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The adult child who left is back...sort of...
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 615443" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Don't remove S from your friend list unless he gives you an actual reason to do so. His heart may be softening (even if he is not realizing it himself yet) and you're leaving the door open a crack. I say may instead of Is because at this point it is impossible to tell. </p><p></p><p>S has some major issues, perhaps mental illness. I'm not thinking so much mental illness as I am some serious issues. </p><p></p><p>I don't know how much you were told about his history prior to the adoption, or how truthful that history actually was. Their culture/society is not set up like ours. But he behaves like a person with a serious identity crisis. From the outside it appears, due to his behavior, that he seems to need to be accepted /surrounded by his culture of origin. I know many people believe that 5 yr olds don't remember much of anything, let alone at earlier ages. This ability depends on the child and circumstances. (I have quite a lot of vivid memories prior to age 3 even) I am fairly certain S remembers much of his time in China, whether he admits it or not. His behavior suggests strongly that he feels betrayed by his culture / society of origin having been adopted outside the country by people not of his race. It doesn't matter that you loved him and did your best to give him a happy childhood and opportunity to succeed. Actually, that might have made the "betrayal" worse because his own culture / society could not / did not give him those things. His drive to be successful and wealthy likely stems from having been homeless and unwanted during his time in China......coupled with the need to prove he doesn't "need" his American family. </p><p></p><p>There are likely more issues going on, but these are the ones that jump out at me whenever you post about him. I think his behavior has very little to do with you personally at all. </p><p></p><p>However, usually with becoming a parent......there comes an added maturity and a different way of viewing the past. (as we all know) The above way of thinking, or reaction to his circumstances, is an immature one. Reasonable to some extent, but still very immature black and white type thinking. Being a parent himself, as well as associating with other people outside of the family for a number of years might be giving him a new perspective of his past, as well as the childhood & love your family gave to him over the years. While he still may feel betrayed with a strong need to belong to his culture of origin, he may be rethinking what he believed your role in that betrayal actually was..... (child mindset, keep in mind) He just might be on the brink of realizing that he can immerse himself in his culture of origin and still appreciate and have a relationship with the family who loved and raised him. The latter can be a tough hurdle for someone who has obviously harbored deep anger and resentment toward and appointed scapegoat (you/the family). S has tried time and again to push you away. Yet, like any mother, you're never really gone. For a man that feels betrayed and abandoned by his Chinese family / culture / society, that is having a far greater impact on him than you could imagine. </p><p></p><p>His allowing you to friend him on fb ect reveals that there is a teeny crack in his armor.</p><p></p><p>S may not ever make that hurdle. He may find it easier to push aside dealing with his past and his child mindset of events and continue as he has. S has to deal and sort out his past and the issues it created on his own. it isn't something anyone else can do for him. To deal with his past, he must also admit to himself that his warped thinking caused him to hurt/wrong people that he actually does care a great deal for. That may prove to be the toughest part for him, one he may never be able to do. But you're giving him the opportunity to work through it and heal.....while knowing that you're still there, regardless, loving him. </p><p></p><p>This is why I said don't unfriend him. Leave that crack open unless he does/says something to give you good reason to close it. Don't make it more than it is. Just keep right on being his mom. I know that even though you've detached from him, it hurts deep inside knowing you have to remain guarded and keep it distant. But you're still <strong>there</strong>, and that is what counts in his heart. </p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 615443, member: 84"] Don't remove S from your friend list unless he gives you an actual reason to do so. His heart may be softening (even if he is not realizing it himself yet) and you're leaving the door open a crack. I say may instead of Is because at this point it is impossible to tell. S has some major issues, perhaps mental illness. I'm not thinking so much mental illness as I am some serious issues. I don't know how much you were told about his history prior to the adoption, or how truthful that history actually was. Their culture/society is not set up like ours. But he behaves like a person with a serious identity crisis. From the outside it appears, due to his behavior, that he seems to need to be accepted /surrounded by his culture of origin. I know many people believe that 5 yr olds don't remember much of anything, let alone at earlier ages. This ability depends on the child and circumstances. (I have quite a lot of vivid memories prior to age 3 even) I am fairly certain S remembers much of his time in China, whether he admits it or not. His behavior suggests strongly that he feels betrayed by his culture / society of origin having been adopted outside the country by people not of his race. It doesn't matter that you loved him and did your best to give him a happy childhood and opportunity to succeed. Actually, that might have made the "betrayal" worse because his own culture / society could not / did not give him those things. His drive to be successful and wealthy likely stems from having been homeless and unwanted during his time in China......coupled with the need to prove he doesn't "need" his American family. There are likely more issues going on, but these are the ones that jump out at me whenever you post about him. I think his behavior has very little to do with you personally at all. However, usually with becoming a parent......there comes an added maturity and a different way of viewing the past. (as we all know) The above way of thinking, or reaction to his circumstances, is an immature one. Reasonable to some extent, but still very immature black and white type thinking. Being a parent himself, as well as associating with other people outside of the family for a number of years might be giving him a new perspective of his past, as well as the childhood & love your family gave to him over the years. While he still may feel betrayed with a strong need to belong to his culture of origin, he may be rethinking what he believed your role in that betrayal actually was..... (child mindset, keep in mind) He just might be on the brink of realizing that he can immerse himself in his culture of origin and still appreciate and have a relationship with the family who loved and raised him. The latter can be a tough hurdle for someone who has obviously harbored deep anger and resentment toward and appointed scapegoat (you/the family). S has tried time and again to push you away. Yet, like any mother, you're never really gone. For a man that feels betrayed and abandoned by his Chinese family / culture / society, that is having a far greater impact on him than you could imagine. His allowing you to friend him on fb ect reveals that there is a teeny crack in his armor. S may not ever make that hurdle. He may find it easier to push aside dealing with his past and his child mindset of events and continue as he has. S has to deal and sort out his past and the issues it created on his own. it isn't something anyone else can do for him. To deal with his past, he must also admit to himself that his warped thinking caused him to hurt/wrong people that he actually does care a great deal for. That may prove to be the toughest part for him, one he may never be able to do. But you're giving him the opportunity to work through it and heal.....while knowing that you're still there, regardless, loving him. This is why I said don't unfriend him. Leave that crack open unless he does/says something to give you good reason to close it. Don't make it more than it is. Just keep right on being his mom. I know that even though you've detached from him, it hurts deep inside knowing you have to remain guarded and keep it distant. But you're still [B]there[/B], and that is what counts in his heart. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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The adult child who left is back...sort of...
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