Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Getting happier, Jan 6, 2007.

  1. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    I have been desperate . I could read all your posts but lost my password and have been frantically trying everything I could think of to sign in. I was looking for something and finally found it. I need you all so much. Witzend, I really understand, I feel my easy child and I are "terrorized" by difficult child. It is so unfair to easy child to have to put up with all the abuse difficult child gives her. I wish there was a web site like this for the siblings of difficult children. I let my difficult child return home after 2 yrs in group home one month ago, it feels like 5 yrs since he has been home. While in group home he came home every weekend, but there was support and he was basically unable to go anywhere a great deal of the time while in the group home. I had cheap car for easy child to use to go to school. He feels he should be allowed to use it too. so, I tried letting them share. He would pick her up late, he came into her job at panera bread and was screaming f--- you to her and calling her f---ing b----, because she accidently locked the keys in the car. She could not believe they did not fire her. He told her that I was f---ing b----, but will not say that to my face. His language is absolutely disgraceful. He hangs around with hoodlums and has been almost living with a girl and keeping my car overnight. One morning I got up to go to work and had no car. I cried, first time in 15 yrs. easy child had asked to spend the night at friends, difficult child just never came home. I am paying for the cars, the gas etc. Now he is out of money and not working and not in school. He uses me. It is unbelieveable. He showed easy child some smoking pipe - she told me about it, but I cannot let him know that she told me or he will hurt her. Today she said he hit her. He has not done that for about 6 yrs. I cannot tell him she told me or he will hurt her worse. She told me he told her that he is selling drugs. Again, I do not want to put her up as the snitch or he may hurt her. so, I called him and told him that he cannot live here any more and that I do not have to give him a reason. I told him that he has to call to make appointment to pick up his belongings. He got job at Menards starting 1/16/07. I have no idea if he will get there or how he will get there. He never finished highschool. He is supposed to take GED in June but he tests so low he will have to take at least 2 mos to study. He applied for union job with operating engineers but do not know if they will take him and it is not til march.Soemtimes I think he is no good. He has such rage and hatred and does not care who he hurts. Is it right of me to think this is because he never had a good father? I am sooooooooo sad, I need to go back to title of "secretly sad". I cannot tell anyone, no one I know understands, no one has a son as bad as mine. Once in a while I mention something and the judgements come down. It never helps, It always makes me feel worse. The depth of my sadness cannot be expressed. I told easy child to call 911 if he comes in the house, takes her car, or hurts her. He will go to jail. He is 18. I was legal guardian til then, but now am nothing. I will tell them to prosecute him. I think my son is a drug addict and criminal and will spend a lot of time in prison and I may be the one sending him there. I have very little hope, the only hope I have is that someday he will hit bottom and turn his life around. I pray he does not hurt easy child or me or damage property. We have had so many holes in walls and now in new townhouse, easy child told me he put a hole in his room. i just want to cry.(Thanks God I got back to you all) I am afraid of him and his friends.
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    So sorry this is happening. I want you to know that nearly ALL of us on this board have felt what you are feeling.
    My difficult child has done the same things to me and my easy child.
    Your home is YOUR home. You nor your easy child have to endure the treatment you are getting from difficult child.
    If difficult child is selling drugs he should be punished by law enforcement. You will not be the one sending him to jail, He is the one making the choices he is making.
    I hope you find some peace in knowing that you are not alone.
    It helped me when I finally got angry with my difficult child about his choices. I know that I raised him to be a good person and I know that he is choosing to live on the wrong side of the law. He is waiting for a court date now, He's not changed his ways at all.
    My strength came from my easy child, I knew that she deserved to live in a safe and secure home.
    wish you well
  3. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not responsible for sending hin to prison, or having to find his own way. His choice/ his consequence. No two ways about it. You are definately not alone. Many of us have been there, some are still there. I just told mine kind of the same thing. He had to take a drug test or leave.
    I hope things get better. You and your other child deserve to be safe.
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I have been where you are. I feel like crying just reading your post. You can always go to the police station anytime you are scared and get a temporary restaining order -then make it permanent. I put up with this until my difficult child graduated from HS. Plus one more summer-I had to protect my other kids, difficult child was hurting them- anytime and for no reason.I know that out of control feeling, the hatred, and the holes in the walls- but you don't have to let it continue. It is horrible to do, but he dictated the terms of the relationship. I'm sorry(((hugs)))).-Alyssa
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome Back!

    I'm so glad you found your password. If you happen to lose it again just request one upon sign in and you'll get a temp one. I've been working with my temp one forever now. lol No need for you to feel alone just because you misplaced your password.

    I'm so sorry difficult child is putting you and easy child thru the ringer and then some. Sending many (((((((hugs)))))))) and saying prayers.
  6. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I am glad you found your password, Getting Happier.

    When I have been closed out of the site for one reason or another, I have read through without being able to comment, too. Even just to be able to do that helped me feel less alone, and stronger.

    I am sorry this is happening to you and your family.

    Keep posting.

    There is something about coming here and telling the others what is REALLY happening in our lives that makes us stronger, I think.

    As one of us said earlier, you are no longer alone with it.

  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I too had been terrorized in my own home by ant.
    no more
    it helped to throw him out at 18 and let him be angry with me, but learning a lesson about life.
    call the cops any time he hits anything or destroys anything or terrorizes anyone.

    he needs to learn the world has rules. help him learn that by throwing him out and using all the police help you can get so he gets the idea that this will not be tolerated.

    it is hard and he will hate you for it but right now you hate yourself for not making this stop.

    it can stop when you are ready.

    TYLERFAN New Member

    You need not be terrorized in your own home. Show him the door, change the locks, do what you have to, to protect easy child.
    Does this stem from not having a father? It may but that is still no excuse for his actions. Plenty of kids don't know their father and they don't act crazy.
    I hope that you find the strength to detach from difficult child.

  9. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    Thanks so much to all of you who responded, you are my lifeline. sharon
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Sharon, you are on the right track. Stay strong and call 911 if you have to. You have no choice but to protect yourself and your daughter.

  11. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    My heart just broke reading your thread. :frown: You are in such fear and pain and I have been there...a very scary and lonely place to be. :frown:

    I'm glad you came back to the board. We do care.

    When you start thinking about the fact that your difficult child may end up in jail because of his actions, and you start feeling guilty because you may be the one who will report him, just remember that he is the one who made the choices that landed him wherever he ends up...OK???????

    I have had to do that a lot lately and believe me each time I tell myself that it gets easier to let go of the guilt, or the thoughts that if only I had done/said something different.

    Your difficult child is making some really bad choices, as mine did..but...they are his to make..not yours to suffer for.

    Do what you need to do to protect and take care of yourself and your easy child. Seems your difficult child will have to learn on his own now..as mine will. :frown:

    Sending you many gentle hugs.
  12. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    Thanks, to both of you. It helps to know others service difficult children and can actually have happy moments.
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I was so glad to get to the point in your post where you said you told him he can't live there anymore and has to make an appointment to come get his stuff. If I were you I would find out when he is coming, then pack it all up and leave it outside for him. Don't let him in to get it, because he'll find a way to stay.
    You do not deserve to live like this and I'm glad you are taking action. Stay strong, go to alanon, whatever it takes. You can do this.!!!!!!
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I too am glad that you are back. It helps to have support from people who truly understand. As far as your question "is it because he never had an involved father?"
    Well I say absolutely not. There are many people who have had no father figure or an abusive father who do not behave as your son does. The choices are his alone. The fact that he didn't have a dad that he could count on probably did hurt his heart but he is the one who chose how he was going to react to that hurt. The thing is, there are many times we cannot control or change our circumstances. On the other hand, we can always change our reactions. I'm sorry for your sadness. I say: Change the locks, change the phone number to an unlisted one, get a restraining order, and stop letting him terrorize you into giving him what he demands or letting him take from you without giving back, or steal or destroy your property without calling the cops. -RM
  15. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    Such good suggestions, thank you all. I did think about putting everything in black garbage bag on front porch and he can just pick it up, I do not want anger and violence in the home and I tried changing the garage code last night before calling to tell him he cannot come back. He does not have house key, thank goodness. If I fine out that he is pushing or trying to get in , I will get restraining order. Both easy child and I are posed to call 911 at the drop of a hat from him.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you for sticking up for yourself and easy child. It is important to teach easy child not to be a victim of abuse. NOBODY has to put up with abuse, physical or emotional - FROM ANYONE. Not your husband, son or brother has a right abuse you. Do not feel bad for protecting yourself and easy child. It is your duty as a mother.

  17. Witzend_Away

    Witzend_Away New Member


    I know that it hurts. You are doing the right thing to ask him (tell him) to leave. You are absolutely right that you don't owe him a reason. Your house, your choice.

    The pipe and the actions sound as if he is using meth. It is a crazy scary drug. Anyone using this drug who already has violent tendancies can not be trusted not to hurt someone. I wouldn't even make an appointment to have him come pick up his stuff. I'd rent a storage facility for a month (about $45) and find a way to get the combination to him. I would be really worried about violence against you or particularly against your easy child if he came to your home.

    Good luck, and be good to yourselves. Make sure easy child knows that you are serious when you say that she has to call the police. She should not tell 911 that it is her brother. Let them sort it out when they get there. You could also get a restraining order. That would make things much easier if the police need to be called. They can't delay if you have one.