That's it, husband quit, left last night..

[SearchingForRainbows]

I can't think of anything to add to what has already been said except to let you know that while my husband and I are still together (finally happily together, long story...), there were many years when I thought we were going to end up divorced. I honestly think that for awhile, the only thing that kept my husband from walking out on me and the kids was the fact he was over the top concerned what everyone would think if he slammed that door behind him, never came back. I also thought of leaving more times then I can count, but for a variety of reasons, decided to stick it out.

From what you've written, I agree with the others that your H is most likely a difficult child. As one member told me (what seems like a lifetime ago!) when I was venting about my husband, is that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." So true! I think Step said it best when she said " he could fix a wall by painting the whole thing - but he cannot change his son - and that would be the ultimate frustration!" I think this was one of the biggest issues with my husband too.

It's time for you to take a deep breath, relax, discover all the parts of yourself you had to bury while trying to keep the peace living with a grown difficult child who didn't deserve you!!

Many hugs as you begin a brand new chapter in your life... SFR

 

[TeDo]

With that extra information, the overall theme is that he gets rid of anything that is "damaged" even a little bit, he throws it out. Even the smallest imperfection drives him so crazy that he has to totally get rid of it. His son is "damaged" so he needs to be thrown out. How sad for your difficult child. And sad for you.

More supportive ((((HUGS)))) to you both.

 

[buddy]

I'm a single mom too....with a son with seizures and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I chose it so the heartbreak and anger/fristration is not something I've lived and can only.imagine. He does sound almost unable to get it due to his own Wiring . That said, as a daughter of divorce and a sister and friend......the dad's in my life have mostly ended up having to step up MORE and learn more.....yours may be limited I realize but there's a chance that even for your others at least he may do better after needing to do it all himself if they spend days with him.
That takes time, but right away you will not have the stress of negotiations about what's best for your son. You have great instincts for what power struggles are needed and what are not! The level of stress goes down and the level of behaviors go down in my house, I sure hope thats true for you too. It is doable, hoping you will receive financial support and breaks when the kids go to dad's house....(my sister worked hard to let go of worries and enjoy especially the break from her adhd son's issues). I wonder if he thinks hes not.going to have to do any shared parenting???---good luck with that buddyboy.

Its not easy of course, but you can do this and we r here for you.

 

[paperplate]

recoveringenabler~ ROFL....That's too true and too funny. I'm wearing those fuzzy slippers right now. My son is spent the night at Grammies. He was bummed. He'd over heard the comment my husband made about 'get rid of that kid'. It hurt him. He needed a quiet day with grammy. Grammies make everything better. I also needed a day to just relax. My other 2 (8&11) are at school & I've got a lot to do. Unfortunately I didn't sleep at all last night, so my 2nd day as a single mom has been spent on the couch. I'm not depressed, just relieved in an odd way. Kind of like I could sleep for a year, haven't slept much the past few years. I guess my plan is child support first. I've been at home soooooo long and literally have no form of savings. All the money is in the house and the constant upgrades. It's nerve wracking! I literally drained my saving a month ago to pay for some special glasses for my son. husband didn't have the cash thanks to putting tinted windows on a sports car he just HAD to have. Speaking of cars, a few days ago, we went to a Market about an hour away. On the way there, with 3 kids in the car, husband found a spot on his steering wheel. He actually decided at that moment, he simply couldn't take it, we veered off course, drove to the factory and ordered a REPLACEMENT STEERING WHEEL RIGHT THEN! 3 kids in the car intent on going to this market and we were stuck sitting in a car dealership because daddy hates SPOTS!!! OMG! My problem now is, I'm just sooooo used to that mentality, I'm afraid I'll never learn to lighten up again! husband doesn't like noise. AT ALL! Didn't like the kids playing in the yard either because he said it would ruin the grass. So naturally a bunch of kids bottled up in the house = noise....you can imagine how well that went. I'm not upset that he's gone....I'm honestly just praying he doesn't try to come back. He sucks the life out of us, I need my children, especially my 13 yr old to lighten up and crack a smile. He's truly an amazing kid. He can light up a room & it's horrifying he had to hear his dad's comments yesterday. I even had his bedroom door closed, I thought he was sleeping. I guess it's just another crappy feeling he'll have to discuss with his therapist. I'm not sure what time he's coming home today, but I'm trying to think of something 'messy' we can all do. I seriously want to purposely make a mess and just enjoy the moment. oh...and my towels r still in the dryer

 

[Californiablonde]

I am a single mom and have been so for the last seven years. My ex left because he could no longer tolerate difficult child. He told me he hated her and he had to leave. This was before we found the right medications and she was stable. He left me and married another woman. I can honestly say, even after the years of hurt my son and daughter had to endure, I am better off for it. Good riddance. I no longer have to battle with him on how to parent our two difficult children. I no longer have to listen to him tell my daughter she is a mental case and telling me he hated her right in front of her. I no longer have to put up with him belittling and yelling at my son for crying when he gets hurt. Life is a lot less stressful without him here. From what I've read about you so far, you seem like a fighter. You will get through this. Big (((hugs)))

 

[HaoZi]

FINGERPAINTING TIME! It would be a GREAT time to get everyone's handprints on one piece of artwork to celebrate a new beginning. And then cut loose and have fun. See if your local newspaper has an endroll paper you can have for some BIG paper to play with.

ETA: And you know what's great for cleaning up the counter with afterwards? Shaving cream! That cheap creamy foamy shaving cream. Let 'em make a mess with it all over the areas of the counter that need cleaning.

 

[recoveringenabler]

PP. I'm glad your towels are still in the dryer, no one should have to live the way you have lived, that level of control is beyond controlling behavior, it's abusive. I'm sorry. With some time and some help you and the kids will lighten up.

I just had one thought about your post, and that is, if he decides he wants to come back, please be aware that you have power here, he isn't the president of the Universe, dictating what he wants and everyone jumps, you can get yourself an attorney (quickly I might add) and decide YOU don't want HIM back and take it from there. Kids are resilient, although that comment has got to hurt, with your honesty and love, he will mend. It's good he has a therapist and he has YOU.

Control does suck all the life out.............he did that to all of you for so long you've forgotten what it's like to be free and easy and to not live in the anxiety of trying to be perfect. That is a terrible fate and I for one, am glad he left so you can bring back the joy of laughter, the comfort and ease of relaxation and the knowledge that there is no perfection in the world, only perfect love, which you have with your 3 kids. Go enjoy your life, you deserve it. But, also get your ducks in order, financially and to protect your 13 year old from your ex's behavior towards him. HUGS to you mom, you've been in a battle, but you're out of the war now, go party down with some girlfriends and celebrate!

 

[Bunny]

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your husband left like this. I know how hard having a difficult child kid can be on a marriage.

 

[AnnieO]

TAG. Is it warm enough to go outside? Play tag with all the kids and Mom? On the GRASS?!

Sorry, I'm a little passive-aggressive when it comes to this stuff, but seriously, kids need the outdoors, and with the upheaval they (and you) probably need a way to release tension. Tag is FUN.

 

[HaoZi]

My boyfriend and kiddo suggest paintball and confetti guns and this flubbery stuff made of 2 parts cornstarch to one part water.

 

[cubsgirl]

ugh- I typed out a reply and it got lost in cyberspace. I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and I'm glad that you feel relieved. Please get an attorney ASAP to help sort out custody and child support issues!

 

[TerryJ2]

I love the ideas here! Yes, fingerpainting and shaving cream cleanup! If your husband walks in and sees that, he'll turn right around and walk back out. But of course, you'd be doing it for fun, spontaneity, and family time, not to spite him. Still, it crossed my mind.
I can't believe he had to pull over and order a steering wheel. OMG, he is seriously Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I'm so sorry. Get some sleep tonight and call an atty in the a.m.
BRAVO! Stay strong.

 

[paperplate]

Thanks everyone. husband did call this morning, and thankfully it was just to say he 'gets it'. It's over, there's no going back. I'm just hoping he stays that way. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm still have trouble lightening up. I have to force my shoulders to relax everyday at 2pm. That was what time he came home from work and I just knew he'd find something out of place or wrong. The kids on the other hand are doing great. My daughter accidently spilled her drink last night & for the first time in recorded history, she didn't apologize. She simply cleaned it up. Usually we would both be bracing for the string of insults. It's like we can all just breath! I need to change the locks, but in the meantime, I've been disabling the garage door via the electric box in the basement. I just need to make it VERY clear, he cannot come back. I'm looking forward to the future. It's kinda weird though. We went out the other night, just to Walgreens and I didn't have to explain where I was going, what I was buying or have to bring home a receipt. It was such a simple act that the rest of the world takes for granted, but it was amazing. I just have to keep on, and hopefully earn back some respect from my son. For years he's watched as I was treated like an incompetent idiot who had to beg for 1$. He never asked ME for anything, he'd say "Mom, can you ask dad for 1$?" The issue now, is how do I get him to see me as the authority? My plans for today are the child support enforcement agency and assistance obtaining a lawyer. psychiatric called yesterday and I let them know what was going on. Hopefully they can connect me with more resources. When it rains it pours, now that everything is out in the open, I'm solace in the fact that there's no way back. Too many people are involved to let that happen. And I'm not the least bit upset about....I'm trying to figure out what the heck I was so afraid of? I just didn't want everyone seeing how dysfunctional our lives were or to have them judging....but they're not judging at all, they're simply trying help. I never thought I'd be thrilled to have shrinks and teachers calling to check on us everyday, but I honestly am. I look forward to their calls. I'm guessing they'll call again. We have to get my son back in school. Home-instruction isn't going to work. I need to start working again and I can't wait. I'm so sick of being stuck in this box!

 

[HaoZi]

Oh that cheap shaving cream that's great for cleaning counter tops and tables? Couldn't think of the name of it at the time but it's Barbasol. Any time you feel like letting the kids use a messy method to clean, it's great for that. You just get into and play, fingerpainting around with it until the surface is clean then wipe with a clean damp cloth.

ETA: I wouldn't try it on wood, but great on other surfaces.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hang in there PP, you're doing great. You're getting yourself a good support system. What happened to you can happen to many of us, it happens over a very long period of time, you slowly give over your power to another. Your husband was an abuser and abusers know how to manipulate and control and it happens slowly.

Concentrate on the fact that you are now FREE, you can learn to take your power back and gain the control of your life. Your son will witness you doing this and he will understand your commitment to yourself and what it took for you to emerge out of that control. You're doing a good job, just keep moving forward learning to trust yourself again. You've got the help you need. Take it one step at a time. The truth being out in the open is a wonderful, liberating experience. There is work to do, but you have the courage and the strength to do it now. I applaud you for doing all that you are doing. Pat yourself on the back for seeing the truth now. This is the beginning of YOUR life now, you're young, healthy and you've got the will and the support to go do anything you want to do, go out there and have your wonderful life!