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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 391914" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>One of the best revelations I had was that I should not and could not live his life. It was my job to provide opportunities and then let the chips fall where they may. Doesn't mean I didn't parent, advise, and reprimand when he screwed up. His errors are his to contend with. </p><p>Let him complain as long as he is going to school and passing. Stop making excuses for his "hard major". It was his choice. He has the IQ obviously but that is only a number if he does not use his intelligence to problem solve and live a productive life. </p><p>I do not believe you can make him go to treatment. I do not believe you can ruin his life. I do not believe that you can cure him of his miserable attitude or his lying. You can however hold him accountable and put the mirror to his face. Letting parental guilt blind you to the negative aspects of your child's personality will only allow you to make excuses. None of that helps him grow up. You can not cure him of his addictions. He will have to fall into the abyss of addiction and find his way out. You are always available to encourage, give guidance and advice if he asks for them. </p><p>You can however be clear that if he chooses to drop out of the college HE chose that he can not return home to get high with his buddies and go to school that is "easy" for him. He will be the big fish in a little shallow pond. Being around losers makes him feel more powerful. </p><p></p><p>He may become successful via education but he may always be a liar and a whiner and an addict. He may wake up and realize he is not likeable and change. However, you can not turn that lightbulb on. Certainly not when you make excuses for him. </p><p></p><p>You have raised him to the best of your ability. You have given him choices and many opportunities others do not get. However, he has to take up the mantle of functionality and get on with his life without you fighting with him, or living in fear that he will ruin life in your home. You also have choices. </p><p>Don't let ego "my child is successful" blind you to the bigger problem.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 391914, member: 3"] One of the best revelations I had was that I should not and could not live his life. It was my job to provide opportunities and then let the chips fall where they may. Doesn't mean I didn't parent, advise, and reprimand when he screwed up. His errors are his to contend with. Let him complain as long as he is going to school and passing. Stop making excuses for his "hard major". It was his choice. He has the IQ obviously but that is only a number if he does not use his intelligence to problem solve and live a productive life. I do not believe you can make him go to treatment. I do not believe you can ruin his life. I do not believe that you can cure him of his miserable attitude or his lying. You can however hold him accountable and put the mirror to his face. Letting parental guilt blind you to the negative aspects of your child's personality will only allow you to make excuses. None of that helps him grow up. You can not cure him of his addictions. He will have to fall into the abyss of addiction and find his way out. You are always available to encourage, give guidance and advice if he asks for them. You can however be clear that if he chooses to drop out of the college HE chose that he can not return home to get high with his buddies and go to school that is "easy" for him. He will be the big fish in a little shallow pond. Being around losers makes him feel more powerful. He may become successful via education but he may always be a liar and a whiner and an addict. He may wake up and realize he is not likeable and change. However, you can not turn that lightbulb on. Certainly not when you make excuses for him. You have raised him to the best of your ability. You have given him choices and many opportunities others do not get. However, he has to take up the mantle of functionality and get on with his life without you fighting with him, or living in fear that he will ruin life in your home. You also have choices. Don't let ego "my child is successful" blind you to the bigger problem. [/QUOTE]
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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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