you done this yet? Oh, good." or "Don't forget to do X. Do you need me to talk you through it?" Or "The recipe and directions are in this book. Any questions?"</p><p></p><p>When your friends are eating dinner with you and complimenting you (as people do) make it clear - this was a joint effort, you and husband worked as a team.</p><p></p><p>When you do this with any level of success, your kids see it and learn from it. They learn how to interact, based on your example. They also learn that this is how marriages work, how people can cooperate to get tasks accomplished.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 is fairly 'thick' and needs regular prompting. But he does care, he just needs reminders. I found that to get him to actually do something like I described, I had to supervise him much more closely and talk him through steps in a lot more detail. But his sense of accomplishment afterwards was the big pay-off.</p><p></p><p>husband is in the shower. He will be wanting some level of *something* when he emerges. Because he helped me so much, I am not too tired, which otherwise I would have been. So his help brings a payoff for him.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we need to teach the difficult child adults in our lives with the same methods we have to use on our kids.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 418686, member: 1991"] On the testosterone issue, husband gets monthly injections. Not sure about gel, haven't heard of it. Shari, Busywend had some good points. But he's got to lift his game also. I was also wondering about depression being an issue for him - it can stop a bloke in his tracks and remove whatever motivation or planning capability he should have. When husband's testosterone is low, he becomes almost incapable of thinking clearly and does not cope with stress well. That said, he is perfection itself compared to your husband. So low testosterone is not the excuse, not if my husband can do it. What works for us - we are in each other's pockets, we work as a team. We sometimes do the same job side by side (ie hanging out the washing) or sometimes we do different parts of te same job. But we talk to one another about it and reinforce one another as we go. We plan, we work on it. For example - husband just came home from mother in law's. I had been out to my choir practice, I always come home tired and was eating ice cream out of the tub. husband came to me and said, "A button came off my shirt. You know I would normally sew it back on myself but I am so tired my eyes won't focus - will you sew it on for me?" I said I was happy to, but asked him to put my tub of ice cream back in the freezer and fetch me the sewing basket. So he did. He then said, "I saw the weather forecast - I know you weren't able to do the washing this week because you had to take my sister to the airport that day. Tomorrow is our only sunny day, can you please do a load of washing? difficult child 3, will you help your mother hang out the washing tomorrow?" I said that difficult child 3 has more schoolwork to do tomorrow, but maybe if he & I work hard together for five minutes we'll get it all out, and then he can help me fetch it in before the dewfall. I suggested an early start, we should do the washing tonight. husband said, "Good idea. I'll start off a load now." We talked about it all. husband wen to start off the washing, he collected what there was. Told difficult child 3 to change his underwear so it could be washed. Asked me if I had any items that hadn't yet made it into the laundry. Got it organised. Meanwhile, I sewed the button back on. difficult child 3 came down to say good night, I asked him to return the sewing basket to its place. husband is now packing his lunch for tomorrow and will come to bed soon. difficult child 3 has gone to bed. Meanwhile mother in law called to say she was safely in bed (we get her to call each night in case she has a fall and ends up on the floor all night). I passed the message on. We talk all the time, discuss, work together. If husband is cutting his salad for his lunch and I am at the fridge, I anticipate his need and pass ingredients to him. He does the same for me. A good technique you could try with your husband - organise a dinner between you. Maybe invite only one other couple if you want to keep it simple. But make it clear - this is to be an exercise in mutual respect and cooperation, your husband has to help you as co-chef. It doesn't matter if he's **** at cooking. You need to treat him gently and not give him a hard time if he seems useless. He on the other hand can't use incompetence as a way out. Before you begin, you both need to agree on the menu and work out your combined game plan. This includes the shopping for ingredients. You can make this simple, or complex, depending on how much fuss you want to go to. It's not only a test of a relationship, it's good training in teamwork. And a marriage has to be teamwork. if he ever says, "I don't do X, I don't like it," make it clear that you don't like it either but someone has to do it and you've done more than your share. We can't go through life ducking our responsibilities. We all have to take a turn to scrub the toilet. Back to the dinner party - plan an entree (or soup), a main and dessert. Ask husband what he would like. Then ask him what he feels he can work on. Or if he needs to work as your apprentice. That way you would be in control but also working alongside. For example, "Honey, would you peel the vegetables while I season the chicken? I'll cut up the vegetables when they're peeled." When the vegetables are done and he's looking helpless, ask him to get the baking dishes out of the drawer and turn the oven on to heat up. Check that the oven shelves are in the correct position. Of course you will need to at times stop and talk him through it. Wash up as you go. For example, if you've prepared a soup ahead of time and the roast and vegetables are on cooking, it's time to tidy up the mess so far. Vegetable scraps are taken out to the compost heap NOW. Meanwhile the other person washes up the knives and peelers - they are best rinsed immediately, wiped dry and put away. They do not need to be left to soak and then put through a wash-up. if you're not sure, boil the kettle and scald them before putting them away. Strop knives after every use. He's a bloke - get him to be responsible for keeping the knives sharp, it's a macho thing. Dessert can be made a day ahead. Again, work as a team. Then you can both work as a team to set the table for dinner. Get husband to choose a suitable bottle of wine and set it up in the chiller. As you do all this, talk to one another about what you are doing. "Have you done this yet? Oh, good." or "Don't forget to do X. Do you need me to talk you through it?" Or "The recipe and directions are in this book. Any questions?" When your friends are eating dinner with you and complimenting you (as people do) make it clear - this was a joint effort, you and husband worked as a team. When you do this with any level of success, your kids see it and learn from it. They learn how to interact, based on your example. They also learn that this is how marriages work, how people can cooperate to get tasks accomplished. difficult child 1 is fairly 'thick' and needs regular prompting. But he does care, he just needs reminders. I found that to get him to actually do something like I described, I had to supervise him much more closely and talk him through steps in a lot more detail. But his sense of accomplishment afterwards was the big pay-off. husband is in the shower. He will be wanting some level of *something* when he emerges. Because he helped me so much, I am not too tired, which otherwise I would have been. So his help brings a payoff for him. Sometimes we need to teach the difficult child adults in our lives with the same methods we have to use on our kids. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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