Thanks for all the advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rob#30, Aug 8, 2008.

  1. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice from everyone. Today was difficult, difficult child called me 17 times by 10 am this morning @ work! Never really has anything to say but "im bored" "when can I have my cell phone back" "when are you coming home"..... I get frustrated and tell him to stop calling me so much @ work, he hangs up on me & then I feel so horribly guilty that I have to call him back because I dont want him to think I dont want to talk to him at all. Its like a crazy vicious cycle. I will be discussing with- his pediatrician getting him a Neuro/Psyc evaluation. What is that exactly anyway??
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He hung up on you....what do YOU feel guilty about?

    You may have to reevaluate how you react to him. Sometimes our reactions, while healthy and normal for a easy child, can be the things that set off a difficult child.

    I tell my difficult child that I can not talk and if she hangs up I am thankful! LOL!

    I figure she will go find someone else to bug or find something to do.
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    In all seriousness, your pediatrician may not know what a neuropsychological evaluation is or, not think it's necessary. My son's pediatrician, after he prescribed Strattera, and it wasn't effective, scoffed at me when I said that I was going to seek out a child phychiatrist. He argued that it simply wasn't necessary. I like the guy, and he's great for routine medical care, but anything beyond that, I do not consult him. I only let him know about medications during times of illness and check ups.

    Like I wrote wrote in my previous post on your other thread, pediatricians are out of their area of expertise when it comes to diagnosing psychological (also neurological) disorders. I include ADD/ADHD in that.Your son sounds much like a much more complicated case for a pediatrician. Just my opinion.

    This is what I would do in your situation:

    Seek out a phychiatrist that works with children. Perhaps this person can recommend a therapist if it gets to that point.

    Contact the nearest University that has a teaching hospital. Make an appointment with a neurologist that works in their department of pediatric neurology. They can make a recommendation regarding Neuropsychologist. They may even have their own department. For me, I did it privately because otherwise I would have had to wait almost a year to get Son in to see one. The neurologist might also want to do a C-scan, or MRI, just to rule out any brain anomolies.

    Get a neuropsychological evaluation. It's a comprehensive series of tests done over several days. It's grueling. At a few points during testing, my son had to run around the parking lot because he was having such a hard time getting through them. Plus, he had a few times when he stormed out refusing to continue. However, I kept calm and was able to coax him back in. I also kept aware when he had to stop for the day. No, it doesn't give all the answers, but it gives a lot of insight into the brain functions of our difficult children.

    Get The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

    Please know that doing all of the above takes time. I would say order the Ross Green book first, and NOW.

    Our kids do not respond well to traditional authoritarian techniques. That book will help you learn a new way of responding to your son.

    Be prepared. As you are only all too aware, this is a very bumpy road with these kids. Take time to take of you whenever you can. Try and get a break from him whenever you can.

    Please try not to feel guilty. If my kids called me that many times by 10 am I would be going out of my mind. They wouldn't dare hang up on me. Don't call him back, anymore. My son has a tendency to call over and over. Especially when he wants something. I allow one call. Sometimes, when he doesn't like my response, he calls again. He will start in, and *click* I hang up. So, that stuff RARELY happens anymore. Remove yourself my the vicious circle!

    Also, how does he do in school? Does he do the work? Does he have friends? Problems with teachers? Problems with peers?

    Anyway, I've blathered on long enough.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2008
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. My son calls a million times, too. I usually quit counting after 3.
    I hope you find a really good psychiatrist. The waiting lists are long. I'm going through this myself.
    Take care.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    He hung up on you. That's his reaction. That's not on you. I used to feel guilty, too, if my difficult child hung up on me. Now I just let it go. She's over-reacting and if I give in to it and call her back to try to smooth things over she's just learning that it's a good way to get attention and whatever it is she wants. I've learned that the less *I* react to her inappropriate behaviors, the faster she gets over her level of angst. I'm just not feeding into it anymore.

    Or...I'm trying not to. I still catch myself. Sometimes it takes other people pointing it out to me. Like I was on the phone with another board member and she didn't exactly point it out, but talked about how she handled it with her daughter and I realized that I was getting svcked back in. It happens to be one particular area that I always seem to svcked into. I just need to force myself to step back in those situations. It's not easy. It takes a focused, conscious effort.

    I haven't read your original post yet. I'll go do that now.

    by the way, welcome to the board. :flowers:
    Lasted edited by : Aug 8, 2008
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If the phone calls are a problem, try giving him a certain number of times he can call during the day. Tell him that after he reaches his limit you will either not answer (keep the phone on vibrate so you don't hear it) or you will give a c ertain consequence (charge $1, give a chore or work for 10 mins for each call, or take away something - YOU decide what the consequence will be, don't let him pick which one - these are just some suggestions) and then follow through with the consequence when you get home. Make sure the calls are not putting your job in jeopardy.

    My cell phone can be set to ahve a different ring tone for each person, so maybe have 1 ring tone for the phone he uses, and a diff one for brother's phone. This way bro can call and get an answer if there is a problem and you can tune out difficult child's calls after his limit.

    Stick to your guns for however long you have taken things away. don't let him wear you down.
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Set a time to check in with each other. Do you have a set break time at work? My difficult child would call me during his morning break at school. I would try to be at my desk and available. I would also sometimes get calls at lunch time and very seldom during afternoon break. So, three calls per day max - but usually only the morning break one.

    Can you make a list of activities that he can do? Then tell him one two things to do before 10:00 when he can call mom to check in. At that time, give him something else from the list. If you give him the entire list, he will be overwhelmed but if you can say, "Play legos or ride bike or bake brownies, or .......", it may just seem new and interesting?

    Do you have art projects? Sometimes the dollar store will have painting projects or other projects. Does he like to be outside? Is there somewhere he can set up a "fort" in the yard - that would take time.

    Tell him that if he ever tells you he is bored than he needs to clean something (his room, bathroom, kitchen, whatever). Then he will not be bored. Maybe instead of using the word "clean" ask him to "organize" a collection?

    He is old enough to understand that you can not be interrupted at work unless it is urgent. A simple, "Can not talk now, lets talk about it when I get home" will do. You can talk to him tonight about this.

    Hope this helped?
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How do difficult child and his brother get along? Could you try paying the brother to keep difficult child busy? I have a 15 yr old boy come into out house to watch difficult child in the mornings. The 15 yr old is awesome - they go on bike rides, play legos, play board and card games, practice baseball, go bowling. My difficult child has had the summer that every 11 yr old boy should.

    Two or three years ago, my difficult child went to day camp part of the week and was home with easy child one or two days. I paid easy child on the condition that she "entertain" difficult child - she had to do things to keep him busy.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good ideas, Adrianne and Susiestar. I'm taking notes here, too. :)
  10. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    OMG!! I absolutely love you guys! It is so unbelieveably refreshing to sit here and read posts from other people who are JUST LIKE ME!!! An answer to Dazed & Confused... difficult child sees a therapist once a week. I am guilty of not exactly telling her everything all of the time. I know that sounds crazy but I am new at this & like I said before, a lot of his behavior is embarassing & confusing to me. I have always truly felt that is was a reflection on my parenting skills. I am just now learning that I have been keeping secrets for difficult child for so long that nobody really knows what Im going through. I broke down today & called his therapist and spilled my guts to her. We are going to see her on Tues. She was a little shocked at all that I told her... Smoking Pot, Innapropriate downloads on computer, etc.. She needs to "process all of it" and she will talk to us about it on Tues. difficult child does not know I told her, this ought to be a wonderful visit!! As for school, I fought tooth & nail this past school year to have him tested for Special Education. Again, I never told anyone about ADHD. Not even school so they were all very resistant to Special Education testing. Once I confessed about ADHD it was like Ohhhhhh, thats whats wrong with him! I cried my eyes out like an idiot in front of all of them. Again, GUILT. I had to write to the board of ED to get them to test him. No one thought he would qualify....guess what? He did! It was at the very end of the year so we will see this year how much it helps. Hes an average student in most areas. He excells in math, technology, phys ed. Eng, SS & Science only so-so. Hes got lots of friends but he never really deals with them out of school. This past year he had some issues @ school. His math teacher was the girls basketball coach as well. She had the championship game ball set up on a display with all of the players autographs on it. Well, difficult child decided to add his autograph to it, in permanent black marker! Hes told to stay after, he dosent because "he forgot" I cant wait for school to start again! You all have given me wonderful ideas about the phone calls, thanks!;)
  11. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    They dont get along!! My 15 yr old, who is my sanity, can not stand to be around my difficult child. Some of it is his age but some of it is that difficult child is so incredibly frustrating & annoying. That is a lost cause with the two of them, at least for now but thanks!!
  12. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    Adrianne, thanks, great advice that I will put to the test Monday morning!
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I am not sure how old your difficult child is but one thing I would do with mine when he called repeatedly....immediately ask if anyone is burnt, bleeding or in need of assitance. Generally the answer is no. My reply is that I will call home on my lunch/break/specified time and deal with the issue then. Then I would calmly hang up. If he started giving me lip...I hung up. (with NO guilt) I would also occasionally repeat that I'm at work and unless it's an emergency, I can't talk right now. End of discussion.

    Sending hugs though. been there done that.

    As for the therapist........don't feel you have to cover for difficult child. Tell the therapist EVERYTHING! First of all, it's the only way the therapist will get a clear picture and know what to work with difficult child on. Second, it can help you because you can get ways of dealing with/helping/redirecting difficult child. ADHD can show itself in so many different behaviors that it can be and is very overwhelming to the child's parents.