Taming of difficult child mama bear hormones?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jun 15, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I seriously get so upset at the injustices that happen to Matthew. I mean blood boiling, I am gonna knock someone out angry. When the program he is in does something stupid, unprofessional, or unethical I want to unleash holy fury on them.

    For the most part this program is amazing, and it is turning his life around - so I should be thankful. A billion times over thankful.

    However this last 2 weeks some unbelievably stupid stuff has been going on. I will not bore you with the details - but it has been 2 hours now since I found out about something that happened to Matt that was inappropriate ~ and I still cannot think straight. If that counselor that did this was here, in front of me, I would start screaming and cussing him out (no joke - embarrassing but true). Right now I am so mad, I just cry, because I can't think of anything else to do.

    I know this innate fight response is a residual of being a warrior mom all of these years. Fighting for him and his rights for 18 years - has lead me to be hard wired. Yet, at this juncture in my life - I want to be soft wired. I do not want the surge of adrenaline that comes when I hear my kid is not being treated appropriately - because there is no where for that adrenaline to go anymore. I cannot channel it to change anything. He is 18 and in the best program in the US I could find - so it isn't going to get any better. I have to like it or lump it. Yet - all my rational thinking does not prevent the fur on the back of my neck from raising, my snout from curling, and my haunches from wanting to attack.:mad:
     
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You know, I think that's just a mom response. Even for pcs. My oldest is 27. When some rotten things happened to him a few years ago, I was just livid. I wanted to just scream and yell at the person. I didn't, but I wanted to. The thing is, you get mad, you move on. Bad things happen to good people, cliche. Another thing I try to remember, mistakes are usually not personal. I try to remember that everyone is as human as I am, they make mistakes, sometimes its on purpose, usually it's because they are having a bad day or they just weren't thinking about anyone but themselves. And I try hard to forgive them---not for what they did, but for being human and making the mistake.
     
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am sorry, Steely. It hoovers. Can you talk to Matthew on the phone about it? Wold it help? What did they do?
     
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Put it into writing as if you would send it to the director of the camp. Remember, supervisors do not always know what their staff are doing.

    I stated "as if" because I am not certain if you would want to actually mail it. He is 18 years old, an adult in the eyes of society and probably suppose to hold his own in this place without mom batting for him? However, he can still get tools from you. You can help him through the grievence process. You can encourage him to make his own report which includes a response that will assure him the correct person actually received his report. Is there an advocate or a trusted staff in the facility that he would feel comfortable asking for help in this area?

    For whatever happened - I am so sorry! Time to teach him how to join you in battle. If he says, "Mom, I don't want to make a big deal over this." your response can be, "Matt, I want you to be able to stand up for yourself. Your rights are just as important as anyone else's. If you do change your mind, please do ........ (list the process). If you do want my help, I am here."

    If he hears the strength you are passing onto him often enough with the words of how to properly stand up for himself (without the anger causing more problems), then some day soon, he may follow that advise.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Andy is right. He should have gotten a notice of Patient Rights at the beginning of his stay. That should give the procedure to file a claim. I dont know what the correct answer is in backing off. Never have figured that part out.
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Backing off is simply keeping your mouth shut and sitting on your hands.

    At least for me it is.

    It does not however stop the fury. It just prevents you from interfering when you shouldn't.

    If it's really bad, I clean. It's a distinct type of cleaning, too. Makes my kids run for cover. lol

    As irrational as it probably is, with this college thing with Travis.......I want to tell him he can't go, I want to tell him every possible horror story that is popping into my head when I think of him going off to college and a big city alone. I want to shake him til his head rattles and ask him what in hades is he thinking??

    Instead I'm keeping my mouth shut and sitting on my hands. Twice last week I did that type of cleaning. My kids scattered and I never did have to explain to them why I was cleaning like that. lol

    With practice, I'm getting better. I'm also going to win an Oscar soon for my acting. sigh I've always had an overactive maternal instinct, maybe you do too.

    If it's a real honest complaint, where difficult child could've been in danger ect, he should have a patient's bill of rights that tells him the process to file a compaint. Let HIM file the complaint and go thru the process. Odds are he won't believe it's important enough. If it is , he'll do it. But you'll find what makes us go into warrior Mom overdrive often doesn't even phase them in any real sense.

    ((hugs))
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Steely -

    I say allow Matthew the chance to handle it on his own and find an outlet for your anger. I get it, I really do - animal Moms unite and all that. At some point despite our fury - our sons have to realize that people can not walk all over them and they have a RIGHT to stand up for their own being. It may even make him feel good too.

    I still get this way - and really had to about tie myself up with the last episode with the foster family - I wanted to go jerk a knot in someones knickers and show HER what it was like to choke the smaller person - but I didn't and Dude worked it out on his own. NOT to MY satisfaction - but to his own, and that has to count for something.

    ....BUT....given the right time and place and no one looking? Someone may still get beaned in the head with a can of pork and beans in the local IGA. HOWEVER did that happen?

    There is no taming of Momma bear hormones - there is just the hopeful feeling that our cubs take the initiative and start doing the HEY YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME on their own.

    And Daisy? Girl.....I'm bringing you to my house and I plan on just peeving you off big time - then leaving and allowing you to puruse my cleaning supplies. ( I do the same thing, but after therapy it takes A LOT to make me that angry - so while my head and stress are being handled better my house is literally going to hell.) Some days you can't win.
    :whiteflag:
     
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You guys are awesome - and so right on. Matt did take the issue into his own hands, and stood up for his own rights. I unfortunately backslid a bit and called the director before Matt rallied. However it all worked out in the end where Matt stood up for what he believed in was right - and he was rewarded for that. And I once again, for future reference, will sincerely try not to make that phone call.

    You guys are right though - perhaps there is nothing that tames the mama bear feelings - and the only solution is operating through a higher level of intellectual functioning.
     
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