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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 418953" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>In everything he seems to be trying to do, in every interaction, he seems to be focussed on keeping score and on comparisons. "I do X." Or you tell him you're in pain and he counters with, "me too." </p><p>'Well, buddy, the comment wasn't about you, it is not a competition. If you hurt too - I'm sorry, but this isn't about comparison. We both hurt all the time, but right now I have other stuff on top of it, it's called "recovery" and it will happen faster if I get some support and respect.'</p><p></p><p>He's just not plugged in to working as a team with you. You said today is a good day for fixing the pipe, it's urgent, he says he needs to go get firewoOd. For NEXT WINTER. OK, the pipe is important, the firewood is important (they cannot be compared though - the firewood is probably even more important in the scheme of things) but the pipe is more URGENT. There is a difference between important and urgent. Important - it has to be done, preferably before it is needed. But urgent - it has to be done TODAY, even if it is not that important. For example, you want to enter a local lottery. If you don't enter, you have no chance of winning. It would be nice to win but life will go on if you don't. However, you're going to the store anyway, so dropping in your lottery entry at the store will be convenient. You need to go to the store in the next few days to stock up on bread and milk. Going to the store is important but not urgent. Entering the lottery is urgent but not important. Both can be accomplished in one trip, if you plan.</p><p></p><p>He seems to do what he darn well wants to do, regardless of anyone else's input. That's a problem, and it also teaches bad lessons to the kids.</p><p></p><p>If my husband tried that, he would be pulled up short. Even if I had to stand in the driveway as he tried to back out - "You are not going anywhere until that pipe is fixed! The wood can wait until next weekend, although if you fix the pipe now, you can still have time to go get the wood and I might even help you." </p><p></p><p>I admit - I do tend to leave my husband to get on with things he wants to do, at his own pace. But if a job comes up that has to be done, I tell him. And hound him if I have to. I'll even offer to pitch in and help. There was a time when I was too ill to stand for long, but I could crawl. I helped do the paving, because I could do it on all fours. I took a lot longer to do it, but I did a darn good job, meticulously laying each paver and carving the sand out for it to lie nice and flat.</p><p></p><p>With my kids and their constant gaming, I have been known to threaten to pull out the fuses from the electricity meter box. "I've asked you several times already - now I'm telling you. Get off your duff and get X task done NOW. You can do it in the ad breaks if you can't bear to be parted from your TV show. I'll call you when the ad break is over, but only if you go back out to work during the next ad break. If that job doesn't get done, the TV will go off even if I have to tell the electricity company that we are no longer on the grid."</p><p></p><p>He really does sound like there's a heavy component of depression in there. Making decisions and planning often go out the window when there is depression. Cleaning up after himself is part of the "I can't plan my way out of a paper bag" issue you get in such cases. </p><p></p><p>I've also been known to go on strike. "I can't cook dinner, I have nothing clean to cook with." Take yourself and the kids out for fast food and leave him out of the equation.</p><p></p><p>My eldest sister's first husband was one such "richard cranium". I remember one time he went fishing, taking her best kitchen knife with him on the boat because it was sharp (he was useless at maintaining knives, so he took the one my sister relied on and looked after herself). He then did not follow safety procedures and capsized his dinghy on the bar coming back into the harbour. Her good, expensive kitchen knife ended up in the bottom of the bay. He couldn't understand why she was angry with him, and not concerned for his safety - the thing is, capsizings on the bar were so common that there was no danger to him. Only to everyone else trying to cross the bar without hitting his wreckage.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 418953, member: 1991"] In everything he seems to be trying to do, in every interaction, he seems to be focussed on keeping score and on comparisons. "I do X." Or you tell him you're in pain and he counters with, "me too." 'Well, buddy, the comment wasn't about you, it is not a competition. If you hurt too - I'm sorry, but this isn't about comparison. We both hurt all the time, but right now I have other stuff on top of it, it's called "recovery" and it will happen faster if I get some support and respect.' He's just not plugged in to working as a team with you. You said today is a good day for fixing the pipe, it's urgent, he says he needs to go get firewoOd. For NEXT WINTER. OK, the pipe is important, the firewood is important (they cannot be compared though - the firewood is probably even more important in the scheme of things) but the pipe is more URGENT. There is a difference between important and urgent. Important - it has to be done, preferably before it is needed. But urgent - it has to be done TODAY, even if it is not that important. For example, you want to enter a local lottery. If you don't enter, you have no chance of winning. It would be nice to win but life will go on if you don't. However, you're going to the store anyway, so dropping in your lottery entry at the store will be convenient. You need to go to the store in the next few days to stock up on bread and milk. Going to the store is important but not urgent. Entering the lottery is urgent but not important. Both can be accomplished in one trip, if you plan. He seems to do what he darn well wants to do, regardless of anyone else's input. That's a problem, and it also teaches bad lessons to the kids. If my husband tried that, he would be pulled up short. Even if I had to stand in the driveway as he tried to back out - "You are not going anywhere until that pipe is fixed! The wood can wait until next weekend, although if you fix the pipe now, you can still have time to go get the wood and I might even help you." I admit - I do tend to leave my husband to get on with things he wants to do, at his own pace. But if a job comes up that has to be done, I tell him. And hound him if I have to. I'll even offer to pitch in and help. There was a time when I was too ill to stand for long, but I could crawl. I helped do the paving, because I could do it on all fours. I took a lot longer to do it, but I did a darn good job, meticulously laying each paver and carving the sand out for it to lie nice and flat. With my kids and their constant gaming, I have been known to threaten to pull out the fuses from the electricity meter box. "I've asked you several times already - now I'm telling you. Get off your duff and get X task done NOW. You can do it in the ad breaks if you can't bear to be parted from your TV show. I'll call you when the ad break is over, but only if you go back out to work during the next ad break. If that job doesn't get done, the TV will go off even if I have to tell the electricity company that we are no longer on the grid." He really does sound like there's a heavy component of depression in there. Making decisions and planning often go out the window when there is depression. Cleaning up after himself is part of the "I can't plan my way out of a paper bag" issue you get in such cases. I've also been known to go on strike. "I can't cook dinner, I have nothing clean to cook with." Take yourself and the kids out for fast food and leave him out of the equation. My eldest sister's first husband was one such "richard cranium". I remember one time he went fishing, taking her best kitchen knife with him on the boat because it was sharp (he was useless at maintaining knives, so he took the one my sister relied on and looked after herself). He then did not follow safety procedures and capsized his dinghy on the bar coming back into the harbour. Her good, expensive kitchen knife ended up in the bottom of the bay. He couldn't understand why she was angry with him, and not concerned for his safety - the thing is, capsizings on the bar were so common that there was no danger to him. Only to everyone else trying to cross the bar without hitting his wreckage. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
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