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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 391732" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Hello DejectedDad, and welcome.</p><p>You've already received some great advice from the others, so I will just weigh in with a few thoughts.</p><p></p><p>If you continue to shield your son from his bad choices, then he never gets to learn why the choices are bad. Natural consequences are just about the best teacher out there. You were willing to put him through school, you likely budgeted for a 4-year program, assuming that he'd graduate, get a job and be self-supporting after that. He's not holding up his end of the bargain, so you're in a good position to drop yours as well.</p><p></p><p>At your son's age, he has to start to learn to make good decisions now. On his own. With a lot of our children, that involves learning the hard way (the really, painfully, don't think you can live through it hard way). If you make decisions for him, or try to lead him down a path that he doesn't want to follow, then he's trying to fulfill your dreams not his. It won't lead to a good result. </p><p></p><p>At 18, he still has time to turn his life around. The process will likely be a quicker one if it's uncomfortable. If he has a cushy place to live and all his necessities are paid for, then he has no incentive to want to change his behaviour. Why should he, when he's getting an easy ride and doesn't have to make an effort.</p><p></p><p>You mention that you, your wife and your easy child all feel much better when your difficult child isn't in the house. That's a very telling statement. Your family home should be a haven from the world, the place you run to, not from. If your difficult child isn't contributing to that peace, then he shouldn't be at home. He's of an age where he can forge his own path. Maybe that's what he needs to do.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I was a bit of a tearaway when I was in high school, mainly because I knew I could get away with it. My older brother or my cousin were usually at the same parties I attended. One or other of them would keep me out of trouble at the party, then drive me home and pour me into bed. Because I knew this, I had no reason to change my behaviour. Once I was away at university in a town far away from home and family, I was responsible for my own safety and had to get myself home. So I did. My behaviour was completely different, because since no one else was going to do it for me, I had to do it. Along the way, I learned that I was capable of much more than I had ever thought I could do. In short, I learned to be independent.</p><p></p><p>I wonder...if your difficult child has never had the opportunity to fend for himself, he might not think that he's capable either.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 391732, member: 3907"] Hello DejectedDad, and welcome. You've already received some great advice from the others, so I will just weigh in with a few thoughts. If you continue to shield your son from his bad choices, then he never gets to learn why the choices are bad. Natural consequences are just about the best teacher out there. You were willing to put him through school, you likely budgeted for a 4-year program, assuming that he'd graduate, get a job and be self-supporting after that. He's not holding up his end of the bargain, so you're in a good position to drop yours as well. At your son's age, he has to start to learn to make good decisions now. On his own. With a lot of our children, that involves learning the hard way (the really, painfully, don't think you can live through it hard way). If you make decisions for him, or try to lead him down a path that he doesn't want to follow, then he's trying to fulfill your dreams not his. It won't lead to a good result. At 18, he still has time to turn his life around. The process will likely be a quicker one if it's uncomfortable. If he has a cushy place to live and all his necessities are paid for, then he has no incentive to want to change his behaviour. Why should he, when he's getting an easy ride and doesn't have to make an effort. You mention that you, your wife and your easy child all feel much better when your difficult child isn't in the house. That's a very telling statement. Your family home should be a haven from the world, the place you run to, not from. If your difficult child isn't contributing to that peace, then he shouldn't be at home. He's of an age where he can forge his own path. Maybe that's what he needs to do. I was a bit of a tearaway when I was in high school, mainly because I knew I could get away with it. My older brother or my cousin were usually at the same parties I attended. One or other of them would keep me out of trouble at the party, then drive me home and pour me into bed. Because I knew this, I had no reason to change my behaviour. Once I was away at university in a town far away from home and family, I was responsible for my own safety and had to get myself home. So I did. My behaviour was completely different, because since no one else was going to do it for me, I had to do it. Along the way, I learned that I was capable of much more than I had ever thought I could do. In short, I learned to be independent. I wonder...if your difficult child has never had the opportunity to fend for himself, he might not think that he's capable either. [/QUOTE]
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