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The book I've been reading: narcissts and socipaths
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 430554"><p>My maternal grandmother was a classic narcissist--manipulative, selfish, used family members and pitted them against each other toward her own ends. Made my mother's life a living hell and even in very old age was trying to pit the rest of us against each other wrt things she *might* will to us. My last conversation with her, when she was 93 or so and on the way out, was a thorough dressing-down for all the !@#$ she had put us through and was still trying to put us through. She died half a year later, and good riddance--she spread unhappiness and division wherever she went.</p><p></p><p>I've also had experience with a young sociopath in the family and it was notably different: actively violent, very addictive, also lied and manipulated at every turn and pitted family members against each other, but to a degree far more virulent than my grandmother. Much more wily and willing to play for sympathy, feign willingness to change (always belied by constant and immediate return to predatory behaviors), and so on. Violence, or the threat of it, was the card he played when all else failed. He only cared about his (similarly amoral) friends and the rest of us were just grist for his lifestyle of ceaseless decadence. An entirely different & much worse breed of cat from my grandmother. My sense is that narcissists exploit spouses and their children, while sociopaths really home in on their mothers, as they intuit that this is the one person who is most likely to always "come back for more," deliver what they want, etc. And the attack is a clever blend of appeal to sympathy and threat of violence/mayhem if they don't get what they want.</p><p></p><p>Another thing to watch out for is shallowly expressed commitment to "good" causes/passions that they seem to believe will gild/burnish their reputation in the family or community: strong but thinly supported/researched positions of advocacy for popular causes or activities, without any real effort or commitment or sacrifice. I.e., they give lip service to it but no effort or practical commitment. It's just window dressing to offset the crappy things they do the rest of the time. But it tends to win over, however briefly, those who wish to believe that he/she is actually "good" or trying to be. And again, this is different from narcissists, who don't seem to deploy this tactic with any regularity (or at all).</p><p></p><p>Another striking feature of the sociopath that I noted is utter 2-faced-ness: they present one face to those in a position to help them but a completely, much less humane, personality to their friends and fellow partiers. I once confronted the sociopath in my family about this, telling him that I didn't know which person I was dealing with, and he replied very casually and breezily, "People are complicated." Not a satisfying response, but it's how he defended his duality of self-presentation. </p><p></p><p>Best strategy, once you've IDed someone as a sociopath, is detachment: get clear of him and don't "buy in" to his strategems. That's my sense, anyway.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 430554"] My maternal grandmother was a classic narcissist--manipulative, selfish, used family members and pitted them against each other toward her own ends. Made my mother's life a living hell and even in very old age was trying to pit the rest of us against each other wrt things she *might* will to us. My last conversation with her, when she was 93 or so and on the way out, was a thorough dressing-down for all the !@#$ she had put us through and was still trying to put us through. She died half a year later, and good riddance--she spread unhappiness and division wherever she went. I've also had experience with a young sociopath in the family and it was notably different: actively violent, very addictive, also lied and manipulated at every turn and pitted family members against each other, but to a degree far more virulent than my grandmother. Much more wily and willing to play for sympathy, feign willingness to change (always belied by constant and immediate return to predatory behaviors), and so on. Violence, or the threat of it, was the card he played when all else failed. He only cared about his (similarly amoral) friends and the rest of us were just grist for his lifestyle of ceaseless decadence. An entirely different & much worse breed of cat from my grandmother. My sense is that narcissists exploit spouses and their children, while sociopaths really home in on their mothers, as they intuit that this is the one person who is most likely to always "come back for more," deliver what they want, etc. And the attack is a clever blend of appeal to sympathy and threat of violence/mayhem if they don't get what they want. Another thing to watch out for is shallowly expressed commitment to "good" causes/passions that they seem to believe will gild/burnish their reputation in the family or community: strong but thinly supported/researched positions of advocacy for popular causes or activities, without any real effort or commitment or sacrifice. I.e., they give lip service to it but no effort or practical commitment. It's just window dressing to offset the crappy things they do the rest of the time. But it tends to win over, however briefly, those who wish to believe that he/she is actually "good" or trying to be. And again, this is different from narcissists, who don't seem to deploy this tactic with any regularity (or at all). Another striking feature of the sociopath that I noted is utter 2-faced-ness: they present one face to those in a position to help them but a completely, much less humane, personality to their friends and fellow partiers. I once confronted the sociopath in my family about this, telling him that I didn't know which person I was dealing with, and he replied very casually and breezily, "People are complicated." Not a satisfying response, but it's how he defended his duality of self-presentation. Best strategy, once you've IDed someone as a sociopath, is detachment: get clear of him and don't "buy in" to his strategems. That's my sense, anyway. [/QUOTE]
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The book I've been reading: narcissts and socipaths
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