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The autism rears it's ugly head at get together last night
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 287627" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Just a thought on adults on the spectrum - a friend of ours (we're fairly sure he's Aspie) split up with his wife (also a good friend of ours). He was miserable for months, still at his wife's beck and call for free babysitting. She got the house, she got the kids, she registered for child support (state paid) but still got maintenance from her husband, plus the free babysitting. She was working part-time and getting her husband to come to their home (which she now shared with her new boyfriend) to mind the kids free of charge while sheearned money under the table. She also registered for childcare subsidy - I was disgusted with her. All the subsidies she claimed and she used her ex to babysit so he could have access on those days.</p><p></p><p>But I digress - he saw his kids several times a week, he worked weird shifts (his choice, it kept him away from people). But he was lonely, even though he avoided people. He worked with computers, he was very much in demand as a trouble-shooter.</p><p></p><p>Christmas came. His ex had decided to go for a holiday with the kids and new partner, He didn't want to be on his own, but didn;'t want to be sociable. So he rang us - could he come and visit but would we leave him alone and just shove food at him now and then? He didn't want to be any trouble...</p><p></p><p>So he came to stay for a week. He brought his computer (this was pre-laptop days, he brought a big crate into the house and took over the dining table). And he spent much of his time on the computer, keying stuff in and generally being on his own but in the midst of whatever we had going on. We had our (very young and only three) kids in the house, friends dropped in from time to time and still our friend sat at the dining table, tuned out but still with people around so he didn't feel too lonely. We just lived our lives around him and shoved food at him at mealtimes.</p><p></p><p>He came through it. It took quite some time, but I'd like to think we were part of the process.</p><p></p><p>This isn't what I would recommend for most people, but for our friend, it was clearly exactly what he needed. By being around our family he had a sense of normality imposed on him but he didn't have to interact except when he was ready.</p><p></p><p>I'm convinced he's Aspie. He trained as a teacher but failed miserably at it, got thrown out because he just couldn't cope with working on a team and also working with kids. So he got into IT on the ground floor and was brilliant at it. After a few years (and after his divorce) he got into the habit of working long night shifts (of whenever he wanted to) for six months, then travelling the world for six months simply because he had amassed so much money. Then he would come home and go back to work. About ten years later his wife couldn't cope with their youngest child so she was packed off to live with Daddy, who clearly understood her better. By this time he had remarried - a woman who seems to cope with his quiet times much better than his first wife ever did.</p><p></p><p>There is always hope for our Aspies. difficult child 1 is married (although I still worry about him, he and daughter in law still have a lot of growing up to do). They are slower to 'get there' but will continue to develop even after other kids their age are living independently and fully functioning.</p><p></p><p>I look back through my family and I can see unvcles who were odd, probably Aspie. One uncle was a diagnosed epileptic; his immaturity was ascribed to the epilepsy. I adored tis uncle because he had a childlike capacity for joy; he was 80 and stayed with us by the beach and wanted to learn to body-surf so borrowed my boogie board. It was like watching a rat trying to drown itself, but he kept dragging himself out of the surf, grabbing the board and heading back in to catch another wave (or get dumped). He would get obsessed with a hobby and follow it for years, becoming incredibly good at it, unbelievably so. He was an artist who specialised in a particularly unusual medium - Australian native plants. Not painting them, but painting WITH them. He won shows, exhibited around the country. His son was a national expert on native plants and has written a lot of books on the topic. But his son always worried about his dad and felt he needed to be looked after. The touch of genius that you get in families of spectrum people was definitely there in the son. And in cousins. The family musical genius was another cousin on the same side of the family. </p><p></p><p>They functioned. My uncle was married for over 50 years until his wife died. She harried him a lot but he was intensely loyal to her. He seemed to become odder after she died, as if she had held him in check a great deal. </p><p>My genius (probable Aspie) cousin was married but to a very odd woman who he later divorced. He needed a carer, basically. As a kid his father chaperoned him and supervised his career - a lot like David Helfgott but not quite so obviously odd.</p><p></p><p>Our kids do need carers in their lives, but the extent varies and often a carer can be disguised as a lfe partner.</p><p></p><p>It is our ambition as parents, to see our kids grow up to be happy, functioning, productive and independent. Everything we do is heading them in that direction. We can do it. So can they. But they may always need a little bit of help.</p><p></p><p>Read Temple Grandin's books. As a child she was even more obviously autistic than difficult child 3 (which is saying something). But look how far she has come! She gives me hope.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 287627, member: 1991"] Just a thought on adults on the spectrum - a friend of ours (we're fairly sure he's Aspie) split up with his wife (also a good friend of ours). He was miserable for months, still at his wife's beck and call for free babysitting. She got the house, she got the kids, she registered for child support (state paid) but still got maintenance from her husband, plus the free babysitting. She was working part-time and getting her husband to come to their home (which she now shared with her new boyfriend) to mind the kids free of charge while sheearned money under the table. She also registered for childcare subsidy - I was disgusted with her. All the subsidies she claimed and she used her ex to babysit so he could have access on those days. But I digress - he saw his kids several times a week, he worked weird shifts (his choice, it kept him away from people). But he was lonely, even though he avoided people. He worked with computers, he was very much in demand as a trouble-shooter. Christmas came. His ex had decided to go for a holiday with the kids and new partner, He didn't want to be on his own, but didn;'t want to be sociable. So he rang us - could he come and visit but would we leave him alone and just shove food at him now and then? He didn't want to be any trouble... So he came to stay for a week. He brought his computer (this was pre-laptop days, he brought a big crate into the house and took over the dining table). And he spent much of his time on the computer, keying stuff in and generally being on his own but in the midst of whatever we had going on. We had our (very young and only three) kids in the house, friends dropped in from time to time and still our friend sat at the dining table, tuned out but still with people around so he didn't feel too lonely. We just lived our lives around him and shoved food at him at mealtimes. He came through it. It took quite some time, but I'd like to think we were part of the process. This isn't what I would recommend for most people, but for our friend, it was clearly exactly what he needed. By being around our family he had a sense of normality imposed on him but he didn't have to interact except when he was ready. I'm convinced he's Aspie. He trained as a teacher but failed miserably at it, got thrown out because he just couldn't cope with working on a team and also working with kids. So he got into IT on the ground floor and was brilliant at it. After a few years (and after his divorce) he got into the habit of working long night shifts (of whenever he wanted to) for six months, then travelling the world for six months simply because he had amassed so much money. Then he would come home and go back to work. About ten years later his wife couldn't cope with their youngest child so she was packed off to live with Daddy, who clearly understood her better. By this time he had remarried - a woman who seems to cope with his quiet times much better than his first wife ever did. There is always hope for our Aspies. difficult child 1 is married (although I still worry about him, he and daughter in law still have a lot of growing up to do). They are slower to 'get there' but will continue to develop even after other kids their age are living independently and fully functioning. I look back through my family and I can see unvcles who were odd, probably Aspie. One uncle was a diagnosed epileptic; his immaturity was ascribed to the epilepsy. I adored tis uncle because he had a childlike capacity for joy; he was 80 and stayed with us by the beach and wanted to learn to body-surf so borrowed my boogie board. It was like watching a rat trying to drown itself, but he kept dragging himself out of the surf, grabbing the board and heading back in to catch another wave (or get dumped). He would get obsessed with a hobby and follow it for years, becoming incredibly good at it, unbelievably so. He was an artist who specialised in a particularly unusual medium - Australian native plants. Not painting them, but painting WITH them. He won shows, exhibited around the country. His son was a national expert on native plants and has written a lot of books on the topic. But his son always worried about his dad and felt he needed to be looked after. The touch of genius that you get in families of spectrum people was definitely there in the son. And in cousins. The family musical genius was another cousin on the same side of the family. They functioned. My uncle was married for over 50 years until his wife died. She harried him a lot but he was intensely loyal to her. He seemed to become odder after she died, as if she had held him in check a great deal. My genius (probable Aspie) cousin was married but to a very odd woman who he later divorced. He needed a carer, basically. As a kid his father chaperoned him and supervised his career - a lot like David Helfgott but not quite so obviously odd. Our kids do need carers in their lives, but the extent varies and often a carer can be disguised as a lfe partner. It is our ambition as parents, to see our kids grow up to be happy, functioning, productive and independent. Everything we do is heading them in that direction. We can do it. So can they. But they may always need a little bit of help. Read Temple Grandin's books. As a child she was even more obviously autistic than difficult child 3 (which is saying something). But look how far she has come! She gives me hope. Marg [/QUOTE]
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