Tears Flowing..... Unfamiliar Rehab Turf

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

    A friend commented last night how our difficult child "sparkles". He does. No, I mean he REALLY does. He is so beautiful and can be so loving and forgiving (intermittently). And I HATE having to qualify his loving and and forgiving side with an "intermittently" comment. But it's true. It's factual. And it hurts my heart.

    I pulled out some old photos and am just flowing with tears. Dammit! I know he's in there. Sometimes I'm just so sad about what a rollercoaster it's been raising him and loving him. I have cried many tears and I'm crying them again now.

    I know you all live this, too. I know you all know what I'm saying. I am SO tired of crying over difficult child. It's like a never-ending abyss over the years. But, honestly, I haven't cried over him in a long time.

    But now he's in rehab, so I find myself in unfamiliar turf here, as he seems to be taking it seriously and trying. I have NEVER seen that from him re: drugs before. And, honestly, I don't quite know what to do with it.

    Just processing my own emotions right now and feeling a little all over the place with it.

    Crying a LOT right now. I believe in love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances (and 3rd, 4th, 5th, gazillionth chances). I also believe in reality. And in the middle of all of that lies an ocean of tears.

    Just expressing as it's overflowing
  2. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    Hugs for you right now.
  3. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Gosh I can so empathize - I have been where you are right now so many times. I too, have been searching for my beautiful little girl for so long, but she is now 40 and there is no change. Sometimes it looks like it, but I have educated myself to what her tactics are and I still ache over the "loss" of my child. I have to face the facts, that the person I loved and the one that evolved are not the same. All I can say is cry, cry and cry. You are allowed to feel bad about the situation. I know when my difficult child was 24 I still had hope that she would outgrow her personality problems - so I can understand the hope part. I do believe though, you have to acknowledge was is real change and what is too much "wishing it will change" In my situation I call it "wearing a mask" My difficult child can wear the most sincere, beautiful, loving mask, but disagree over something and that mask disappears and a really ugly one replaces it, and so it goes; on and on..................we can only get smart enough to identify if it is a mask and which one we are dealing with. And even though I know my difficult child wears them, and if I am dealing with one I like, it isn't long and the ugly one comes back out again to break my heart in a million little pieces again. The only part for me, is that I know longer show the difficult child the results of that because if they become aware that it hurts you well then they will just flip it because they know and then it is oh so fun for them. I don't even think that they are self-aware enough to know that the things they do hurt them in terms of how their lives are working out - to be able to make sincere change. There are pages and pages of on the internet for uncovering clues to both mental illness and personality disorders - if they won't fix them figure out what category best describes the behavior and then adjust yourself to the advice for dealing with it. I always say when we need to get through something, we do it by going through it, not going around it.
    Give yourself all the space you need to deal with your emotions and then pick yourself back up and try to find out the what you are dealing with so you can be better prepared to deal with it when it come back around. It doesn't take away the pain the next time it happens but it does take the sting out because you will have educated yourself that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hopeandjoy66 & 2much2recover -- Thanks so much for your very kind words and sage advice. Helplful! :)

    I was absolutely swimming in all of my emotions around difficult child this morning, but another family matter has arisen since then (not about me, husband or difficult child -- we're all fine -- just normal ailing/aging parents stuff as they're in their 80's) and I have to make some decisions. I greatly appreciate my siblings as we work together well to assist our parents.

    Anyway, thanks again and will catch you all on the flip side.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HLM, I'm here too.

    How can we NOT cry about this? These are our children. That sorrow erupts at various times for me too. That hole in our hearts brings on the tears. And, fortunately, the tears eventually stop.

    I can so empathize with you, I imagine all of us here can.........we're dealing with a "devastation like no other" as Cedar had said, a heartbreaker of epic proportions...........so we are allowed to cry, to have our feelings, to wish it were somehow different...........and then we pick ourselves up and go out and resume our lives........we learn to do that, to allow the feelings and then go on.............

    It helps to know others understand and we do.

    We're here for you HLM. You're not alone.