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The Angry Phase?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 652014" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>You are doing a GREAT job!</p><p></p><p>Yes, absolutely block her number, as you have done. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Been there. And...you have the power. YOu are away. You have blocked her number. You can make it so she has to leave you alone. The only way she can bother you is...if you let her.</p><p></p><p>Of course if she is like the rest of our kids she'll call you from another number but....you can deal with that when it happens. In fact....let that anger ride with it. If she uses another number to get through,what does that say? It says she does not respect your choices. Her need to HARASS you, which is what she is doing, is higher than your right to a break, in her mind. Remember that. She is harassing you.</p><p></p><p>She will contact you less as you make yourself less available. Even responding to say "we've been through this before, I won't give you money" is some kind of feedback and stimulation to her that will keep her going. Its like we were taught when they were little. even angry attention is attention, and some of our kids are happy to make us angry to get some attention. She likes to poke you. SHe is accustomed to it as a stress reliever for her. Make a sign "DONT POKE THE BEAR." and stick it to your phone. She has no right to treat you this way </p><p></p><p>And...ditch the GPS. You already know she is lying. What she is doing with her days and nights and where she is staying and how she is paying for it? she has made it clear that you have no input into that. Listen to her. </p><p></p><p>And..the anger...I remember that in disengaging, detaching, I would take these big steps (I told him no! I blocked his phone! I didn't bail him out!) and feel at some subconscious level like I SHOULD BE REWARDED. And my reward should be that HE WOULD CHANGE. He would see. He would magically "get it" or at least a little of it, because I was now handling things so well.</p><p></p><p>Not. </p><p></p><p>That is not a thing.</p><p></p><p>All that you get out of handling it well is control and joy in your own life. If MAY teach them, over a long time, to manage their own affairs, but it may not. It seemed to galvanize COM's son into taking some responsibility. My son, on the other hand, is in prison now. </p><p></p><p>All I got out of disengaging/detaching is the fact that his series of choices that lead him to prison has little to do with me. I am not scrabbling for advice and lawyers. I am not renting a car (I don't own one) and taking time from work to drive up and visit him (visiting hours if your last name ends in F are Tuesday from 10-3:30. How's that grab ya? talk about no rights...). I did wobble, but I didn't fall. It is HIS life. HIS prison sentence. I am OK. Thats what I got from detaching, and it is a lot.</p><p></p><p>And I second what Recovering said on a different post...when I spent all my time arranging therapy and doctors appts and caseworkers and finding 12 step programs and getting him rides...he was dismissive. Now, if I accept a call from him, he thanks me for being supportive. When you give only what feels right to you it is better. Right now you are burnt out and have no give in you. Thats fine. Honor that. Block that phone. YOu go girl</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 652014, member: 17269"] You are doing a GREAT job! Yes, absolutely block her number, as you have done. Been there. And...you have the power. YOu are away. You have blocked her number. You can make it so she has to leave you alone. The only way she can bother you is...if you let her. Of course if she is like the rest of our kids she'll call you from another number but....you can deal with that when it happens. In fact....let that anger ride with it. If she uses another number to get through,what does that say? It says she does not respect your choices. Her need to HARASS you, which is what she is doing, is higher than your right to a break, in her mind. Remember that. She is harassing you. She will contact you less as you make yourself less available. Even responding to say "we've been through this before, I won't give you money" is some kind of feedback and stimulation to her that will keep her going. Its like we were taught when they were little. even angry attention is attention, and some of our kids are happy to make us angry to get some attention. She likes to poke you. SHe is accustomed to it as a stress reliever for her. Make a sign "DONT POKE THE BEAR." and stick it to your phone. She has no right to treat you this way And...ditch the GPS. You already know she is lying. What she is doing with her days and nights and where she is staying and how she is paying for it? she has made it clear that you have no input into that. Listen to her. And..the anger...I remember that in disengaging, detaching, I would take these big steps (I told him no! I blocked his phone! I didn't bail him out!) and feel at some subconscious level like I SHOULD BE REWARDED. And my reward should be that HE WOULD CHANGE. He would see. He would magically "get it" or at least a little of it, because I was now handling things so well. Not. That is not a thing. All that you get out of handling it well is control and joy in your own life. If MAY teach them, over a long time, to manage their own affairs, but it may not. It seemed to galvanize COM's son into taking some responsibility. My son, on the other hand, is in prison now. All I got out of disengaging/detaching is the fact that his series of choices that lead him to prison has little to do with me. I am not scrabbling for advice and lawyers. I am not renting a car (I don't own one) and taking time from work to drive up and visit him (visiting hours if your last name ends in F are Tuesday from 10-3:30. How's that grab ya? talk about no rights...). I did wobble, but I didn't fall. It is HIS life. HIS prison sentence. I am OK. Thats what I got from detaching, and it is a lot. And I second what Recovering said on a different post...when I spent all my time arranging therapy and doctors appts and caseworkers and finding 12 step programs and getting him rides...he was dismissive. Now, if I accept a call from him, he thanks me for being supportive. When you give only what feels right to you it is better. Right now you are burnt out and have no give in you. Thats fine. Honor that. Block that phone. YOu go girl Echo [/QUOTE]
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