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Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
The blame game, difficult child spouses, strained marriages
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 576399" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>There is a saying in the substance abuse world which states, "don't argue with crazy, then you too become crazy." You are attempting to have a sane conversation with someone who is an alcoholic, this is not going to lead anywhere healthy. He needs help. You need help. If he is an alcoholic, then there is a very good likelihood that you are a codependent. One thing that happens in families where there is substance abuse, is often there will be one person who everyone focuses on as "the problem" which has been your difficult child. Once "the problem" is removed, the real problems and issues begin to arise. It seems that your difficult child is a problem, but your husband's drinking is another problem. There are 12 step groups for him, but if he is not willing to get help, then you can on your own get support for you. It's likely you are enabling him. Your housekeeping skill and your weight are a much much smaller issue then his drinking and in my opinion shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence. He has you bamboozled to take the blame for all of this, don't do it. That's part of the enabling stuff with alcoholics, they blame you for everything, don't accept that blame, make him responsible for his drinking and his daughter. His drinking needs to stop so you can all be healthy enough to define the issues and then deal with them. You have an unhealthy family and it's all blowing up now because the truth is surfacing. That is very, very difficult to face, but the good news is, once it's all out in the open, then you can deal with it. When it's hidden, everyone suffers. I am so sorry, this has got to be overwhelming for you, but I am so glad you are seeing a therapist. Many many hugs for you as you go through this transition.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 576399, member: 13542"] There is a saying in the substance abuse world which states, "don't argue with crazy, then you too become crazy." You are attempting to have a sane conversation with someone who is an alcoholic, this is not going to lead anywhere healthy. He needs help. You need help. If he is an alcoholic, then there is a very good likelihood that you are a codependent. One thing that happens in families where there is substance abuse, is often there will be one person who everyone focuses on as "the problem" which has been your difficult child. Once "the problem" is removed, the real problems and issues begin to arise. It seems that your difficult child is a problem, but your husband's drinking is another problem. There are 12 step groups for him, but if he is not willing to get help, then you can on your own get support for you. It's likely you are enabling him. Your housekeeping skill and your weight are a much much smaller issue then his drinking and in my opinion shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence. He has you bamboozled to take the blame for all of this, don't do it. That's part of the enabling stuff with alcoholics, they blame you for everything, don't accept that blame, make him responsible for his drinking and his daughter. His drinking needs to stop so you can all be healthy enough to define the issues and then deal with them. You have an unhealthy family and it's all blowing up now because the truth is surfacing. That is very, very difficult to face, but the good news is, once it's all out in the open, then you can deal with it. When it's hidden, everyone suffers. I am so sorry, this has got to be overwhelming for you, but I am so glad you are seeing a therapist. Many many hugs for you as you go through this transition. [/QUOTE]
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