Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
The 12th will be the first anniversary of Fred walking on. So I hope if I come across not quite myself in any posts that you all have patience with me.
It is difficult to think that much time has passed, and for once my faulty memory is not the cause. I can still feel his hand in mine, his gentle touch, his arms around me when I allow myself to do so. I don't often because it makes my heart hurt. I no longer have an overwhelming desire to join him, so I take that as I am healing. The desire is there, I won't lie, but nothing like it was, and since I can't find words adequate enough to describe how that felt, I'm not going to try.
When you take your wedding vows, they say something to the effect of "two united as one" and that was Fred and I in a nutshell. I've had friends, both close and not so close, come and go in my life. But Fred was my closest, best friend for 30 yrs. Other than my grandmother who raised me, I never gave of my heart and soul so utterly completely to another person. Other than my grandmother, he was the only one to earn my complete and utter trust. I knew with everything that I was that this man would never ever do anything to deliberately hurt me. And for someone who spent their childhood severely abused and neglected (except while with grandma)........ Well, I knew that first "date" that Fred and I would spend the rest of our lives together. I knew that God had placed him in my life, at that time, in the way he chose to do it, because He intended us to share our lives together. Fred helped my soul heal from so many horrid atrocities that it would boggle your minds. His love made me whole, a whole person out of a very very broken one.
Having Asperger's, Fred had issues socially and reading social cues. He did not "get" the social thing very well. But this quirk about him, also gave him the ability to give completely of himself emotionally. His love for me was all that mattered to him. And oddly, even though he had an obsession he battled with another woman (started 20 yrs before me), it never wavered his love for me or his children. Unlike most men, the words "I love you" came from his lips often, to me.......and to his children. He always meant it, it was always said with emotion. He used to ask me often how had he ever been so lucky as to have me love him. He couldn't understand it, he truly couldn't. And I doubt I ever convinced him that I felt the same way.
His disorder did create some issues in communication, but probably not too much more than *normal* couples (I've never had normal, I've nothing to judge by). I could and did talk to him about everything. He knew my darkest secrets, every skeleton in my closet. He still loved me and it never tainted me in his eyes. I knew his darkest secrets, including that obsession...and it didn't taint him in my eyes, although I wasn't always totally accepting as he was I admit. Fred knew me completely, the only person on the face of the earth who did. We could and did talk about literally everything without fear of the others reaction.
This man respected me completely, opened doors for me, held my hand when we went somewhere, pulled chairs out for me when I wanted to sit down. If I wanted something, he would move heaven and earth to give it to me if it was within his power to do so. He told me he loved me at least 5 times a day for 30 yrs. He never failed to kiss me good night or goodbye. He supported me in anything I really wanted to do.
Fred and I were as much each other as we were our individual selves. So when he suddenly was not there, for a long time, many months it was as if I had walked on with him. I am still not a whole person. I don't know that I will ever be again.
This year has been a journey, for certain. I have nearly drowned in grief and a loss so profound that I simply cannot find words. There have been many many tears. For a woman who does not cry, that is truly something. There has been much rage. I'd say anger, but I'd be lying, it was an all out rage. A rage that often took me by surprise, which is unsettling to someone who learned at a young age to control an exceptionally intense and violent temper. I think for the most part I have worked my way through these two things. Although I hope no one triggers my temper in the near future as I'm not certain of what the result would be. I'm regaining control over it, but every once in a while it just erupts like a volcano on steroids and even I am left with my jaw hanging open doing the holy cow thing.
As you here all know, I dove head first into physical work after Fred's passing. I learned when I lost grandma (who was the center of my universe) that one has to force themselves to continue to live and to keep busy as the grief runs it's course. If Fred's hoarding and the condition of the house/yard had not been so bad, I'd probably had a pretty awesome house/yard by now.....but while I've made enormous progress, there is still MUCH to be done. I also turned to my kids who needed me as much as I needed them. There was a very long time they basically lead me from task to task like a small child. They called me throughout the day and panicked when I didn't answer the phone right away. Now? While we're close and I love talking to them.....at least they've backed off to more normal behavior.
And then of course, I had my board family here who have seen me through every major life crisis for the past 13 yrs or so.
A year later, I still have no clue what life holds in store for me in the future. I still have no sense of "purpose" for the first time in my whole life. Financially, I'm worse off than I have ever been. If I told you......well, we just won't go there. There is far more to this life than money and possessions, and I'm getting a heavy duty refresher course in that. I have learned much about myself over the past year, both good and bad. About the only thing I can say about that is.........I wish the creator in His/Her infinite wisdom.......would bring someone into my life so that I don't endlessly have to be the strong one. It is downright exhausting on all levels. But I doubt that would happen, since it is highly unlikely I'd ever open my heart to another person. So I'm learning to hoover it up and just accept what is and to be ok with it.
Nichole and I took mums she had bought to the cemetery. Fred's parents are buried not far from where he is. We planted two small pretty mums by their marker. mother in law always loved her flowers and father in law enjoyed helping her with them. Nichole had a large mum for her dad. And she kept Oliver from wandering far while I dug the hole.......which took a while as it needed to be deep. The veterans admin sure gave him a lovely marker. And it was terribly difficult to look at it as I dug that hole. As I was placing the mum into the hold I dug I was hit with the profound distinctive aroma of burning sage, it smelled as if someone had place an abalone shell with burning sage in it right under my nose, and I shook my head to get the "smoke" out of my face and blurted out to Nichole," Your dad is here with us right now." And I smiled.
Over the course of the year I have had Fred visit me quite often, or at least I assumed it is him. I've banned bff from the house. I had him visit me the same day he passed to tell me goodbye, and I will treasure that moment the rest of my days. I have felt his hand on my hip as I lay in bed at night several times, just when I needed him near me so desperately. I also have a tv that likes to shut itself off. The very model of tv Fred wanted months before he walked on that I wouldn't let him buy due to the expense. I have watched doors open and close of their own accord. I have seen poor lil Maggie who never knew Fred, scared out of her skin more than once triggering a barking or growling session at an "empty" space. I have seen Molly standing wagging with a grin on her face at the same "empty" space. While I suspect these incidence are also Fred, because I pick up no aroma of my grandfather's pipe, it could also be mother in law.
Annoyed the other day as I watched the living room door yet again close by itself in no breeze whatsoever, I said aloud," Fred, if that is you, I wish you'd come up with something to let me know it's you. I don't mind you all hanging around, I'd just like to know who the heck you are."
So, the sudden strong in your face aroma of burning sage (which for us is highly significant in many ways) as I placed that mum into the ground, I knew beyond a doubt that Fred was there, right next to me as I did it. He had done as I asked and found a way of letting me know when he's near us. But had he done it at any time/place than he chose......I might still not have been certain it was him. And that is why I smiled. It didn't make me sad, it filled my heart with joy.
I have also learned over this past year, that I have pity for those who can't/won't accept that the other side is really right here with us, that only a thin veil separates their reality from ours. Organized religion gives us the impression, if not outright tells us, that heaven is some far off mysterious place, when it's not really. The other side, is just that, the other side. Fred safely made his journey. He is not a lingering spirit. I have always known the other side is actually right "there". But the past 2 yrs that has been reinforced a thousand fold. I don't know the rules over there, won't until I get there. But I've always had a strong sense that their "lives" over there have a purpose, as ours do here, and it's not sitting around playing harps or coming to visit us all day. I realize that some of this belief I have is culture, but I've had ample life experience to reinforce it. I pity those who can't/won't believe that such things are real simply because their minds/hearts are closed to seeing the truth of it, because their pain must be so very much more profound when they lose a loved one.
This will always be a difficult time of year for me. I have lost many loved ones in the month of August. Fred had his massive heart attack the day before our anniversary (Aug 28th), I lost him Sept 12, 2011.
Last year at this time, I did not know how life could go on, nor did I want it to. But life always does go on. And so do we, as each of us have our purpose, even evidently when we have no clue what the hades it happens to be.
I want to thank you all for being here with me, caring about me, listening to my ramblings ect. I don't know what I'd have done without my fabulous board family. I love you all so very much.
((hugs))
It is difficult to think that much time has passed, and for once my faulty memory is not the cause. I can still feel his hand in mine, his gentle touch, his arms around me when I allow myself to do so. I don't often because it makes my heart hurt. I no longer have an overwhelming desire to join him, so I take that as I am healing. The desire is there, I won't lie, but nothing like it was, and since I can't find words adequate enough to describe how that felt, I'm not going to try.
When you take your wedding vows, they say something to the effect of "two united as one" and that was Fred and I in a nutshell. I've had friends, both close and not so close, come and go in my life. But Fred was my closest, best friend for 30 yrs. Other than my grandmother who raised me, I never gave of my heart and soul so utterly completely to another person. Other than my grandmother, he was the only one to earn my complete and utter trust. I knew with everything that I was that this man would never ever do anything to deliberately hurt me. And for someone who spent their childhood severely abused and neglected (except while with grandma)........ Well, I knew that first "date" that Fred and I would spend the rest of our lives together. I knew that God had placed him in my life, at that time, in the way he chose to do it, because He intended us to share our lives together. Fred helped my soul heal from so many horrid atrocities that it would boggle your minds. His love made me whole, a whole person out of a very very broken one.
Having Asperger's, Fred had issues socially and reading social cues. He did not "get" the social thing very well. But this quirk about him, also gave him the ability to give completely of himself emotionally. His love for me was all that mattered to him. And oddly, even though he had an obsession he battled with another woman (started 20 yrs before me), it never wavered his love for me or his children. Unlike most men, the words "I love you" came from his lips often, to me.......and to his children. He always meant it, it was always said with emotion. He used to ask me often how had he ever been so lucky as to have me love him. He couldn't understand it, he truly couldn't. And I doubt I ever convinced him that I felt the same way.
His disorder did create some issues in communication, but probably not too much more than *normal* couples (I've never had normal, I've nothing to judge by). I could and did talk to him about everything. He knew my darkest secrets, every skeleton in my closet. He still loved me and it never tainted me in his eyes. I knew his darkest secrets, including that obsession...and it didn't taint him in my eyes, although I wasn't always totally accepting as he was I admit. Fred knew me completely, the only person on the face of the earth who did. We could and did talk about literally everything without fear of the others reaction.
This man respected me completely, opened doors for me, held my hand when we went somewhere, pulled chairs out for me when I wanted to sit down. If I wanted something, he would move heaven and earth to give it to me if it was within his power to do so. He told me he loved me at least 5 times a day for 30 yrs. He never failed to kiss me good night or goodbye. He supported me in anything I really wanted to do.
Fred and I were as much each other as we were our individual selves. So when he suddenly was not there, for a long time, many months it was as if I had walked on with him. I am still not a whole person. I don't know that I will ever be again.
This year has been a journey, for certain. I have nearly drowned in grief and a loss so profound that I simply cannot find words. There have been many many tears. For a woman who does not cry, that is truly something. There has been much rage. I'd say anger, but I'd be lying, it was an all out rage. A rage that often took me by surprise, which is unsettling to someone who learned at a young age to control an exceptionally intense and violent temper. I think for the most part I have worked my way through these two things. Although I hope no one triggers my temper in the near future as I'm not certain of what the result would be. I'm regaining control over it, but every once in a while it just erupts like a volcano on steroids and even I am left with my jaw hanging open doing the holy cow thing.
As you here all know, I dove head first into physical work after Fred's passing. I learned when I lost grandma (who was the center of my universe) that one has to force themselves to continue to live and to keep busy as the grief runs it's course. If Fred's hoarding and the condition of the house/yard had not been so bad, I'd probably had a pretty awesome house/yard by now.....but while I've made enormous progress, there is still MUCH to be done. I also turned to my kids who needed me as much as I needed them. There was a very long time they basically lead me from task to task like a small child. They called me throughout the day and panicked when I didn't answer the phone right away. Now? While we're close and I love talking to them.....at least they've backed off to more normal behavior.
And then of course, I had my board family here who have seen me through every major life crisis for the past 13 yrs or so.
A year later, I still have no clue what life holds in store for me in the future. I still have no sense of "purpose" for the first time in my whole life. Financially, I'm worse off than I have ever been. If I told you......well, we just won't go there. There is far more to this life than money and possessions, and I'm getting a heavy duty refresher course in that. I have learned much about myself over the past year, both good and bad. About the only thing I can say about that is.........I wish the creator in His/Her infinite wisdom.......would bring someone into my life so that I don't endlessly have to be the strong one. It is downright exhausting on all levels. But I doubt that would happen, since it is highly unlikely I'd ever open my heart to another person. So I'm learning to hoover it up and just accept what is and to be ok with it.
Nichole and I took mums she had bought to the cemetery. Fred's parents are buried not far from where he is. We planted two small pretty mums by their marker. mother in law always loved her flowers and father in law enjoyed helping her with them. Nichole had a large mum for her dad. And she kept Oliver from wandering far while I dug the hole.......which took a while as it needed to be deep. The veterans admin sure gave him a lovely marker. And it was terribly difficult to look at it as I dug that hole. As I was placing the mum into the hold I dug I was hit with the profound distinctive aroma of burning sage, it smelled as if someone had place an abalone shell with burning sage in it right under my nose, and I shook my head to get the "smoke" out of my face and blurted out to Nichole," Your dad is here with us right now." And I smiled.
Over the course of the year I have had Fred visit me quite often, or at least I assumed it is him. I've banned bff from the house. I had him visit me the same day he passed to tell me goodbye, and I will treasure that moment the rest of my days. I have felt his hand on my hip as I lay in bed at night several times, just when I needed him near me so desperately. I also have a tv that likes to shut itself off. The very model of tv Fred wanted months before he walked on that I wouldn't let him buy due to the expense. I have watched doors open and close of their own accord. I have seen poor lil Maggie who never knew Fred, scared out of her skin more than once triggering a barking or growling session at an "empty" space. I have seen Molly standing wagging with a grin on her face at the same "empty" space. While I suspect these incidence are also Fred, because I pick up no aroma of my grandfather's pipe, it could also be mother in law.
Annoyed the other day as I watched the living room door yet again close by itself in no breeze whatsoever, I said aloud," Fred, if that is you, I wish you'd come up with something to let me know it's you. I don't mind you all hanging around, I'd just like to know who the heck you are."
So, the sudden strong in your face aroma of burning sage (which for us is highly significant in many ways) as I placed that mum into the ground, I knew beyond a doubt that Fred was there, right next to me as I did it. He had done as I asked and found a way of letting me know when he's near us. But had he done it at any time/place than he chose......I might still not have been certain it was him. And that is why I smiled. It didn't make me sad, it filled my heart with joy.
I have also learned over this past year, that I have pity for those who can't/won't accept that the other side is really right here with us, that only a thin veil separates their reality from ours. Organized religion gives us the impression, if not outright tells us, that heaven is some far off mysterious place, when it's not really. The other side, is just that, the other side. Fred safely made his journey. He is not a lingering spirit. I have always known the other side is actually right "there". But the past 2 yrs that has been reinforced a thousand fold. I don't know the rules over there, won't until I get there. But I've always had a strong sense that their "lives" over there have a purpose, as ours do here, and it's not sitting around playing harps or coming to visit us all day. I realize that some of this belief I have is culture, but I've had ample life experience to reinforce it. I pity those who can't/won't believe that such things are real simply because their minds/hearts are closed to seeing the truth of it, because their pain must be so very much more profound when they lose a loved one.
This will always be a difficult time of year for me. I have lost many loved ones in the month of August. Fred had his massive heart attack the day before our anniversary (Aug 28th), I lost him Sept 12, 2011.
Last year at this time, I did not know how life could go on, nor did I want it to. But life always does go on. And so do we, as each of us have our purpose, even evidently when we have no clue what the hades it happens to be.
I want to thank you all for being here with me, caring about me, listening to my ramblings ect. I don't know what I'd have done without my fabulous board family. I love you all so very much.
((hugs))
you, my dear, are an awesome woman. (Which of course is WHY he picked you, ya know.)
