Tell me a joke.... or anything funny

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by upallnight, Jun 24, 2007.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I have nodule on my lung. Having had a breast cancer in the past, I'm scared it's back. The nodule was too small to be seen on an x-ray, but showed up on the catscan. ER Dr. seems to think it's not going to be anything- if we scanned everyone, half the people would have something like that somewhere that would be fine. According to him. Now I have to have this checked out and do whatever.... but I'm scared half to death. I took a xanax-because I'm freaking. I don't have anyone to share this with. husband says, "you're fine". But the fear is unbearable. Monday I'll start making my appointments.-Alyssa
  2. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    :princess: I don't know any jokes....but I can send some {{{{{sunny hugs}}}} and a smile :smile: to try and brighten your day.

    Sending some gentle hugs your way.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Having had breast cancer, I'd say your concern isn't unfounded. Of course you're going to be worried. I know I'd be. But try not to let the panic get you. The ER doctor is right, this could just as easily be nothing at all serious. No sense in tying yourself up in knots til you know something for sure.

    Now for a funny:

    I'm on the phone and Travis is watching Darrin for me outside. Darrin comes running inside all excited. (imagine a very animated 3 yr old)
    "Nana! Nana! I squished a HUGE spider!"

    "You did?"

    "Yeah! I squished it with my shoe."

    Darrin thinks for a moment then adds, "and I think he had rain inside him cuz he was all wet after I squished him."


    I'll be praying this turns out to be nothing more than a bad scare. Please keep us updated.

  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Daisylover. Funny!...Kids are the funniest! You had it too? Thank you for cheering me up. Does every health issue scare you? I always say it's the last time I'll be scared, but no, it never is. Sunny...Thank you.-Alyssa
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Prayers being said. I hope these give you a smile:

    What's black and white and red all over?

    A zebra with a sunburn!

    What did the Christmas tree say to the light bulb when it was sad?

    Lighten up!


    When does it rain money?

    When there is a change in the weather

    Why did the doctor leave his office?

    Because he ran out of patience!

  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Saying a prayer all turns out o.k. :angel: I don't know any great jokes but one husband used to tell his first graders:

    What did the hot dog say when he won the race?

    I'm the wiener!

    Corny-I know.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    keeping you in my prayers.

    when difficult child was 6 he recited this in front of adult aquantances. Had no idea what he was going to say, or where he got it from.


    You dig a big hole
    Fill it with ashes
    put peanuts around the hole
    When the elephant goes to eat the peanuts
    Kick him in the ash-hole.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    No jokes but do listen to the doctor. The odds are very much in your favor in this instance.

    My mother had breast cancer, radical mastectomy of both :censored2: in the 70s. Three years later, they found three spots on her lungs and she was a very heavy smoker. None were cancerous, just nodules that showed up on x-rays, which means they had to be a pretty decent size. In case you're wondering, she's still around and being a pain in the neck. And, yes, she still smokes.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    geez I never remember jokes! I do remember how to send a hug though! here ya go ((((HUG))))

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says," There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (you're gonna love this)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says....

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are....)

    Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!!
    Have a great day

    HEEE HEEE!!!!

  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>To go along with antsmom's joke:</span>

    <span style='font-family: Century Gothic'>A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.

    As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."

    Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.

    They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."

    As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.

    As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?

    "I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"</span>

    :smile: :smile: :smile:
    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>A new day brings a new opportunity....and a hug coming your way!</span>
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Alyssa, I'm sorry you are worried. It is certainly understandable. Here's a hug and something to divert your attention for awhile. I hope it makes it past the censors. :rofl:

    Who is Jack Schitt?

    The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

    Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

    So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list! go have a glass of wine. :smile:

    Suz :princess:
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    mmmkay, I was not going to tell this joke, but if Suz can tell the Jack Schitt joke...

    Do you know why men snore when they are sleeping on their backs?

    Their balls fall down over their :censored2:-holes, causing a vaporlock.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you have to deal wiht this. I would worry too! Here is a joke my 15yo told me:

    A bear was chasing a rabbit in some woods. The rabbit ran over what looked like a bear bottle and tripped, rubbing the bottle.

    A genie popped out of the bottle. Genie said, "Whew, thanks to both of you. That looks like an ordinary beer bottle, but I have been cooped up for 300 years in it. I usually only give wishes to humans, but I will give each of you 3 wishes because I am so grateful. But no wishing for more wishes."

    The bear said, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female."

    The genie said ok.

    The rabbit wished for a motorcycle helmet.

    Out of thin air came a tiny helmet, perfect for a rabbit. When it landed on his head it even had openings for his ears.

    The bear said, "Heck, I wish every other bear in North America was female."

    The genie said, "That sort of cancels out your first wish, but ok."

    The rabbit wished for a Harley.

    Out of the sky fell a tiny Harley-Davidson motorcycle, with a leather jacket on the handlebars. It fell so that it almost hit the bunny, but swerved and landed gently next to him. The bunny put on the jacket and sat on the bike.

    The bear growled, "I wish all the other bears in the world were female."

    The genie said, "Are you sure? Seems like it cancels out your other wishes."

    The bear growled yes. So the genie did it.

    The rabbit, perched on his bike, said, "For my final wish, I wish the bear was gay." And raced off as fast as he could!!

  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oooh, here's a good one for you... and it's TRUE!
    <span style='font-family: Times New Roman'>
    Black Lab Drives Owner's Car Into River
    Posted: 2007-06-22 15:52:55
    SAGLE, Idaho (June 22) - Bad dog. Charlie the black lab is in trouble after driving his owner's car into the Pend Oreille River. Owner Mark Ewing had just returned home from picking up a pizza Wednesday evening. As he walked to his home, Charlie jumped into the car through an open window, and apparently knocked the vehicle into gear.

    "He somehow got the car into neutral," Ewing said. "My car just went boom, down an incline and into the drink."

    Ewing could only watch as his Chevy Impala sank into the river. No dummy, Charlie jumped out of the window as the car went downhill.

    "There's nothing weirder than looking at your car cruising down your driveway when you're not in it and seeing your dog jump out and then watching your car go splash," Ewing said.

    Actually, things got a little weirder when the tow truck driver showed up.

    Before the driver dove into the water to hook the car up to his truck, he asked Ewing to hold his dentures.

    "My car's in the drink, I've got dentures in my hand and this guy Keith from Clyde's Towing goes swimming," Ewing noted.
    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> </span>
  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    First of all, I wish you good health and hope all the test show that it is a false alarm.

    Here's a "blonde joke" and I hope it doesn't offend anyone:

    The Insensitive Ventriloquist

    A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?" "It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs." "You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b*stard on your knee."
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Okay, I'm smacking my typing hand and feeling like I should censor myself.........and BBK, too.

    Bad Suz :hammer: Bad BBK :hammer: ...and maybe Bad Esther? :rofl:

    (the funny thing is that Nan-muttmeister is the one who posted the story about Jack the first time on the board a few years ago and I LMAO so hard I kept it and re-printed it here)

    I guess if Loth edits us we'll find out how really bad we are. :angel:

  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Oh you guys made me laugh!!!!Those were the funniest things ever!!! Today I spoke to 2 doctors- my oncologist said I need a biopsy but since it is small(not showing up on x-ray, only catscan) then wait 6-8 weeks and do it again. If it stays the same, its fine. My family Dr. said he doesn't think it would be BC because there would be lots of them, not just the one-plus my pathology report -the tumor was grade 3- highest form of aggressive behavoir so it would burst out large from the get-go. That made me feel much better, plus a friend of mine has one there and she is fine, hers never grows. She had BC too. Everything together, includung the funny things, made me feel so much better. -Alyssa we should save these for someone else who needs cheering up.
  19. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Guess laughter is the BEST medicine.......

    Glad there is no cause for a health alarm.