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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 25858" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm afraid Janna is right (not about the big head though). Without the parent on board you are fairly limited. Plus - she wants him in mainstream - WHY? Just because it's mainstream doesn't make it the right place for him. Being bright doesn't automatically mean that OF COURSE he will excel there. Is she thinking that he needs mainstream in order to access the most challenging, stimulating curriculum? Does she think her genius child will stagnate in Special Education and his brains not get the stimulation he needs? </p><p></p><p>From our own experience, this is definitely NOT the case. difficult child 3 suffered seven years of mainstream; at least six more than he should have. He learned very little and had increasingly severe behaviour problems and finally health problems. Since having his own academic program plus access to his own way of learning he has rapidly made up all the ground he lost while being forced down a mainstream path. He is now back to studying a mainstream curriculum path but still by correspondence because he simply cannot cope with a mainstream classroom. And he is doing brilliantly, near the top of his class. The correspondence class is not Special Education, it's for all sorts of kids who simply can't attend mainstream schools for various reasons, not necessarily health. Some are behaviour problems but a lot are travelling, or acting in plays or movies. difficult child 3 is mixing it academically with 'normal' kids and working ahead of most of them, purely on his own efforts. A few years ago, he sounded a lot like your student. difficult child 3 is also very bright, but for years couldn't use those brains. It was very frustrating for him.</p><p></p><p>Mainstream is not necessarily the best place for even a very bright child.</p><p></p><p>I'm sad that the mother doesn't want a communication book because of 'loss of privacy' with the after school care people. Frankly, we would have welcomed all input from anybody who had to deal with our son. But if he's in after school care - it means she works longer than school hours. This means that there is another area of contact with him other than school or home. How is he there? If the mother objects to their reading his communication diary, then she dislikes their involvement and doesn't trust them, so it's likely that their experiences are closer to yours than hers. I hope they are better than the after school care in our area - the kids there are poorly and inappropriately disciplined, so that even decent, well-behaved kids are often misbehaving or rowdy, which isn't good for kids like this to be exposed to.</p><p></p><p>Your school, in pressing charges in order to try to get him the services and support he needs, is working directly against the mother's aim for him. She won't be happy with this. And the insistence on him having a number of meltdown-free days in order to have a chance at a mainstream class - how does HE feel about this? What does HE want? </p><p></p><p>Why does she want him in mainstream? Is it her perception of maybe better opportunities for him if he can cope in mainstream, or does she think it is going to be easier for her in other ways? If this is her main aim and she is in denial, then his problems are going to continue and probably get worse the further he goes through school, because she's always going to blame school and teachers for spoiling his chances at a normal life. Which is so wrong, because he would probably do a lot better with a specialised academic and behaviour program, as well as a medical evaluation to check his diagnosis (sounds a lot more than ADHD to me).</p><p></p><p>Whatever happens, don't burn yourself out over this. Once you've done the best you can don't beat yourself up because you couldn't do more. Sometimes you have to step back and let disaster happen before people will wake up to the degree of the problem.</p><p></p><p>A classic example - a kid who in class is quiet and doesn't contribute much but at least the teacher sees homework done well and assignments completed on time, so she doesn't worry, he slips below her radar. A year goes past, maybe another, before an English exam shows serious deficits in the child's ability to understand anything not completely obvious in written texts. Then careful questioning discloses that his parents, who were upset that he wasn't coping with his homework load, had been doing his homework and assignments for him to help him along. But this, long term, is not a help because by the time his problem has been observed and identified, valuable support opportunities have been lost and he is now expected to perform at a much higher level than he can manage without a LOT of remedial tuition.</p><p>If the parents had refused to help, or had talked to the teacher instead of blindly 'helping', their child would have been much better off, much sooner.</p><p></p><p>And it's sometimes the same for teachers - if you're doing far more than most teachers would and could, and it's sort of holding things together to the point where people think, "Hey, maybe this kid COULD cope after all," then as soon as the child is away from all that wonderful support it all falls apart.</p><p></p><p>I have to wonder - are things really that good at home? Or is she simply not home for long enough to see the extent of the problems? If he IS that good at home it sounds like the only place where he DOES hold it together.</p><p></p><p>I really don't know what more you can do, beyond what you're already doing. It's sad that you have to press charges to get the help he needs, instead of being able to work with his mother.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 25858, member: 1991"] I'm afraid Janna is right (not about the big head though). Without the parent on board you are fairly limited. Plus - she wants him in mainstream - WHY? Just because it's mainstream doesn't make it the right place for him. Being bright doesn't automatically mean that OF COURSE he will excel there. Is she thinking that he needs mainstream in order to access the most challenging, stimulating curriculum? Does she think her genius child will stagnate in Special Education and his brains not get the stimulation he needs? From our own experience, this is definitely NOT the case. difficult child 3 suffered seven years of mainstream; at least six more than he should have. He learned very little and had increasingly severe behaviour problems and finally health problems. Since having his own academic program plus access to his own way of learning he has rapidly made up all the ground he lost while being forced down a mainstream path. He is now back to studying a mainstream curriculum path but still by correspondence because he simply cannot cope with a mainstream classroom. And he is doing brilliantly, near the top of his class. The correspondence class is not Special Education, it's for all sorts of kids who simply can't attend mainstream schools for various reasons, not necessarily health. Some are behaviour problems but a lot are travelling, or acting in plays or movies. difficult child 3 is mixing it academically with 'normal' kids and working ahead of most of them, purely on his own efforts. A few years ago, he sounded a lot like your student. difficult child 3 is also very bright, but for years couldn't use those brains. It was very frustrating for him. Mainstream is not necessarily the best place for even a very bright child. I'm sad that the mother doesn't want a communication book because of 'loss of privacy' with the after school care people. Frankly, we would have welcomed all input from anybody who had to deal with our son. But if he's in after school care - it means she works longer than school hours. This means that there is another area of contact with him other than school or home. How is he there? If the mother objects to their reading his communication diary, then she dislikes their involvement and doesn't trust them, so it's likely that their experiences are closer to yours than hers. I hope they are better than the after school care in our area - the kids there are poorly and inappropriately disciplined, so that even decent, well-behaved kids are often misbehaving or rowdy, which isn't good for kids like this to be exposed to. Your school, in pressing charges in order to try to get him the services and support he needs, is working directly against the mother's aim for him. She won't be happy with this. And the insistence on him having a number of meltdown-free days in order to have a chance at a mainstream class - how does HE feel about this? What does HE want? Why does she want him in mainstream? Is it her perception of maybe better opportunities for him if he can cope in mainstream, or does she think it is going to be easier for her in other ways? If this is her main aim and she is in denial, then his problems are going to continue and probably get worse the further he goes through school, because she's always going to blame school and teachers for spoiling his chances at a normal life. Which is so wrong, because he would probably do a lot better with a specialised academic and behaviour program, as well as a medical evaluation to check his diagnosis (sounds a lot more than ADHD to me). Whatever happens, don't burn yourself out over this. Once you've done the best you can don't beat yourself up because you couldn't do more. Sometimes you have to step back and let disaster happen before people will wake up to the degree of the problem. A classic example - a kid who in class is quiet and doesn't contribute much but at least the teacher sees homework done well and assignments completed on time, so she doesn't worry, he slips below her radar. A year goes past, maybe another, before an English exam shows serious deficits in the child's ability to understand anything not completely obvious in written texts. Then careful questioning discloses that his parents, who were upset that he wasn't coping with his homework load, had been doing his homework and assignments for him to help him along. But this, long term, is not a help because by the time his problem has been observed and identified, valuable support opportunities have been lost and he is now expected to perform at a much higher level than he can manage without a LOT of remedial tuition. If the parents had refused to help, or had talked to the teacher instead of blindly 'helping', their child would have been much better off, much sooner. And it's sometimes the same for teachers - if you're doing far more than most teachers would and could, and it's sort of holding things together to the point where people think, "Hey, maybe this kid COULD cope after all," then as soon as the child is away from all that wonderful support it all falls apart. I have to wonder - are things really that good at home? Or is she simply not home for long enough to see the extent of the problems? If he IS that good at home it sounds like the only place where he DOES hold it together. I really don't know what more you can do, beyond what you're already doing. It's sad that you have to press charges to get the help he needs, instead of being able to work with his mother. Marg [/QUOTE]
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