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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 391562" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>First of all, I want to respond to your comment "don't want to ruin his life." Please remember that HE is the one "ruining his life." You really don't have anything to do with that. If he chooses to continue down the path he's on, that's on him. Receiving natural consequences for his choices are all on him, even if those consequences are ones that you might set into motion. It's very hard sometimes as parents to separate our children's choices and "failures" from ourselves... it's easy to feel as though you're the one failing, and to agonize over the choices they're making because you can see the road it's leading down. Thing is, parents end up doing all the worrying and agonizing, doing all the "work," while the kid just goes along his merry way, oblivious. That's something I've come to realize lately with my own child; I'm "doing all the work" worrying FOR her about her situation, whiel she doesn't do much of anything and doesn't seem nearly as concerned as I am .. and what good is that? So I'm stressed out over HER life, while she's not? Wow. What a waste of my energy!</p><p></p><p>I'm not clear from your post as to whether he's passing his classes at college. If he's passing, even if not with the grades you'd like him to have, I'd be inclined to ignore some of the other stuff. If however he's flunking out because of self-medicating etc., you have to think seriously as to whether you'd like to keep pouring money into a program that he may not pass. For me, it wouldn't be worth the risk of throwing that money down the drain. If you choose not to pay for that any more, I think him working and going to community college, as a condition of living at home, is very reasonable. Again, his choice. You set the rules, he can choose whether or not to comply. If he won't comply, he'll have to make other arrangements. No, it's not easy to do... in fact, it's darn hard to do. But I think it's a very loving thing to do, to force kids to take responsibility for their actions, and to allow them to suffer the consequences of those actions instead of rescuing them.</p><p></p><p>I encourage you to attend a support program like Al-Anon/Nar-Anon/Families Anonymous if you haven't already, this is a time when you have to gather all the support resources around you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially at the holidays.. it is never easy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 391562, member: 1157"] First of all, I want to respond to your comment "don't want to ruin his life." Please remember that HE is the one "ruining his life." You really don't have anything to do with that. If he chooses to continue down the path he's on, that's on him. Receiving natural consequences for his choices are all on him, even if those consequences are ones that you might set into motion. It's very hard sometimes as parents to separate our children's choices and "failures" from ourselves... it's easy to feel as though you're the one failing, and to agonize over the choices they're making because you can see the road it's leading down. Thing is, parents end up doing all the worrying and agonizing, doing all the "work," while the kid just goes along his merry way, oblivious. That's something I've come to realize lately with my own child; I'm "doing all the work" worrying FOR her about her situation, whiel she doesn't do much of anything and doesn't seem nearly as concerned as I am .. and what good is that? So I'm stressed out over HER life, while she's not? Wow. What a waste of my energy! I'm not clear from your post as to whether he's passing his classes at college. If he's passing, even if not with the grades you'd like him to have, I'd be inclined to ignore some of the other stuff. If however he's flunking out because of self-medicating etc., you have to think seriously as to whether you'd like to keep pouring money into a program that he may not pass. For me, it wouldn't be worth the risk of throwing that money down the drain. If you choose not to pay for that any more, I think him working and going to community college, as a condition of living at home, is very reasonable. Again, his choice. You set the rules, he can choose whether or not to comply. If he won't comply, he'll have to make other arrangements. No, it's not easy to do... in fact, it's darn hard to do. But I think it's a very loving thing to do, to force kids to take responsibility for their actions, and to allow them to suffer the consequences of those actions instead of rescuing them. I encourage you to attend a support program like Al-Anon/Nar-Anon/Families Anonymous if you haven't already, this is a time when you have to gather all the support resources around you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially at the holidays.. it is never easy. [/QUOTE]
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