The back half of rehab....sigh

[AmericanGirl]

difficult child has completed 18 days of a 28 day in patient rehab program. I wish they would keep him until he turned 30. Am dreading his release.

He asked me to come over yesterday to visit from 1-5. By 3pm he wanted to go smoke and he couldn't unless I left so he asked me to leave. I drove almost 100 miles one way to see him.

In some ways, he is doing well. In others, he has miles to go.

Examples:

1. On the phone last week, I mentioned I bought him a gift. He hounded me four times until I told him what it was - a silver cross necklace. Then he told me not to give it to him in front of the nurses. I wasn't going to give it to him until his release. The same day, I told him he was wrong to hound me. No means no. And that I needed to work on my boundaries more. Plus, if you give someone a gift, you don't have the terms of when you can give it to them dictated to you. difficult child took it well. Progress.

2. Yesterday while I was there, difficult child started to complain that I had removed the neon lights from inside "his" car (the one I bought). (When I bought the car, I told him not to attach anything to the car, etc. without my permission. He did it anyway.) I said after your DUI, I asked you to clean it out and get all your stuff out. You didn't. I asked again. You still didn't finish. I got a sack of just garbage out of the car plus a pile of personal items. The car needed to be driven because it had sat for six weeks. I tried to plug in my cell phone and found 2 adapters expanding the 12 volt connectors plus a ton of wires in my way. Yes, I removed all of them. If you had wanted them, you had two chances to remove them. difficult child expects me to replace them. $60 HUH?!? Do you have any clue as to how much cash your addiction has cost me? When will I get that back? He asked for an apology. I refused. Then he claims that I am wrong.

He still has not signed the release so they can speak with me.

He wants to move in with someone who will get out about a week before him. This will be for 8 weeks while difficult child completes the partial hospitalization program. He claims the counselor has approved them living together. Yet, I hear the other guy has an apartment, then nope, then he will stay at his brother's house, then nope, then he is looking for one. Well, if I am expected to pay for it, I need information before I commit. This will mean I have to pay $275 for difficult child to get his license back and allow him to take car. Plus rent for 8 weeks, etc. etc. A huge amount of cash.

Finally, difficult child asked me yesterday if I turned his cell phone off. No, I changed it so your calls and texts could only come to and from me. Why? Because I didn't know if you would stay in rehab or leave. You refused to sign release so they couldn't tell me if you left. I sure wasn't going to have you leave and then call some idiot to come get you. Turns out, difficult child asks nurse for phone to "get a number" and sees he has zero texts. He claims he would feel better if I changed it so he could get "supportive" messages from friends. Hmmmm, the addicts you left are gonna send you supportive messages in rehab?!?

Sigh.....

 

[Calamity Jane]

AG,
I'm watching Judge Judy right now, and I just wish we could channel her interrogation techniques when we talk to our difficult children. She mops the floor with these people! Sigh. I still can't understand how difficult children can be so slick yet so dopey at the same time. I hear you when you say you wish he could stay in till he was 30. Just be tough and stick to your boundaries - I love what you did with the phone.

 

[InsaneCdn]

No, They are NOT going to keep him until he's 30. Would be nice to dream about 30 months, but that won't happen either... <grin>. 30 weeks would be another 10 weeks, but that isn't long enough.

{{hugs}}

 

[Nancy]

AG when my difficult child went into rehab I took her phone and erased all contacts from it, all texts, all pictures and then I called and had the phone number changed. I was done with all the thugs she was hanging out with and I didn't care if she liked it or not. When I took her car away a year before that because I found alcohol in it I cleaned it out completely and threw away allt he trashy cd's and cigarette wrappers and spray cologne (I guess to mask the smell) and all the other cr*p that was in there including the wire to play her ipod. I had had it and was reclaiming my property.

I know I don't have to tell you this but his atttude does not bode well for when he comes out. Have you discussed this with his counselor? I think you have to draw the line in the sand and let him know what you will and will not expect and that he will have to find alternative living arrangements if he can't abide by your rules. And make it clear that you will not support him financially.

Don't let your son be abusive tto you in any way. I know for me once difficult child went to rehab and I found out how peaceful our home could be with her gone I was determined to never live like that again.

I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be making more progress. He may be sober but his thinking is not.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Nancy,

I agree with you completely. When I was with him yesterday, the term "dry drunk" kept running through my head.

I have a phone call into his counselor. difficult child has yet to sign the release. I have told him that I will not pay for housing unless he does prior to release so I can understand their recommendations and that I expect him to abide by them.

Also told difficult child that his counselor will need to email me once a week during the partial hospitalization program. I want to insure he is attending, no failed drug tests and none of this "I'm taking back the release" nonsense. No email - no cash for the next week.

Thanks for your thoughts..

 

[exhausted]

Good for you AG-this is what he deserves. His attitude is just like my difficult child-"I will run all over you and bully you into getting what I want." This does not go away unless they are accountable to someone. It just so happens that accountability to her parents does not exist for difficult child. She was only non-demanding when she had outsiders to be accountable to or when she was getting ready to pull a fast one. I think this takes a great deal of time to fix. It's become a habit and we don't even realize sometimes they have crossed a line. My friend use to tell me that she would have "popped my difficult children mouth" if she talked to her in a certain way. I didn't even realize that she was talking out of line-so use to it. Man are they hard! So sorry you drove so far and his selfish needs came first!

 

[toughlovin]

AG - your experience is so familar to me. I totally agree with your stand that you won't pay for any housing without him signing a release to talk to a counselor to get their recommendations. My guess is they are recommending some kind of sober living and your difficult child doesn't want that... and yet he should go into some kind of structured living situation after being in rehab.

TL

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL, That's helpful. difficult child made some comment about them trying to dictate where someone else was going after rehab. When I read your post, bells went off on my head.

I agree...two just released from rehab shouldn't live together. I don't like the idea of 18 yr old difficult child staying in a hotel either.

Thank you

 

[Tiredof33]

Agirl,
When my daughter was going to support group meetings they were told not to date, live with, or have social contact with any of the people in the group outside of group. It makes it so much easier to relapse!!

It is so amazing to me how much disrespect they can have for the people trying to help them!! But I remember a counselor telling me that people treat us the way we LET them treat us. It hurts so much when it's our flesh and blood.

I know it's hard when it is your only child and you raised him by yourself. I did too, but I do have a daughter that has turned her life around. The difference I see with her and my son is that she stayed in the support group for a long time and my son did not. She wanted a different life and for some reason he doesn't want it bad enough! She rode a city bus over an hour to the meetings and over an hour back home twice a week, my son would never go through that!

I would never have stopped smoking if I had not stayed away from my smoking friends. My daughter gets it and made new friends, my son still doesn't understand.

I can only look at my relative's life with her 30 something unemployed only child that she will be supporting for the rest of her life, and it helps me to stay very strong. Mine may be on the streets, I haven't heard from him, but I refuse to support him. Try to find a way to talk to the counselor, I know that none of them would speak to me once my difficult child turned 18.

(((blessings to us all)))