My dad HATES to be late. Not so much because you miss things as because people turn and look at you as you walk in late. He will not eat at one of my fave restaurants because is has very little seating (is in an old train car turned into a diner) and people just stand at the door waiting for seats. He won't eat if someone is standing there watching him. Not ever for any reason.
As I kid I learned how to use this. Bro and I were SILENT on Sunday mornings. If we fought or played loudly and woke Dad us, we had to go to mass. We were in Catholic school and felt one mass a week was more than plenty. Dad wasn't exactly a practicing Catholic, though we were raised Catholic because his mom would have had a stroke if we were not (our mom isn't/wasn't Catholic). My folks had it worked out that mom did mornings on Sat and Dad did them on Sun. So Sun am? SILENCE until at least ten forty five. Dad needed at least fifteen min to get ready and it took five min to get to church. If the processional music was playing when he hit the doors, we turned and left. With last mass at eleven, we were quiet no matter WHAT until ten forty five because he wouldn't even bother to get ready then. I was better at quiet than bro, and would threaten to be loud if he didn't do what I wanted (he hated mass, I merely thought it was boring).
If I really wanted to do something, and my dad was involved, I got my koi together and his too if needed. Otherwise, chances were I would miss it because if we were late it was not happening.
in my opinion you need to start some of this with her. If she is late for anything, she doesn't go. Period. Except school. Late for school? make mom late for work or something mom values? You lose two things that you really like or that really matter. As she fusses about letting a team down or missing something, you say, well, if you didn't make me late then you would go, wouldn't you?
It isn't going to be easy or fun. She is going to have more fits than you want to deal with. But the ONLY way to get this under control is to start doing what I recommend or something similar. Figure out her currency, what really MATTERS to her, and use it. This is a life lesson because no boss is EVER going to put up with this. Maybe with fewer things to do she will cope better and be less bullheaded. Just refuse to take her if she won't be on time, period. And if she isn't' on time for the bare min of school and things that would make you late? Take away what she really truly loves until she gets the point.
Often the hardest part of parenting is out-stubborning someone you love so much so that they can stop shooting themselves in their feet.
I do thnk if you can use a written checklist or text message or other way, it is a good idea. I think you need to combine that with an absolute refusal to be late to the extra things. By combining them, maybe you will get somewhere. If just a list worked, that is awesome. But there needs to be some way to make her pay attention to the things that matter to you. Whatever method you choose will not be easy. Some of this is partly being an only child, in my opinion. When you have more than one child, each child hears "just do it now or you won' get to because this X of your sibs is going to happen NOW whether you like it or not" and when you only have one child you let a lot of things slide that with two or more kids you just cannot let slide. It is what it is and that isn't good or bad. THere are benefits to only having one child rather than two or three also. You just have to figure out how to make natural consequences work.
personally? what would happen if you just left Duckie at home one day to figure out how to walk to school and explain her absence to the school with-o you to tell them she is late or whatever? I know for a FACT that my mother would drive off and leave me if I made her late on a reg basis. She would figure if I was old enough to make the choice to not get ready then I was old enough to make the choice to explain my actions to the school, to get myself there (pay a taxi with my own money if I called one - no way would I get paid back for that in this lifetime or any other, not with my folks!), or to call in and tell them why I am not coming and no, she would not call and explain my absence or excuse it later either. I was eight or nine when she started this, and it did change how I acted. Considering I had to cross one of the busiest intersections in all of Cincinnati to get to school, and that if she left me at home I had to walk, it took some courage on her part the first couple of times. it did get through to me like nothing else though.
She can only make you late if you allow it. she can make HERSELF late, and in my opinion if she is late you should just refuse to take her. Let her explain it to her team, it isn't your problem to explain. Put the time to leave down on paper, a list of what she needs to do and when to start to get ready, and if she isn't ready to leave? You don't take her. period. Do the same for mornings. Put up the list, with times to do things, and if she isn't ready to leave? Well, not your problem. You go to work. she can call school and tell them she won't be in, she can tell htem she will be late. she can pay a taxi with her own money or walk or see if a friend can give her a ride, or she can stay home and deal with an unexcused absence. A few unexcused absences will not keep her out of all good colleges (none will care if she had unexcused absences before high school, or often even then. I knwo I had huge scholarships and they never once looked at my attendance records, ditto Wiz a few yrs ago and a friend's kid last year) will not ruin her education, and just might teach ehr something about being on time.
in my opinion the second she starts that super slow down the stairs thing, i would go get in the car and drive off. maybe that is why my kids didn't try that one, cause they tried plenty of other stuff. Even J's friend who does that koi to her mom never pulled it on me. I saw it once, said "Bye, we are gone, I dont' play with this nonsense" and I walked out. She was out of the house before I got to my car and was shocked that I refused to let her in until she apologized to her mother and to me. just speeding up isn't an apology and I know her mom never made her apologize for anything. I don't play that game and she knew it (she was the troublemaker in my girl scout troop until she learned that the rest of us would go and have fun while she refused or pouted or cried and we didn't stop and 'poor baby, oh, I was so mean to you" when we saw her acting upset.
I might, maybe, every second or fifth time, go back and see if she was ready after I went around the block, but if she wasn't standing outside super apologetic and ready to leave after I went around the block? I would leave and not go back to give her a ride. Sure, she will be angry and upset, but you are already angry and upset. Why should her actions dictate that you be that way? let them mean that SHE is that way if she wants to be.
Days seh pulls that slow koi, she would be going home and doing chores instead of after school activities also. in my opinion that IS a natural consequence. If you cannot get ready for school on time, you cannot go to after school stuff, period. Instead, that 'free time' can be used for chores because you make ME so late and you cost me so much energy that I simply cannot do the things I usually do. So you have to make up that energy by doing my chores. This, in fact, is pure love and logic and it WORKS. Esp if you lie on the couch moaning about how exhausted you are and you can't "insert chore here".
I strongly recommend getting a copy of Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic and reading it fast and often. You are going to NEED it cause it doesn't get easier from here for a long time.
