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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 149373" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Some suggestions - the mother has made a statement that she has no problems at home, therefore it is the school causing the problems. To a certain extent, she may have hit the nail on the head. Your observation, CLB4, that the new systems you have put in place are working, could well bear the mother's story out.</p><p></p><p>The problem now becomes one of blame. And blame shouldn't come into this, but it going to be how the mother is thinking.</p><p></p><p>School simply is different to home, in so many ways. You can't turn school into home. There appear to be factors in the school environment which are absent from the home environment, and it is likely that it is these factors which are causing the tip-over into bad behaviour. The mother needs to see (somehow) that you guys need help, that his behaviour is not normal, but this is not about blame. it's about the child's ability to deal with change and a more challenging (for him) environment.</p><p></p><p>Some kids (a lot of kids) take to school like a duck to water, because it is more stimulating than home, they love the opportunity to learn and the enriched environment they find themselves in. But some kids find it all too much - the noise, the crowd, the push and shove, the need to do what everyone else is doing, when you're told to. A big problem for some kids is task-changing. I used to find with difficult child 3 - a worksheet would be handed out, it would take him some time to settle to do the task. Distractions were a big problem for him and he couldn't settle until other kids stopped fidgeting and all was quiet. By the time he was getting started, the teacher was almost ready to switch tasks to the next topic. difficult child 3 would be upset tat he hadn't had time to do his work, and with the new task - same problems, over again.</p><p></p><p>I do feel you would benefit from a communication book, but this would require the mother's cooperation. Maybe if she felt she was in the driver's seat, at least a little, it would be enough to bring her round.</p><p></p><p>A starting point - "You say he's fine at home - that is good to hear. Could you tell us about his home routine, so we can examine it and see how much we can incorporate into the routine at school? Perhaps if you and I sit down together and compare notes, we can find some answers, maybe a different approach, which can better help your son to make the transition from home to school."</p><p>Telling her of good progress with the changes you have made could be good, also. If you also ask her opinion on the changes you have put in place and ask how it connects with how she manages him at home, then it could be the start of some positive communication.</p><p></p><p>Another rather naughty idea - something we've observed for ourselves, when you begin using "Explosive Child" techniques on a difficult child, anybody who is not on the same page often has problems. So if you start using this at school and he finds school much freer and more amenable to his need to control aspects of his environment, then he may begin to break out with worse behaviour at home, saving his good behaviour for school. What will be her reaction then?</p><p></p><p>A lot of us as parents find the child is worse at home. They try to hold it together at school, then when they come home to where they feel safe, they let it all out.</p><p></p><p>A communication book needs to be informal, fairly regular, and needs cooperation from home and school. And it is important to write in GOOD stuff, too. A note saying, "He only had two meltdowns today, this is a great improvement," is still positive.</p><p></p><p>What really opened my eyes to the problems difficult child 3 was having at school - we had transferred him to a school which invited parents in to help, in certain classes. We might read to the kids, or we might support the teacher in a class where he's handed out worksheets. I noticed difficult child 3 was distracted and not working, so I offered to stay away. The teacher said, "Oh, he's not reacting to your presence. He's always like that."</p><p>I'm wondering if there is some way she can observe her child's behaviour in class, perhaps to quietly indicate to you situations where she handles him differently. Even observing him at play with other kids (if he has problems there too) can help her see that the school environment itself, something most kids can handle, is something he's just not settling into.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. It really sounds like she's in denial, in a big way. Until she personally has to face problems, she won't accept that he has a problem. It will always be someone else's fault, because otherwise she has to blame herself. But as I said before, it's not about blame. And it's so hard for some people to accept this.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for being so caring. Do let us know how you get on. I'm glad your modifications have already made a positive difference.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 149373, member: 1991"] Some suggestions - the mother has made a statement that she has no problems at home, therefore it is the school causing the problems. To a certain extent, she may have hit the nail on the head. Your observation, CLB4, that the new systems you have put in place are working, could well bear the mother's story out. The problem now becomes one of blame. And blame shouldn't come into this, but it going to be how the mother is thinking. School simply is different to home, in so many ways. You can't turn school into home. There appear to be factors in the school environment which are absent from the home environment, and it is likely that it is these factors which are causing the tip-over into bad behaviour. The mother needs to see (somehow) that you guys need help, that his behaviour is not normal, but this is not about blame. it's about the child's ability to deal with change and a more challenging (for him) environment. Some kids (a lot of kids) take to school like a duck to water, because it is more stimulating than home, they love the opportunity to learn and the enriched environment they find themselves in. But some kids find it all too much - the noise, the crowd, the push and shove, the need to do what everyone else is doing, when you're told to. A big problem for some kids is task-changing. I used to find with difficult child 3 - a worksheet would be handed out, it would take him some time to settle to do the task. Distractions were a big problem for him and he couldn't settle until other kids stopped fidgeting and all was quiet. By the time he was getting started, the teacher was almost ready to switch tasks to the next topic. difficult child 3 would be upset tat he hadn't had time to do his work, and with the new task - same problems, over again. I do feel you would benefit from a communication book, but this would require the mother's cooperation. Maybe if she felt she was in the driver's seat, at least a little, it would be enough to bring her round. A starting point - "You say he's fine at home - that is good to hear. Could you tell us about his home routine, so we can examine it and see how much we can incorporate into the routine at school? Perhaps if you and I sit down together and compare notes, we can find some answers, maybe a different approach, which can better help your son to make the transition from home to school." Telling her of good progress with the changes you have made could be good, also. If you also ask her opinion on the changes you have put in place and ask how it connects with how she manages him at home, then it could be the start of some positive communication. Another rather naughty idea - something we've observed for ourselves, when you begin using "Explosive Child" techniques on a difficult child, anybody who is not on the same page often has problems. So if you start using this at school and he finds school much freer and more amenable to his need to control aspects of his environment, then he may begin to break out with worse behaviour at home, saving his good behaviour for school. What will be her reaction then? A lot of us as parents find the child is worse at home. They try to hold it together at school, then when they come home to where they feel safe, they let it all out. A communication book needs to be informal, fairly regular, and needs cooperation from home and school. And it is important to write in GOOD stuff, too. A note saying, "He only had two meltdowns today, this is a great improvement," is still positive. What really opened my eyes to the problems difficult child 3 was having at school - we had transferred him to a school which invited parents in to help, in certain classes. We might read to the kids, or we might support the teacher in a class where he's handed out worksheets. I noticed difficult child 3 was distracted and not working, so I offered to stay away. The teacher said, "Oh, he's not reacting to your presence. He's always like that." I'm wondering if there is some way she can observe her child's behaviour in class, perhaps to quietly indicate to you situations where she handles him differently. Even observing him at play with other kids (if he has problems there too) can help her see that the school environment itself, something most kids can handle, is something he's just not settling into. Good luck with this one. It really sounds like she's in denial, in a big way. Until she personally has to face problems, she won't accept that he has a problem. It will always be someone else's fault, because otherwise she has to blame herself. But as I said before, it's not about blame. And it's so hard for some people to accept this. Thank you for being so caring. Do let us know how you get on. I'm glad your modifications have already made a positive difference. Marg [/QUOTE]
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