There are times when the situation is so awful that we don't know how to say what needs to be said ~ or how to justify saying what needs to be said, though we know we have to. This opening phrase was something I could say. When the conversation would go off-track (which it does with people who are using drugs), I would return to that phrase and be able to take enough strength from it to say what I needed to say.
"I love you too much to watch you self-destruct."
Then, present your ultimatums. He needs treatment, or he needs to leave. You are not going to help him destroy himself or support him while he does it.
Another phrase we found helpful: "You were raised better than to do what you are doing."
Your son does need treatment for his addictions. The lifestyle he is choosing can become dangerous to you and to any other children in the home, very, very fast. This is a toll-free number for you to access information on what is available for you, and for your son in your area: 211 Because there have been so many cut-backs lately, not all states have the 211 system any longer. If your state doesn't, you can google United Way Information and Referral. There will be a toll-free number there.
If that doesn't work, go to the blue (government) pages in your phone book. Look for Information and Referral. If there isn't one, contact Social Services. You can just tell them you need to speak to a social worker, that you are looking for information, and that you wish to remain anonymous.
What you need to know is how to proceed. If you aren't ready to make your son leave home yet, then therapy or some kind of support group for you will be a good thing to do. If you are not already attending Al-Anon or something similar, the parents there will be able to help you become strong and committed enough to take the lead in getting your son out of your home and into treatment.
One of the above resources should help you get in touch with people who can help your son. If none of the above resources help, then call the crisis line at your local hospital. They should have numbers on file where you can begin searching for what help is available in your area for yourself, and for your son, and how to access those services.
I know what this feels like. I have been where you are, now. I know how much you love your son, and I am sorry, so sorry, this has happened to your child.
If he refuses treatment, he still needs to leave. Find the numbers for shelters in your area. Call them to familiarize yourself with them. This will help you be strong enough to drop your son off near one.
You do hold all the power over your own life. The horror of it is that you may not be able to save your son's life.
I am so sorry.
Cedar