The child we'd kn adopted as an older kid

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, May 12, 2007.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Frankly, if I'd known how hard it is for older children to attach to their families, I'm not sure I would have done it. Scott was the best behaved kid on earth, but I think his incredibly high IQ got him through his life (six years in an orphanage) with the knowledge that you get nowhere by fighting and acting out, plus he had good genes (we found his very cool birthmother) and good executive functions so he could hide it. He learned to be the perfect kid, the one with great manners, charm, quick one liners. He excelled in life and decided he would outshine the world. It would not shock me if he ended up a millionaire many times over--he is already a millionaire once. He never had a difficult child moment as a child. THAT WE KNEW OF. Now, talking to biol. son, he used to steal his games and other stuff by climbing through our other son's window and literally dropping to the roof to get in (yes, he was also very athletic--the perfect child). We never believed biological son when he'd complain--it sounded too outrageous, plus biological son was sort of a difficult child. My bio. son and I have talked it over many times now that he's an adult and he just laughs it off and says, "Mom, I don't care now. It's the past. I'm just mad that Scott is treating you like a jerk, and that he says he doesn't know me."
    Scott is officially MIA. He married a Chinese woman (he is also Chinese), became religious in the extreme (and almost a cultish way) and I think it's his way of finding his identity. However, he and his wife are joined at the hip, and she isn't a very warm person and has no interest in knowing us, so he stays away. I've adopted four kids. The others came into our lives at ages 1 day, 5 months and 2 years. I ralize we lucked out that the two year old doesn't have a lack of attachment to us, but he also went straight to a loving foster home after having heart surgery where the staff held him almost 24/7 since he cried a lot. He was able to attach almost right away as did my daughter who came at five months. She was from Korea and her foster mom, whom she went to at age Three Days, carried her on her back and slept with her. It paid off handily. Julie can attach and we are very close. But Scott is really, if I'm honest, no longer part of the family nor does he want to be.

    Unless I was finished with my family and truly wanted to just "save a child" I would not adopt an older child again ever. To me, I just wanted a big family. I didn't adopt to save anyone. Scott needed a home and we needed a child. I haven't heard from him since his wedding. We didn't have a fight or anything, he just isn't there for anybody anymore. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm used to it by now. It's Mothers Day and this is just a vent. I'm grateful that God gave me four great kids who love me. I have five kids and would die for any of them, but, really, I don't think Scott thinks of me as his mother in his heart. He has said he felt loved as a child, but "I don't feel emotions like other people do." I'm just grateful he turned his attachment issues into achievement rather than destruction. Vent done :smile: Happy Mother's Day to all. I think we earned it :wink:
     
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I haven't heard a peep from Rob. I have no idea if he knows if tomorrow is MD or not. It's a cinch that he hasn't made any plans with me to celebrate it.

    I will make myself busy tomorrow and celebrate that at least the Suvivor finale is on :smile: .

    Attachment disorder is a b*tch, P. :sad: I hear ya.

    Happy Mother's Day. :flower:

    Suz
     
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    mother's day is not one of my fav holidays. it hurts people. moms expect stuff and they dont get it, moms want at least a word of appreciation and more often than not, they only get that from other moms.

    I remember Scott and your story. it is hard to swallow. I have to say you are going to have to take comfort in the fact that you kept him and made his life better unselfishly. you made him be able to love some one else. he is on his own. your work is completed. you did a great job with him. you cannot control that he is unable to show his love and appreciation back. hopefully one day he will. maybe he never will. his loss. you would have been a great gramma to his kids, a lifelong confidante and friend for him. those are hard to find.

    (((((HUGS)))))
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to you all. It's a bitter pill to swallow, for all of us, I'm sure. In my case it came out of the blue. This was the kid who always did the right thing, but the anger must have been there inside, and he hid it. He was always very anti-psychiatrist and was too smart to force to go for help (that I wasn't sure he needed anyways). What was I supposed to say anyways? "He's TOO perfect? He NEVER gets angry? He's a straight A student and a great athlete with tons of friends?" If it wasn't for all his friends, (and he IS kind of shy, or so he says) I'd say he may have Aspergers, but he is way, way, way too people-savvy.

    Well, I hope everyone gets the love and appreciation you all deserve from your easy child kids and, if you don't have any, from a loving SO.

    All of you are such sweet people.

    Hugs back,
    Pam
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One last thought: One of my biggest regrets is that I'll never be able to be a Grandma to his children. I know he won't let me, or rather that SHE won't, and he will let her run the show. I'm not Chinese (and at this point they are both EXTREMELY into their culture) and I think they'd be afraid I'd do something that they consider against the Bible. Since I have no idea (am always surprised) at what they consider wrong, they're probably right. Their brand of Christianity is not the Christianity I was taught or believe in and I've tried to learn about it, but I"ve found that he is interpreting the Bible his way, so nobody can teach me what is in his head and, frankly, I want to be able to spoil and enjoy my grandchildren. On a happier note, biological son and his sweet wife are planning on having a child and they will let me play grandma all I want :smile: My once uber-difficult child/now easy child daughter has been with her boyfriend for over four years and plan to have kids "one day." I'm glad she is finally using her head and planning. And the two kids at home are still wonderful. My other kids really think I should "forget Scott" like they've tried to do, although he has hurt them all, especially grown daughter who was so close to him.
    How do you forget a child? It's like losing a limb? It's worse.
     
  6. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Pam,

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you forget a child? It's like losing a limb? It's worse. </div></div>

    From experience, you will never forget your child, no matter what they have done or not done, or said or not said in the past. For your own self preservation you have to somehow learn how to "put it in it's place". You will always love that child and yearn for the normalcy that we are fortunate enough to experience with our other children. I have had to work hard to learn and believe that all relationships are not created equal. And, the kind of relationship we want with our estranged difficult child's is obviously not the kind of relationship THEY want. I have to respect that for two reasons.......... One, you can't force someone participate in a relationship that isn't willing, nor would you want to. Second, at this point in their lives, I believe they are not even capable of the give and take of an adult - parent/child relationship.

    It hurts and it keeps on hurting. I was mowing our yard yesterday and was thinking about my difficult child and mother’s day. We adopted our difficult child. She has contact with her bio Mom, and has had several foster mom's and doesn't have a problem at all with calling just about any woman Mom. Tears sprung to my eyes when I thought of that. I was the MOM that loved her all those years, dried her tears, bathed, fed, taught, supported, cheered for and played with her all those years. Her version of loyalty and love is different than mine. And THAT IS SAD! But it has to be that way, just because it is. I can't change that.

    My difficult child has a beautiful 3 yr. old little boy. Our Grandson. We haven't seen him for a few months!!! I am extremely hurt that we were not even enough of a priority for our difficult child to bring him to us.

    You know what, I could be a bitter, bitter sad woman if I allowed myself to dwell on the negative and didn't come to some sort of peace regarding our difficult child. In my mind, it has it's "place". This is also a time I rely on GRACE. I sometimes feel grace, I ask for grace and I give grace. When thinking of my Grandson, I will on occasion allow myself to feel sad that we are not more involved in his life. Mainly when I think of him and look at his pictures he brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I can't say the same for his mother, my daughter. When I think of her or see her pictures, I feel sadness, sadness for what could have been, what should have been and what isn't. Ack! I better stop that or I'll be in tears. One thing that brings me semi peace is that my difficult child daughter professes to be happy. I guess as parents, that's what we want right? Our children to be happy?

    Pam, I truly believe that at some point our difficult child's will come back to us and we will have peace. Happy Mother's Day from me and from all of our children that are unable to express or appreciate the loving, motherly care you provided them.

    Donna aka mom_to_3
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm one of those who agrees with the "It ain't over til it's over."

    I am not entirely the same person I was at 18, or even in my 20's. Life has taught me many lessons along the way. I've had my thinking readjusted more times than I can count. Life can be a humbling experience as you move thru it.

    There is no way of knowing what the future will hold.

    I thought of stepgfg today and my heart ached. It hurts to think of all she is denying herself. And I felt like someone punched me in my heart when the kids told me at my Mother's day dinner that they think of stepgfg as dead, and when people ask that is how they refer to her. But I really can't fault them too much as I classify my own feelings within the relm of someone grieving a loved one who has passed on. If they need to deal with her behavior that way, who am I to judge them. I just gently reminded them that they have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring.

    For what it's worth, bio kids can do the same thing. My sis who is the middle child pretty much shrugged off the entire family when she left for the military at 18. She was chasing the Dream of a better life she'd had for herself. Nothing more than that. She distanced herself so well that my Mom was shocked I hadn't seen this sis in person for over 10 yrs. No bad blood. Just distance.

    Now this sis is realizing that the Dream she was chasing was an illusion of grandeaur. Money doesn't make everything rosey and sweet. There are no Happily Ever After's in real Life. Now pushing 50 with her kids grown and now distancing themselves from Her, she's had her eyes opened to what being family means. For the past year or so she's been working hard to mend those distant relationships. I used to resent her. These days I'm just sad for what all she missed. I'm just glad her eyes were opened before she found herself completely alone.

    These types of holidays really bug me. They set people up to be hurt. If your really appreciate the important people in your lives you shouldn't need a made up day to make them feel special. They should already know it.


    Hugs
     
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