Talked to husband.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And really, not much has changed.

    Started with loudly arguing that he did do what I asked with easy child on Sunday and that he was gonna tell her we were done with her schoolwork; if she fails she fails. I told him the real issue here wasn't really much to do with easy child 2...but he didn't get it.

    So I turned the tables. I said "what if I told wee to clean his guinea pig cage and he didn't, and I had to leave, so I asked you to handle it...what would you do?" He said he'd ask wee if he did it, then check the cage if wee said he did, or make him if wee said he didn't. I said ok, then...why does your daughter live by a different set of rules.

    And he yelled some more that she doesn't. I saiid yes, she does. I told you whaht she did, you asked her if she did it, she said no, you said done deal. I finally got him to at least agree that I shouldn't have to ask him to enforce household rules with his daughter.

    And he finally admitted that, had I not continued to bother him about it, he probably wouldn't have done anything.

    I pointed out several other instances of the same...like when she didn't go to the teacher's room when he took her to school early and claimed husband didn't tell her to and I told her she needed to apologize to him. Had I left it to him, she wouldn't have, and he agreed, he probably wouldn't have pushed it. As it was, I pushed him at 10pm and he finally told her he expected an apology. Or why wee has to hang up his coat, but why she is allowed to leave hers on the living room couch without a word...etc etc

    But, the conversation ended with Witz's grand finale...nothing. A very dejected husband got up and walked out.

    So who knows.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK, Shari - you might actually be getting somewhere with husband. I can't get mine to get that far!!!

    But I'm glad you were able to talk. And I hope it got through to him. because you cannot have two sets of rules. CanNOT.

    Hugs!!!
     
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    My suggestion would be to cut out the step of asking if a task has been done.......never give kids a chance to lie to your face....... just go find out if the task is done or give warning such as I will be checking the cage in fifteen minutes to see if you have done a good job........ or with easy child I will be calling your teacher to see if she has your assignment graded....... but I do agree it's time for you to let easy child sink or swim....... I think you have said your piece about easy child, just step out and try not to get involved (that part will kill you, cause you know husband may not step up, but he never will if you are doing it, he will figure he doesn't have to.....) Hope that after a few bad grades or failure of a class, something will sink in to either of them......

    It's difficult to watch when you know you could help, but sometimes they need to feel the consequences........

    Don't let it drive you crazy.......
     
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Quite honestly, TM, at this point, I am so sick of easy child 2's lying, and feel so strongly that its a learned behavior because mom and dad allowed it (and remember, grandma encouraged it just one year ago), that I really don't care if she fails or whatever. Letting her cards fall where they may, altho frustrating, because yes, I could help, won't be a problem. I came to terms with that last year when grandma and mom had her lying about the Nintendo DS that she was to keep hidden from us.

    My problem with easy child, tho, mostly isn't easy child. Its husband's lack of parenting, in front wee, and his undermining me in front of both of them, and his lack of doing anything in general.

    Wee isn't stupid, but he's oblivious to most of it, so far, simply cause he doesn't keep score. He notices things occassionally, tho. Like our trip out of town this past weekend....easy child doesn't like to sit up. Ever (ironically, husband does get onto her for laying across his chair...but that's it). So she lays in the seat, but she's very big, so she takes up more than half. They couldn't work it out so husband made them sit up, only one of the dogs was on the floor under easy child (they usually sit up front with me), so instead of moving the dog, he let easy child continue to lie in the seat. Of course, wee wants to know why easy child gets to lay down and he doesn't....

    And when we headed home, easy child assumed the lying down position immediately, and husband was gonna let her do it.

    I told her to sit up and she straightened up a bit but kept her feet firmly planted in the seat. And I said no, all the way, we ain't even going there this time. And of course, wee wanted to know why he couldn't lay down for the trip back, since she got to lay down for the trip up...that's where my problem lies with it.

    husband is, for all intents and purposes, the only dad wee has. What kind of message is being sent that he gets in trouble for singing, but she can p*ss her pants and lie and nothing happens to her...and how long before he gets it?
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2010
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Maybe you need.....THE BEFORE WE ........rules

    BEFORE WE GET IN THE CAR to go home

    BEFORE WE GET IN THE CAR to leave

    BEFORE WE GO IN THE STORE

    BEFORE WE >.................................

    And then girl? LAY DOWN THE LAW in a loud, aggressive, forceful tone. Then look at husband and say "ISN'T THAT RIGHT DAD?"

    and follow it up with........

    "AND IF THE RULES ARE NOT FOLLOWED THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE".....

    and then LAY DOWN THE CONSEQUENCES in an even louder more aggressive forceful tone......Then look at husband and say "ISn't that RIGHT Dad?"

    Then stick to it. Don't yell.....Don't argue....Don't engage.....Just follow through.

    (???????)
     
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I dunno, Star.

    I mean, I do the expectation thing with wee all the time...it would be easy to do with easy child 2, also. But the consequences? Even if husband agrees with me, it will be me enforcing them, which he readily admitted to happening last night and made no suggestion of being willing to change.

    And I don't have a lot of...patience?....not sure of the word...left for this situation. I am having to watch myself as it is that I am viewing easy child fairly...I know this anger will very soon be affecting that ability and my input will be jaded...I am working very hard for that not to happen, but words can't express how entirely sick of this situation I am, and I'm struggling with that. I would rather back off and do nothing than punish her unfairly (which husband also tells me I have not done....yet).
     
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    husband said on MOnday that easy child would be making up the work that's not done evne tho she can't get credit for it. So far, he hasn't said a word.

    I asked her if she had homework. After a fairly long hesitation, she said no. husband has not asked.

    Her clothes from the weekend were in a pile in the kitchen. They were wet snow clothes. husband did tell her to pick them up. She took them to her room and threw them in the corner.

    I'm hoping...but not betting, and the bad part is, I just don't even want to be around either one of them.

    Gotta be fair, I'm updating cause husband just told her to go to his room so they could "talk" - he needs to address her lying to him on Sunday. Holy moly, the floor is shaking...is that hades coming thru it???
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2010
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    good luck Shari. This is a very tough situation. I sure hope husband follows through and can get on the same page with you otherwise none of it works. Thinking of you tonight, ML
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It might be time to toss out clothing that gets left around the house. "Where's your favorite pants? They were on the floor in a wet pile so I assumed you didn't want them. I gave them to the Goodwill."

    I agree that you have to get husband on the same page as you. I'd make sure that he knows that you'll toss him to the Goodwill, too if he keeps acting like being a parent is something he doesn't want.
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We'll see.

    She got sent to her room is all. After watching 5 hours of tv, she can't watch anymore today. Ouch...harsh punishment.

    In the meantime, I told wee he needed to put some toys back on his shelf, and he hadn't done it within 5 minutes, and husband got snappy at me that wee didn't do what he was told.

    I asked wee to do it right then and he did...but if that's the way its gonne be, that's certainly not an improvement...

    Sheesh.

    I am hiding in my sewing room.
     
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I stand somewhat corrected.

    He put on a decent showing tonight, actually called easy child on two additional stories she threw at him (she claimed she asked grandma how to run the washer, andd that's why she didn't wash her clothes out - he picked up the phone and called grandma!), and enforced the no tv (he went outside and she came out of her room and plopped back in front of the tv - as soon as he came in, he immediately put herr back in her room. She also had a permission slip to go on a field trip this Friday that was due to be turned in already and she needed it signed tonight, and he didn't bail her out. She's at her mom's this weekend and had the slip to be signed for several days but forgot.

    We'll see how long it lasts.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    been there done that. I hide out too. I have things I'd rather be doing - like ANYTHING ELSE. I have people I'd rather be with - like me, myself and I.

    Lots of hugs. I so understand. But sending a kid to their room - I'd have loved that as a tween/teen! That's not "punishment"... It's cool!
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Shari, sounds like he's trying. Now is the time to keep the lines of communication open. There's nothing a husband hates more than being accused of not being a family man - not pitching in.

    husband & I sat down each week & discussed the chores & such that needed to be handled & decided who would do what. It really helped me to know that husband was doing his "manly" best to pitch in while I handled other things.

    I'm so glad that your husband is trying. AND holding easy child accountable.
     
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My, myself, and I...lol

    I am glad he did this, too, because I really am at wits' end with the entire situation..easy child's behavior, husband's lack or response to her behavior, his over-response to wee's behavior, lack of being a part of the family anymore.... This step means a lot. It would mean more if I felt he beleived in what he did, but that may take time. He tried, tho, and that's a darn good start.
     
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    That's where I get the most frustrated. I'll say something, husband will do one or two things then it's back to the same old same. I'm tempted to tell the kids tonight - wake yourselves in the morning. Onyxx never hears her alarm. Jett gets up when I turn on his light and tell him to. But... On days he is off... husband is no help.
     
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