The Communication Book we have going would give you more information than you're currently getting. It would of course depend on the teacher and how the book is used - a few times we had to insist that the book be used, because to NOT use it was causing many more problems than you would think possible. At the moment it sounds like any information (either way) is perfunctory and not fully effective.
We kept te book informal, allowing teachers to vent without fear of reprisal. Of course we are the ones who can understand best just how infuriating our kids can be - id a teacher wrote in the book, "Your son was so infuriating today, I could have cheerfully throttled him," we understood. We felt it was better to know the teacher felt this bad, than to not know.
My response to tat sort of post would have been, "Hang in there, thanks for telling me. I do understand - we live with him! But something else you wrote had me wondering - you said he was worse immediately after lunch. I wonder what happened out on the playground? As you know, he is so very easily put out of sorts if something has changed or if there has been a problem, and he isn't very capable of tellnig anybody yet. Could we perhaps re-visit the possibility of applying for a short term of extra funding in order to hire some playground supervision? It might make your life a bit easier also, if he isn't getting stirred up by some other little darlings we know infest the playground!"
Basically, I did my utmost to keep all my posts and comments supportive, informative and considered, so that together we could use this as a resource to help one another. That was the key - mutual support of teacher and home and in doing so, the teacher didn't need to meet up with me for so many regular de-briefs. As I explained to the teacher - after a day of mental exhaustion and beating her head against the wall of my child's obstinacy, the thing she needed most was to have the freedom to head out the door and go home to a stiff drink (if she chose) and not have to be delayed by talking to me every afternoon. The book was the substitute.
It wasn't always easy for me - I would say that at least half difficult child 3's teachers were not fit for the job of teaching 'normal' kids let alone someone like difficult child 3. They were lazy, incompetent, unfair and badly out of date. But all I could do was educate thme as best as I could (and as far as they were prepared to learn) and be available. I knew the entire school needed a major overhaul, beginning with the principal. He was a nice guy but had been cowed by his staff into not pushing them to do anything they didn't want to do. They tried to block some really necessry actions - a parent had a wheelchair-bound child who they were wanting to go to this school, and were legally entitled to enrol her. But to do so, ramps needed to be put in place. The job was being paid for out of state coffers, not the school themselves, so there should have been no objection - putting in ramps made life a lot easier for school staff delivering heavy supplies by trolley, instead of lugging them up the stairs. I found it easier myself to ride my electric scooter up the ramp instead of dragging myself up on crutches up the stairs. But the staff did their best to block it, because of the inconvenience of the public works.
But the job was done (I was working quietly in the background stiffening the spines of this pair of parents - the scholl didn't know) and now the school is proud of having at least some wheelchair capability. True, now this kid has left (graduated out), the disabled toilet is used for storage (highly illegal). But without a student planning to enrol, the school at some point would have had to come into line in terms of disability access anyway, and could well have been forced to cover the cost thremselves. That's a lot of cake stalls!
When dealing with a difficult child, I try to think from the point of view of that difficult child. But in their own way schools and often school staff are also difficult child and I try to think from their point of view as well. It does help me win an argument with them, if I can sell them on the advantages to them of doing it my way.
Something I have learned - when you have a child who, for various reasons, spends more time at home or working under parental supervision than normal, you need to modify the educational rules somewhat. I began to modify what difficult child 3 played with at home especially if he were home sick (which happened increasingly). In doing so I discovered that, perhaps through no fault of the school, difficult child 3 was learning ZERO in school. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. So we began to teach him. at home and playing educational computer games, he leanred fast. We would watch baby educational stuff, we had to go back to basics. We had games which had a lot of play content (such as Zoombinis) as well as the various Carmen Sandiego games. We had an earlier "Where in the World" version (black and white, very limited) which in its own way was more advanced than te current version. There were the talking books which were intactive with puzzles. And we bought work books, our own work sheets and we used these as game books on famiy outings, to keep him quiet and feeling settled. They were familiar and helped tide him over any anxiety over being in unfamilair territory. I remember one holiday we were on in Queensland, we were in a wildlife park and watching a public demonstration of various animals. There were bleachers filled with people watching, and difficult child 3 was feeling overwhelmed. So we turned him round so his legs were hanging down through the bleachers, his workbook resting on the seat above him as a table. He had his back to the arena, we were sitting further back so he couldn't see any people and only the wall. In that fashion he worked well and calmed down from the near-panic he had been working himself into. The experience helped de-sensitise him to the zoo environment so a week later when we visited Australia Zoo, he was better equipped to participate in it and enjoy it (yes, we met Harriet, at that time the oldest known animal in the world, this was a few years before she died). Our family are zoo junkies, he's had to grow up and get used to it!
We kept the diary on the computer and whenever I made an entry into the communication book, I wouldactually draft it on the computer, print out that page and cut it out to stick it into the book (stickytape was fastest). My handwriting is not good plus it removed any ambiguity. It was faster for me and also meant that if the book went mising, I always had a record of what I had written. Often when I could, I would transcribe the teacher's comments onto the computer. A few times officialdom got involved - having the Book had meant that when a teacher told me of a meeting (by writing it in the book) and invited me to be present, later educational authorities who tried to insist I was there without invitation or permission didn't have a leg to stand on. However, rather than let them have the original book to see for themselves (to risk thme taking it away and losing it) I scanned the relevant pages and sent them in to the education official.
I was very glad I was able to do that. I was also very grateful to the then school princip0al (different school from the one I was talking about earlier) who backed up what I had said. He could so easily have saved his own skin by saying, "She's exaggerating," or "I don't recall having that conversation with her." I know it got him into trouble, for him to say, "I remember her saying that she was asked to give permission for this procedure, and gave that permission conditional on her attendance."
I had not at that time written that into the Communication Book myself (an oversight on my part) and it was looking like it was coming back to bite me, hard.
I have been so grateful we used this method.
But the best thing about it - looking back over the old books. You see how far the child has come. And also in our case - all the times teachers were not coping, are on record. I will never take legal action against them but I reserve the right to publish my story. I'll change names, because the problems here are NOT these individual teachers, but the system. it is the experience I wish to document, the problems in general faced by all parents in similar circumstances. The system needs to learn in broad, and to change. I have seen how it can work well, how it should work, in difficult child 3's current placement. They are simply wonderful. So I know it's not me, a difficult parent with an impossible child.
However, it has taken a lot of input from both school and parent, communicating effectively and working as a tight team, to get here.
It can be done. You do the best you can and the pay-off can be amazing. But it takes committment on all sides, and ANY weak link damages the chain.
Marg