grnladybug
color me green
In the responses to my first post I was asked for some background info>>>
I was married to my sons dad for almost 14 years. He was 11 years older than me. During the years we were together I was never abused physically but quite often emotionally. Also during those years we were involved in drug use for at least 10 of those years. I finally could take no more. I had reached the point where all I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I was so ashamed that this is the life I was raising my son in.
One day I snapped and decided I had a son to live for and I had to get away. I left that life and moved miles away from my sons dad. My son was ok with it at first but soon began to act out. He missed his dad. I was the bad guy who had left his dad.
My son lived with me for almost 3 years then went to live with his dad for about a year and a half. We had hoped this would be a good thing but It wasn't. His dad was not there for him the way we had hoped he would be. Most of my sons cousins who live in that area are hooked on drugs and I didn't want my son to be around that anymore.
I brought my son back home and he has been here for about 8 months.
I have so much guilt and blame myself for my sons problems. I know I shouldn't and my counselor has seen me grow and tells me I have to let go of the guilt but its so hard. If I had been a better mother when he was young would he be different now?
I am very happily married now and am working hard to be a better mother. I finally like myself again (most days). Yet I still feel so responsible for my sons issues.
My son acts a lot like his dad. I have a hard time with that. It hurts so bad.
I'm a person who does not do real well with conflict. My difficult child is oppositional. What a combination. I thing God knows what I need to work on....my backbone.
They say if you ask for help (i.e. less conflict) instaed you get a chance to work on your skills to handle conflict better.
I want to thank you all for your warm welcome and will figure out how to answer each of you when you respond. I was having tech issues and wasn't sure how to resond. Its a work in process like everything else I reakon.
Ladybug
I was married to my sons dad for almost 14 years. He was 11 years older than me. During the years we were together I was never abused physically but quite often emotionally. Also during those years we were involved in drug use for at least 10 of those years. I finally could take no more. I had reached the point where all I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I was so ashamed that this is the life I was raising my son in.
One day I snapped and decided I had a son to live for and I had to get away. I left that life and moved miles away from my sons dad. My son was ok with it at first but soon began to act out. He missed his dad. I was the bad guy who had left his dad.
My son lived with me for almost 3 years then went to live with his dad for about a year and a half. We had hoped this would be a good thing but It wasn't. His dad was not there for him the way we had hoped he would be. Most of my sons cousins who live in that area are hooked on drugs and I didn't want my son to be around that anymore.
I brought my son back home and he has been here for about 8 months.
I have so much guilt and blame myself for my sons problems. I know I shouldn't and my counselor has seen me grow and tells me I have to let go of the guilt but its so hard. If I had been a better mother when he was young would he be different now?
I am very happily married now and am working hard to be a better mother. I finally like myself again (most days). Yet I still feel so responsible for my sons issues.
My son acts a lot like his dad. I have a hard time with that. It hurts so bad.
I'm a person who does not do real well with conflict. My difficult child is oppositional. What a combination. I thing God knows what I need to work on....my backbone.
They say if you ask for help (i.e. less conflict) instaed you get a chance to work on your skills to handle conflict better.I want to thank you all for your warm welcome and will figure out how to answer each of you when you respond. I was having tech issues and wasn't sure how to resond. Its a work in process like everything else I reakon.
Ladybug
