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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 371463" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Jal, I don't know you but I am so glad to see your post.</p><p> </p><p>I want to share some things from my own past, just in case anything strikes a chord. Since I don't know you or your situation, I hope that will help you understand I mean this in no way as a claim to know what your situation is.</p><p> </p><p>My own situation is that I was in an abusive, controlling marriage for a number of years. The patterns were so subtle, I didn't see them until years down the pike, with a lot of soul-searching, counseling, and reading. Tension would build over time, explode in some fashion, and then there would be an apologetic, "honeymoon" period, where I once again had exactly the man I longed for. Over time, he learned better and better just how to reel me in after an explosion, what to say and do to most effectively "melt" me into believing what I really WANTED to believe. That it really wasn't so bad. He didn't mean it. I surely said or did something wrong to cause the explosion. That I could be a better wife somehow. That it was really my fault after all, for making him angry, misinterpreting something he said or did. Etc. This pattern took hold much more easily since the abuse was not the dramatic battering that lands a woman in the emergency room. Since it wasn't THAT, I even had trouble convincing myself that my situation qualified as "abuse." I knew I was miserable much of the time, and FELT like I was being abused, but since I had no bruises to show, I even felt GUILTY for thinking that way. I didn't have the "battle wounds" to justify those feelings and must surely be blowing things out of proportion.</p><p> </p><p>Over time, I became more and more confused. I had no confidence in my capability to correctly separate reality from illusion. I felt as if I were in a "house of mirrors" where I did not know what was real and had no faith in my perceptions. It was much easier for me to allow him to define reality for me than to look directly at my situation. Over time, I became so deeply invested in the relationship. I certainly did not want to admit to myself or to anybody else that, not only was I in an abusive situation, but that I had allowed it to go in circles for so many years. Tension build, explosion, then the appearance of the "prince" I thought I had married.</p><p> </p><p>Central to my pattern as well as the patterns of many other people I have spoken to or read about, is the minimizing what happened, questioning my memory and/or interpretation of what happened, allowing him to define my reality because I was too confused to have any confidence in my own perceptions.</p><p> </p><p>One of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever got from a counselor, when I was in a great deal of emotional pain, feeling I had to do something but did not know which way to turn, was.... "Do nothing for now except observe. Take notes somewhere inside. Look for patterns and see if you can predict what will happen next as you go along." I'd already heard several times from him, "I can't believe you haven't been in this place before. What do you THINK will happen next?"</p><p> </p><p>The counselor took the pressure off when he asked me to do nothing. I watched. I learned to trust myself a little bit, as I saw that I WAS able to identify patterns. That I WAS able to predict next moves. That I was NOT as incapable as I'd come to believe I was. I recognized more and more of the specific tools that were serving the purpose of keeping me off balance and firmly under his control. I remember so well, in one of the early counseling appointments, saying, "I FEEL like I'm being abused. Do YOU think it's right to call it abuse?" Nothing was truth for me at that time, until somebody validated FOR me, what was real.</p><p> </p><p>Jal, it may be that none of this applies to you at all, but I felt compeled to share it anyway. I'll definitely be thinking of you and hoping to see posts from you every now and then. TAKE CARE OF YOU!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 371463, member: 8226"] Jal, I don't know you but I am so glad to see your post. I want to share some things from my own past, just in case anything strikes a chord. Since I don't know you or your situation, I hope that will help you understand I mean this in no way as a claim to know what your situation is. My own situation is that I was in an abusive, controlling marriage for a number of years. The patterns were so subtle, I didn't see them until years down the pike, with a lot of soul-searching, counseling, and reading. Tension would build over time, explode in some fashion, and then there would be an apologetic, "honeymoon" period, where I once again had exactly the man I longed for. Over time, he learned better and better just how to reel me in after an explosion, what to say and do to most effectively "melt" me into believing what I really WANTED to believe. That it really wasn't so bad. He didn't mean it. I surely said or did something wrong to cause the explosion. That I could be a better wife somehow. That it was really my fault after all, for making him angry, misinterpreting something he said or did. Etc. This pattern took hold much more easily since the abuse was not the dramatic battering that lands a woman in the emergency room. Since it wasn't THAT, I even had trouble convincing myself that my situation qualified as "abuse." I knew I was miserable much of the time, and FELT like I was being abused, but since I had no bruises to show, I even felt GUILTY for thinking that way. I didn't have the "battle wounds" to justify those feelings and must surely be blowing things out of proportion. Over time, I became more and more confused. I had no confidence in my capability to correctly separate reality from illusion. I felt as if I were in a "house of mirrors" where I did not know what was real and had no faith in my perceptions. It was much easier for me to allow him to define reality for me than to look directly at my situation. Over time, I became so deeply invested in the relationship. I certainly did not want to admit to myself or to anybody else that, not only was I in an abusive situation, but that I had allowed it to go in circles for so many years. Tension build, explosion, then the appearance of the "prince" I thought I had married. Central to my pattern as well as the patterns of many other people I have spoken to or read about, is the minimizing what happened, questioning my memory and/or interpretation of what happened, allowing him to define my reality because I was too confused to have any confidence in my own perceptions. One of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever got from a counselor, when I was in a great deal of emotional pain, feeling I had to do something but did not know which way to turn, was.... "Do nothing for now except observe. Take notes somewhere inside. Look for patterns and see if you can predict what will happen next as you go along." I'd already heard several times from him, "I can't believe you haven't been in this place before. What do you THINK will happen next?" The counselor took the pressure off when he asked me to do nothing. I watched. I learned to trust myself a little bit, as I saw that I WAS able to identify patterns. That I WAS able to predict next moves. That I was NOT as incapable as I'd come to believe I was. I recognized more and more of the specific tools that were serving the purpose of keeping me off balance and firmly under his control. I remember so well, in one of the early counseling appointments, saying, "I FEEL like I'm being abused. Do YOU think it's right to call it abuse?" Nothing was truth for me at that time, until somebody validated FOR me, what was real. Jal, it may be that none of this applies to you at all, but I felt compeled to share it anyway. I'll definitely be thinking of you and hoping to see posts from you every now and then. TAKE CARE OF YOU! [/QUOTE]
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