Tears in my eyes, pain in my heart but yet i put a smile on my face

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Chasing Happiness, May 11, 2012.

  1. Chasing Happiness

    Chasing Happiness New Member

    Well i am new to this forum and a friend directed me here after doing some online searches in hope she could find a place that i could vent and feel less alone.

    I have a rocky relationship with 2 out of 3 of my adult children. My oldest is 22, married with kids of her own and we get along fantastic. we are like best friends. my second daughter is 20 and is 5 months pg with her first baby and she has a boyfriend i really cannot stand but i try to tolerate. My son is going to be 19 in a few months and is now staying with his father.

    Me and my daughter have always butted heads since she was a little girl. she could never accept no for an answer with anything. As a teen she gave me a run for my money and i dealt with alot of stress with her. She got pg at 15 yrs old 2 times in a 4 month time frame and had early miscarriages both times. i stood by her. when she was 16 she went to go live with her dad. Before i got further with things i want to say i was married to my kids father for 8 years. he was abusive to me, an alcoholic and a neglectful father to my kids. I am now 41 yrs old and remarried for almost 13 yrs now to a wonderful man who helped raise and care for my kids. Ok, so my daughter went to live with her father because she wanted to get to know him and have a relationship with him. She lasted about 2 months there and didnt like living in the country so she came back home to live with us. She was getting high, drinking, skipping school, and finally got herself in trouble when she skipped school oneday and her and two others broke into 3 homes in town and stole things, and vandalized the places. they were caught and were arrested and we had to go before juvenile court. Because of her drug history they placed her in a rehab for 90 days instead of a boot camp. The rehab was 60 miles round trip for us but every single sunday we were there for our visitation supporting her in hopes she would shape up. We brought things for her, put money on her tab so she could have her hair done or buy things from the store there. We were there in the snow and below cold temps. We were there even when i was sick as a dog because i had to make sure she had her xmas gifts to open on xmas. Her father never went once to see her. I sent her letters every single week inlcluding cards for things. My husband, me and my oldest daughter even went to weekend retreat where we stayed for the weekend in a cabin in the dead of winter so we could learn how to deal with her and help her once she was out of rehab. So she finally got out and i took her to therapy, she was on probation etc... She wanted to go to vo tech for cosmotology and i was thrilled so i talked with her guidance counselor to get her into that school because at that time she was going to a school for kids with behavioral problems. She did get in and i went and bought her the clothes she was required to wear, paid for a cosm kit for her etc... she went to school 3 days out of 30 and kept skipping. once probation was over she stopped going to school altogether. she held a part time job for awhile and then quit. She had a boyfriend i didnt like and hes still with her now and i still dont like him. He is 25 yrs old, doesnt work, and is not who i wanted my daughter to be with but i learned to respect its her life and therefore i bite my tongue when it comes to her relationship because its her life and she is now 20 yrs old. She had moved out awhile and then asked to stay with us for a few weeks and i said ok and the few weeks turned into 4 1/2 months of her loafing around, and her boyfriend always being at our home doing nothing either. I told her that in the spring my husband and i were going to be moving and she needed to find a place because i couldnt take the stress of it no more so i wasnt letting her move with us because we were always fighting and her boyfriend was always there too so he was there eating our food and lying around and i wasnt having that in our new place. She ended up moving in with a friend and her boyfriend is there too. she is pg with her first child. For the past months we fought often, and now are finally on talking terms so trying to hope for the best and see how it goes.

    As for my son, its a whole different problem. He is going to be 19 in 4 months. I have such agonizing pain and stress from him that i suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, depression and have decided to go see a professional to help me because i cannot keep going on like this. Over the past 2 yrs my son has verbally abused me, manipulated me, used me, and treated me and my husband horribly. He refused to go to school once he turned 17. Refused to get a job or listen to us. He wouldnt do one thing to help around the house and played xbox live all day and watched movies on netflix. He could also never accept the word no for anything and if i said no then he harrassed and verbally abused me till i couldnt take no more and gave in. My son has anger management problems and though he has never physically hit me, his words have cut me deeply. He punched holes through our walls, doors, broke things, threw things, screamed in my face, cursed at me and threatened me. Said horrible things to me on a regular basis like im a terrible human being, a piece of **** mom, he wishes i would die and wouldnt shed a tear if i did because he hates my guts. Things that made me cry and be so depressed over and even questioning myself as to what have i done wrong. It got so bad i used to hide from him in my bedroom during the day until my husband got home from work just so i could avoid my son. I began drinking due to the stress and depression and have struggling to cope ever since. I never had this problem before the cruelty and sadness my son has caused me. My heart breaks, i cry rivers of tears and yet i feel such emptiness inside. Strangers are nicer to me then my own son.

    My son is selfish and all about himself. He wants what he wants when he wants it and if my answer is no then he makes sure i suffer. I told him way before we moved that he needed to get a job and find a place because he couldnt come with us. There was no way i could continue living like that. He still refused a job. He had one job and lasted 2 days. He sold his car so he could buy a phone and a video game when i begged him not to sell the car, and he continually laughed at me when i tried to help him. I begged him to go into counseling but her refused. So before we moved he ended up moving to his dads. He came for a weekend to spend with us before we moved and it went well. Then a few days later he called me to ask if he could move with us and when i said he couldnt he got verbally aggressive to me on the phone. We didnt talk for about a month but in the meantime he did text my cell phone with very hateful things he felt he wanted to say to me.

    So we bought a place. We love it and i was beginning to finally feel some peace in my life. So after me and my son hadnt seen each other in 2 months, he asked to come visit, so my husband went and picked him up. Its over an hr drive each way. We had a nice visit and then when it was time for him to go back to his dads, he asked if he could move in. I told him he couldnt. The whole ride to his dads was him being mad at me once again. Telling me he has changed. Me not trusting that he did and hoping he wasnt trying to use me once again for his own benefit and wanting to believe my son really wanted a relationship with me. So we left him off and came home to a nasty message on our phones voicemail. I didnt respond to it.

    Then i got a call the next week with him telling me hes not getting along with his dad and needs to stay here. I tell him he cant and i am not changing my mind. When i say this son calls me names and belittles me, i mean he does it very well. He calls me names a man should never ever call any woman let alone his own mother. He screams at me, curses at me and cuts me down to the core.

    Then i get a letter in the mail to tell me again what a bad mom i am, that his step mom is now his new mom and im a selfish *****, im this and im that. So i wrote back to him telling him exactly how i feel. It was a 4 page letter i sent and i wasnt mean but i was brutally honest and it felt freeing to write it out. So then he calls me again to say again he wants to stay here and i again say no. i put him on speaker phone so my husband could hear what was being said and my son was screaming so bad at me that we couldnt even understand him because that is how loud and irrate he was. He ended up telling me F You ***** and hung up. I had an anxiety attack after that call and was up half the night so upset and sick to my stomach over it.

    I have decided at this point if he calls for awhile im going to just let it go to voicemail. He can no longer visit here until things change and they need to be changed for awhile by beginning with a phone relationship before i allow him into my home again because i cannot keep putting myself through this pain. I know he was again trying to use me so he could have xbox live, lay on his ass and do nothing and see his friends. This past time really hurt me most because i really was believing he loved me and wanted a mother/son relationship but he didnt. He just wanted to use me for his own needs and wants.

    Its so hard to not dwell on or hurt over. The pain is with me every day. How do you just move on and be happy without your adult child when you carried that child in your womb, gave birth, raised and loved? Im finding it so difficult to let go but me hanging on is killing me inside.

    Well thanks for listening.
     
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome here,
    I read your story, and my heart breaks for you. You are most definitely not alone, and so many parents here have encountered the same thing. It is confusing, devastating and beyond hurtful, that is for sure.
    The positive thing is you have a decent, supportive loving husband who is on the same page when it comes to boundaries in your life and in your home. You are both doing an excellent job of keeping abuse out of your sanctuary, your home. If anything, the verbal abuse you suffer at the hands of your children should reinforce why they are not permitted to live with you.
    My only suggestion is to not respond to his abuse, do not send letters or call or try to explain your point of view. Take a step back, go to counseling, love your husband and keep anyone who tries to abuse you out of your home for good! Stay strong, and remember that you have done all you could as a mother - your children are adults and have to live with the consequences of their action or inaction.
    Take care.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2012
  3. Chasing Happiness

    Chasing Happiness New Member

    Thanks so much for your response. it is good to not feel so alone with this because i always have. I'm trying so hard to understand it and letting go is even harder but im working on it day by day.
     
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hello C.H., Welcome to the CD board. There are many parents here who can relate to what you are going through. And all of us know what it feels like to have a challenging parenting journey. Though you and I are at different places in our children's development, and they have different issues.... I can relate to having a child who uses toddler responses when they don't get their way. Yes, the vocabulary is older than a toddler's vocabulary but how they respond, with rants and rages and tantrum types of behavior to manipulate things and try to get their way is very stuck in a toddler phase of life. My son was bouncing all over my car last night actually crawled up into the back window (I pulled into an empty parking lot by that time of course, sigh) and he was screaming and hitting and fussing all because he was frustrated. When in that state there is no rational reasoning. He can tell me to say X and he will calm down....so I will say X just to diffuse the situation and he gets madder saying you are lying, or dont say that, etc. Yeah, very toddler-like in a big loud body.

    I really am sorry for how your mommy-heart is hurting. I hope you come here to share frequently. Sending you hugs, Dee
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    A quick welcome and hug. So glad you found us. DDD
     
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm glad your son is an hour away without a car. You've done a very brave thing not letting them move with you.

    If you post this in the parent emeritus forum as well as here you might get responses from people whose kids are grown up.

    Welcome to the cd board!
     
  7. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Welcome & way to stand your ground warrior mom :warrior:

    though from me he would have gotten a text along lines of "your recent letter confirms I made right decision" instead of a 4 page letter, then would have screened my calls from that point on. I only reward people who treat me humane with my attention.
     
  8. C h - Welcome to the board. There are so many wonderful people here who are very supportive and come with experience and great advice and information.

    You have found a haven to vent and get support.

    I feel the pain you are going through with your son. My son is the same way - although he is only 16 and we haven't been dealing with it nearly as long as you have. That said I think I could have written your post they sound so much alike.

    I'm so sorry you are going through such pain and anguish - I truly feel your broken heart in your post. It's ok to cry, it's ok to let it out - it's healthy. What is also healthy is to choose to enjoy some things every day - and soon you will find yourself enjoying whole days. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I spent most of the day crying and laying on the couch very down and depressed. But today was a new day in which I managed to pick myself up, brush myself off and enjoy some time with my daughter and some friends - it felt good to laugh and smile. You deserve this - there is no guilt in it. You parented your children to the best of your ability - they are grown now and choosing to live theirs lives as they see fit - now you can choose to live yours too.

    Big hugs
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome, and big hugs. It sounds to me as though your son's reactions only enforce that you have made the right decision to not let him move in with you.

    Can you talk to his dad without making things worse? It's likely that your son is playing both ends against the middle here and that neither of you know the whole story. Even if you and your ex don't get along, maybe you can come to a meeting of minds for this particular situation.

    I know this hurts right down to your very soul. I don't know what the right answer is. I sense that there's some unfinished business with your son, and I know that your son is manipulative and that he's acting out because you are not letting him run the show. Good for you! No one else in life is going to let him run the show, either. He needs to learn this, and you are doing the right thing.
     
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well Hi there - and Welcome to the Board,

    (hands butterfly net) Since you are chasing happiness I want you to just run that mother down and catch it okay?

    I think the best thing my shrink ever asked me was - IF your kids weren't your kids - if they were people off the street - WOULD you allow them to talk to you like your son does - ????? And if not? Why do you allow your son to? I couldn't answer that with a logical answer - Nothing I said - made sense...WEll bcause he's my son, because he's got this disorder...because....nah...if someone on the street talked to me like that ? I'd hand them their teeth back as a necklace. And if a stranger isn't goign to get away with it? WHY woudl I allow someone I pay for EVERYTYHING for to do it?
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((((hugs))))))

    I'm glad you're going to see someone for yourself. That sort of abuse is really hard to take, most especially from your own child.

    As far as your son goes? Unless he can manage to talk to you in a calm respectful manner, he has no business talking to you. Just because he is your son does NOT mean you have to subject yourself to his abuse. Put that boundary into place and keep it there. If a call starts out calmly and deteriorates because he can't tolerate being told no, simply hang up. Don't let it go to voice mail where you'll have to hear it later. He can keep those words to himself.

    You can't make him change, but you can change how you react to him and his abusive behavior. You can also learn to change the effect it has on you. From what it sounds like in your posts, the word No brings on adult sized temper tantrums. So treat it the same way you'd treat a 2 yr old's temper tantrum, ignore it, refuse to take it personally. He says what he says to hurt you, because he knows it hurts you. Learn to not give him that power. Your therapist can help you.

    Welcome to the board. I'm so very glad you found us. And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs)))))

    I am sorry things are so rough with your younger 2 children. You are NOT to blame for whatever they do or whatever situation they find themselves in. they are ADULTS and they make choices every minute of very dayl you totally did the right thing to make your daughter not move with you and make your son leave. NO ONE deserves that type of treatment, ESPECIALLY good parents. And you ARE a good parent. Bad parents don't worry about if they are bad parents - they are 10000000% positive that they are the best parents in the world or else the don't give a fig or have fun hurting their kids.

    You reached your breaking point with all the abuse. I am so thankful you have a husband that you love and who loves you. Hopefully he will support your efforts to get better. I highly recommend going to alanon meetings. WHY? Well, your ex was an alcoholic, and you started drinking to cope with abuse and stress. choice that many of us have made but is not the greatest way to cope. I am NOT saying you are or are not an alcoholic. NOT in any way, but alcoholism is a FAMILY disease. The alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol/substances and the rest of the family becomes addicted to helping the alcoholic. Just because the alcoholic leaves the home or stops drinkng does NOT mean that the behaviors stop or change. I have a strong feelng that regular alanon meetings could be a huge source of support.

    I also suggest you see either a therapist or someone at the local domestic violence center because that IS waht your son was putting you through and what you experienced with your ex. It takes time and hard work in therapy to cope with that and to learn new ways to live. DV centers will offer help to you for free.

    Will post more later, but I am glad you are here with us!
     
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome. I agree with those that say you did the right thing by not letting your son move with you. If he is abusive on the phone hang up if he continues calling change your number. I understand your hurt but if you allow this kind of abuse to continue, well...it will never end. -RM
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Welcome. I know you are hurting. This is a very difficult situation. But, you are wise to stand your ground. You don't have much, if ANY, choice in the matter. Your two adult children are just that...young adults. I'm sure you didn't raise them to use abusive language and behaviors with adults...never mind with their mother. It crossed my mind that perhaps their bio father is mentally ill and they also have some undiagnosed concern. Have they have been evaluated? This does NOT create or provide them with an excuse for these behaviors. If they have a sincere interest in getting to the bottom of their difficulties, you might help them receive therapy...but this certainly does not sound like the case.

    You might want to consider a visist with a group like Al Anon or Families Anonymous to support YOU. There are good books out there for adult parents of very difficult "children." One I like is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. If the emotional pain gets too much for you, consider seeing a therapist for yourself. This is a lot to deal with. Avoid (of course) being unkind, but at the same time, set boundaries and limits with your adult children who are so difficult and disrespectful. It is a hard pill to swollow, but at least for now, this is the path they have chosen to follow. It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do.

    Be sure to enjoy life with your husband and healthy adult child. Embrace good, healthy friends and move forward as best as you are able. Sending good thoughts.
     
  15. Chasing Happiness

    Chasing Happiness New Member

    Thanks so much for all the replies and i def dont feel alone here. Tommorow is mothers day which makes me feel even sadder that my situation is like it is but im going to go to dinner with my husband, and parents and then for dessert to my adult daughters home. Currently, me and my 20 yr old daughter which ive had a hard road with are now finally talking so taking it as it comes with her.

    All your replies made alot of sense to me. It took me a long time to believe my son was actually abusing me because he didnt hit me but he did such mean things to me all the time such as he would take a shower and you know how the mirror will fog up, well he would write F You on it, he would pee all over my toilet and some on floor. When i would go to use the toilet i would literally sit in pee. i told him about it many times and i know it was being done on purpose though he will deny that. His bedroom wall alone had 33 holes in it because hubby had to patch them when we went to move. i was also finding broken steak knives in the room and we found slash marks in the wall of his bedroom also. The last yr he went without a bedroom door because he had destroyed 3 doors by smashing holes in them. He would harrass me daily about rides, money etc... refusing to go to school, work, or do anything but blame me for life.

    I begged for him to get help and he refused so i couldnt drag him there. his bio dad and i do not speak. i am told things from my daughter who speaks to him and she said my ex feels our son should get therapy. i do hope he does get it because he needs it. when he lived with me he had a girlfriend and he used her. she paid of his cell phone, brought him food and so on and he used her. Then he had another girlfriend and same thing. Both of those girls did well in school, held jobs and one was going on to college this fall coming. He took total advantage of their feelings and hurt both of them. He uses people for his own benefit.

    He also has been very disrespectful to my husband. There had actually been 2 physical altercations in the past yr as well. My son is out of control and def says things to hurt me and it sure does. I am going to see a therapist and will be setting up an appointment to do so because i do need some help with how to cope with all of this. For a long time i went through alot of guilt with what did i do wrong and even now im trying hard to accept i didnt do anything and this is my adult sons issues that he needs to get help for and i cannot fix him but i need to work on fixing myself now. when he moved out i actually felt relief. i no longer would be a prisoner hiding from him in my own home. the words he has said have left many emotional scars since ive been hearing them all the time for a good year or so and once my son began acting this way it stirred up bad feelings i had from when i lived with his bio dad in an abusive marriage. i am a soft person and my hubby tells me everyone steps all over me because im too soft hearted. i do like that quality about myself and dont want to become a bitter, mean person due to my sons hurt he has caused me.

    Hope you all have a happy mothers day.
     
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