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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 391619"><p>Hi Dejected,</p><p></p><p>Many of us have been in your shoes in one form or another. I really understand the quandary you are feeling, wanting to help him, not wanting to let him fail, worried about how far down he will go if you let him. Unfortunately you really can't help him until he wants to help himself. That is a very tough place to be. You want to prevent long term consequences of his stupid 18 year old actions....but you really can't. Ultimately it is up to him.</p><p></p><p>What you can do is figure out what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. You can set limits in your own home. If you don't want him to come then you can state that and why. If you do decide to let him come home then set up some kind of agreement as to the expectations and requirements to live there. If he breaks them then you have to be ready to tell him to move out. If he does not want to be at that college then for goodness sake don't pay for him to stay. That will be a waste of your money.... because if he doesn't want to do the work he won't. It may not be a party school but if someone really wants to party they will find others who will. </p><p></p><p>Sounds like he might have a real substance abuse problem. This is scary and heartbreaking and again there is not much you can do until he wants help.... but you can limit how much you do for him. What you want to do is make sure any money you give him is not going for drugs... if he is using it may very well be. I think one of the things to really remember around drug use, as long as you enable him to keep using he will and it will just help him get deeper and deeper into the drug use. So given that you seem concerned about his substance use, you really want to take care not to help him in any way use more.</p><p></p><p>It is so darned hard. I know this from experience. My son is now 19....he is currently in rehab. He is finally there because he agreed to go because he spent 2 weeks in jail and he decided he did not like jail!!! It was awful that he was there, and he now has a felony on his record which is not good for his future, but when faced with the choice of rehab or jail he took rehab. I can only hope for the best. My feeling is sometimes money you plan on for college has to go to something like rehab...and ultimately that is more important.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 391619"] Hi Dejected, Many of us have been in your shoes in one form or another. I really understand the quandary you are feeling, wanting to help him, not wanting to let him fail, worried about how far down he will go if you let him. Unfortunately you really can't help him until he wants to help himself. That is a very tough place to be. You want to prevent long term consequences of his stupid 18 year old actions....but you really can't. Ultimately it is up to him. What you can do is figure out what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. You can set limits in your own home. If you don't want him to come then you can state that and why. If you do decide to let him come home then set up some kind of agreement as to the expectations and requirements to live there. If he breaks them then you have to be ready to tell him to move out. If he does not want to be at that college then for goodness sake don't pay for him to stay. That will be a waste of your money.... because if he doesn't want to do the work he won't. It may not be a party school but if someone really wants to party they will find others who will. Sounds like he might have a real substance abuse problem. This is scary and heartbreaking and again there is not much you can do until he wants help.... but you can limit how much you do for him. What you want to do is make sure any money you give him is not going for drugs... if he is using it may very well be. I think one of the things to really remember around drug use, as long as you enable him to keep using he will and it will just help him get deeper and deeper into the drug use. So given that you seem concerned about his substance use, you really want to take care not to help him in any way use more. It is so darned hard. I know this from experience. My son is now 19....he is currently in rehab. He is finally there because he agreed to go because he spent 2 weeks in jail and he decided he did not like jail!!! It was awful that he was there, and he now has a felony on his record which is not good for his future, but when faced with the choice of rehab or jail he took rehab. I can only hope for the best. My feeling is sometimes money you plan on for college has to go to something like rehab...and ultimately that is more important. [/QUOTE]
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