Teenagers friend causing major issues.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KatyC, Oct 22, 2014.

  1. KatyC

    KatyC New Member

    My daughter who is just 17 is at camp and I had to pick up her car from her friends house yesterday. She was planning to stay at this friends house the night she gets back but then has to get up at 5.30am to drive along country roads to work the next morning. I said to her friend to make sure she goes to bed early so she doesnt fall asleep at the wheel and her friend went off at me. Told me what a bad parent I was, that my daughter only went to her house to escape me. Says I was putting my own issues on her an her daughter and that I was trying to discipline her since my daughter is away. This girl went crazy. Trouble is my daughter who has had depression and anxiety issues for years now thinks this girl is wonderful and takes her word as Gospel. She smokes weed and I busted my daughter with it the morning she left. The friend told me in that conversation we had that it would help her depression. So that is the influence she has on her The girl has no parental supervision, has been living with her boyfriend since she was 15, dropped out of school and no job and thinks she knows everything. The girls mother is a mess and she has little contact with her. How do I deal with this situation when my daughter comes home? She cant be reasoned with and as I said takes her friends word for everything, I just don't want her friend to turn my daughter against me even more. I am desperate
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter is at an age where our kids, especially if they are troublesome, tend to hate us. This doesn't last forever and should not, in my opinion, effect how we set boundaries with them. When does your daughter turn eighteen?

    Can you turn in the mother for having pot in her house?

    At your daughter's age, closely hitting that legal age, there is probably not much you can do about her friends or her. Did you get her help or rehab? You only have until she is eighteen to do anything she doesn't like.

    The friend is right though. It is not her responsibility to wake your daughter up for work. Your daughter needs to do that. She also needs to be the one to put herself to bed. This is on her, not her friend. It's about your daughter and who she chooses to hang around with. You can not control the friend and probably have little control over your daughter's choices. You do have control over YOURSELF and you can change how you react to your daughter. Like most of us here, our early reactions did not work and we made changes. Detachment is a big issue with most of us. We try not to get caught up in our grown or almost grown children's drama. You are straddling that fine line between her being a minor and her being a legal adult...

    Since your daughter dropped out of school, if she were my kid, she'd need to learn to be responsible or expect to leave the house at age eighteen. I feel it is on your daughter's shoulders to get to work on time. There are alarm clocks...

    Is there a father around? Family? Has your daughter dabbled in drugs for a long time or don't you know (when my daughter used drugs, we were very fuzzy on what she was doing, really. She didn't tell us until after she quit and she was good at hiding what she did. Unfortunately, due to her refusing to quit using drugs, and the cops dropping by, we had to make her leave at nineteen. She was destroying our peaceful home and upsetting my two younger children). On the plus side, she has been clean now for over ten years.

    In my opinion again, depression and anxiety issues are no reason to do illegal stuff or be abusive to you. If you check my signature, you will see I have mood disorder/anxiety that includes generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I had this very early in my life and have fought it all these years with a lot of success. Using drugs will only make these conditions worse, not better. Also, neither depression nor anxiety cause meanness and disrespect for societal rules. They are two separate issues.

    You have to decide what you can and will tolerate in your home and stick to it, with an eye on her eighteenth birthday (this is just my opinion, of course). I would make drug rehab and counseling mandatory for staying under my roof, and also keeping the job and absolutely no illegal stuff under your roof. Also going for a GED would also be mandatory...she will get nowhere without one.

    I believe that if you take a strong stand your child has a better chance of turning things around later. By "later" it could be later rather than earlier, but I still believe it gives them something to think about. They know they can't count on us for housing and free money if they refuse to grow up and I do believe that in many cases this matters.

    I also believe that if we are too lenient and take no stand at all, or just yell and don't back it up, our kids are more likely not to decide to change their lifestyle. Again, of course, this is just my belief and it does not work for all kids. Some, despite our best efforts, do not feel the need to change. But I did want to tell you that it worked for me. If you asked my daughter if it helped her decision, she will say it did...that she got tired of drug life and fighting with the family. She is really doing great now and we are very close. She did graduate high school.

    Others will check in with their opinions. Because your daughter is so close to eighteen years old, you may want to post on Parent Emeritus (parents of adult children 18 and over) or Substance Abuse to get a variety of feedback.

    Welcome to the community, but so very sorry you had to come here. Try taking care of your own needs. This is so important...eat well, exercise, try detaching from your daughter's drama. You can't control her. You can only offer her help and set boundaries and change your own reaction to her behavior. I try to stay very calm and not explode no matter how angry I am. Yelling at them just gives them ammo to yell verbal abuse at us. I do not engage my grown kids if they are disrespectful (only one still is and he lives two states away. If he doesn't speak respectfully, I will disconnect the phone. He knows this so he is trying harder and doing better).

    Wishing you luck in your journey. Urging you to keep posting. It does help.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2014
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    First let me say hello and then welcome.

    As for the teenage friend. You need to learn to walk away. Not just with a teen but with anyone talking to you in that manner. MWM and I are similar on this in that we don't listen to that crap. You either speak with me decently or I leave/hang up. It is your choice to either stand there and take it or realize the idiot yelling at you is an idiot and cut if off. It makes my difficult child furious when I walk away or when i refuse to dig in and fight with her. But it keeps us from saying things we shouldnt.

    I also agree that it is difficult child's responsibility to get up at a reasonable time.

    As for difficult child hanging out with the friend I would put a stop to that. I would tell her that after catching her with pot and getting yelled at by her friend who was promoting pot that she was on restriction. You can in some places work with the law and have a contract made between child and court restricting their actions. The parent basically tells the courts what rules they want followed and if the kid bends them the parent reports it. If the judge determines this "friend" is a problem part of the contract can be no contact with said friend. The difficult child can get assigned small tasks/punishments or if things get really really bad removed from the home. Keep in mind that the courts strongly discourage putting kids in foster care so unless they can show that you are beating her or something horrid they don't normally pull the kid. Talk to the local Child Protective Services and see what they offer along that line.
     
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome.
    I agree ... I would not only put your daughter on restriction, I would keep her so busy that she won't have time to see her friend. That way, it won't be a challenge for her to rebel. She drives, right? Tell her you need groceries, you need the car washed, you need something returned to the dept store, you need something from a neighbor's house. If she complains, tell her that she's got the car--what's the problem?
    Doesn't she have a curfew?
    I agree, that it's not her friend's responsibility to wake up your daughter. Even so, the friend was out of line for treating you like that. She could have stated it in a more mature manner.
    Sit down and talk to her about her anxiety and depression and make a dr appointment. so she can get proper medications. Antianxiety medications are far superior than pot. They are scientifically designed to have the exact same ingredients in every dose. Plus, they don't stink up your clothes, and they are legally prescribed.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. We don't allow overnights on work nights or school nights.
     
  6. amelia d

    amelia d Hope outweighs experience

    What kind of "camp " is your daughter attending in October? Just wondered. I would keep a couple of things in mind..first of all, 17 y/o girls (and boys) lie. They lie, lie, oh..and lie..especially the closer you get to the truth. I would stop dealing with her friend--she is not going to help anything and you are correct that she is creating a huge division between you and your daughter. Take the car away and control when, how often and where she can drive to. No more sleep overs-NONE. You are fooling yourself if you believe she will be honest about where she's going and what she's doing. Allow her to have friends to your house (provided you are there) but I would exclude this friend from being welcomed into your home. Sorry you're going through this; but deep down you know what you have to do--snip those wings. You already know the friend has issues with drugs, parents, school and decision making. If your daughter has always had a tough time time fitting in, she finds this girl accepting and welcoming. She probably uses her for money and rides. I agree about having her evaluated and started on medications if the doctor believes that's the way to go. Saying no is exhausting and nobody wants to hear it..but so what. If you do nothing, she is just going to fall deeper into this lifestyle. Stay strong..prepare for the yelling and crying, and try to get her involved in activities that expose her to new people (and hopefully new friends.)
    Good luck..you are not alone.
     
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