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Terrible Night Last Night
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<blockquote data-quote="Running_for_the_shelter" data-source="post: 390445" data-attributes="member: 2960"><p>Similar scenarios play out at my house, too. The right medications for my difficult child have certainly helped, but we still have them. I handle difficult child's "fits" better than his father, because I used to be that kid. My husband continues to start sentences with No, Stop, or Don't and these are red flags to the bull. By the way -- are you actually asking for tips, or mostly just wanting to vent? The (ex?)-difficult child in me gets annoyed when people give me advice and I really just wanted them to listen. I generally know the answer, anyway -- I'm just frustrated!</p><p></p><p>Here are a few thoughts I would have if it were my difficult child -- skip if you just wanted to vent! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Calm is good, but my difficult child is VERY sensitive to tone of voice. If he thinks someone is being condescending or mocking him even a little, the rage goes way up. My difficult child is only 9, but I can only threaten "you'll lose your electronics for the rest of the weekend" if he's only just begun his spiral. Once he's into it, intangible consequences mean nothing. However, I can hold up an object and say "I will take the stuffed tiger away if you don't do X -- you don't want to lose the tiger, do you?" He is programmed to say No when he's angry, so I ask questions where No is the right answer. If he's farther along than I realized, I will hear "Give me the tiger! If you don't give me the tiger back, I'll (fill in current difficult child threat)". [My favorite threat is when he would threaten to put me down the storm drain. As if I could even fit through the grate.] Then I say, "I don't really want the tiger. But I need to get your attention." I also have a stock speech I use after he's ranted about giving it back: "I really can't give this back to you now. I wish I could, but the problem is that you threw a fit, and if I give it back now, it teaches you that throwing a fit is a way to get what you want. I can't teach you that so I really can't do it." I do sometimes let difficult child earn privileges back after the storm has passed. This is actually the easiest way for me to get his room cleaned. </p><p></p><p>Avoiding the meltdown in the first place is, of course, the real goal. I can often do this by reflecting his initial complaint, sympathizing, and then explaining the requirement. Exploring why he didn't want to go to religion that day gives you some material. Perhaps you've had the conversation so many times already, you know the answer. In that case, I go with, "Yeah, I thought religion was kind of boring when I was a kid, too. But when I got older, I was glad I went. You know, it's only an hour. After you get home, we can go to the park and throw the ball around a little. If you get really bored, think about what kind of ball game you want to play with me afterward." My husband would go into, You have to go! and difficult child doesn't feel his viewpoint and feelings are being considered. Once he's been validated to some degree and given something else to think about, he's a lot easier to manipulate, er, re-direct. </p><p></p><p>Good luck and I hope today is better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Running_for_the_shelter, post: 390445, member: 2960"] Similar scenarios play out at my house, too. The right medications for my difficult child have certainly helped, but we still have them. I handle difficult child's "fits" better than his father, because I used to be that kid. My husband continues to start sentences with No, Stop, or Don't and these are red flags to the bull. By the way -- are you actually asking for tips, or mostly just wanting to vent? The (ex?)-difficult child in me gets annoyed when people give me advice and I really just wanted them to listen. I generally know the answer, anyway -- I'm just frustrated! Here are a few thoughts I would have if it were my difficult child -- skip if you just wanted to vent! :) Calm is good, but my difficult child is VERY sensitive to tone of voice. If he thinks someone is being condescending or mocking him even a little, the rage goes way up. My difficult child is only 9, but I can only threaten "you'll lose your electronics for the rest of the weekend" if he's only just begun his spiral. Once he's into it, intangible consequences mean nothing. However, I can hold up an object and say "I will take the stuffed tiger away if you don't do X -- you don't want to lose the tiger, do you?" He is programmed to say No when he's angry, so I ask questions where No is the right answer. If he's farther along than I realized, I will hear "Give me the tiger! If you don't give me the tiger back, I'll (fill in current difficult child threat)". [My favorite threat is when he would threaten to put me down the storm drain. As if I could even fit through the grate.] Then I say, "I don't really want the tiger. But I need to get your attention." I also have a stock speech I use after he's ranted about giving it back: "I really can't give this back to you now. I wish I could, but the problem is that you threw a fit, and if I give it back now, it teaches you that throwing a fit is a way to get what you want. I can't teach you that so I really can't do it." I do sometimes let difficult child earn privileges back after the storm has passed. This is actually the easiest way for me to get his room cleaned. Avoiding the meltdown in the first place is, of course, the real goal. I can often do this by reflecting his initial complaint, sympathizing, and then explaining the requirement. Exploring why he didn't want to go to religion that day gives you some material. Perhaps you've had the conversation so many times already, you know the answer. In that case, I go with, "Yeah, I thought religion was kind of boring when I was a kid, too. But when I got older, I was glad I went. You know, it's only an hour. After you get home, we can go to the park and throw the ball around a little. If you get really bored, think about what kind of ball game you want to play with me afterward." My husband would go into, You have to go! and difficult child doesn't feel his viewpoint and feelings are being considered. Once he's been validated to some degree and given something else to think about, he's a lot easier to manipulate, er, re-direct. Good luck and I hope today is better. [/QUOTE]
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