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The coming Thanksgiving crisis--home from college
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 391927" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>As parents we want the best for our kids. Unfortunately often their idea of the life they want to live and ours are not the same. You do have some control over your own life if not over his. You do not have to pay for an education he isn't getting. If he is not getting good grades he will be kicked out anyway. Your choice is whether or not to allow that to happen naturally or to stop paying his tuition and save the next semester's tuition. You say you do not want him home because life is too difficult. He is not a minor so you have no obligation to allow him to move back in. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome to live with you and why. Tell him that if he drops out of his current college, he can find a job and an place to live and attend school on his own at night. If he has to work hard at it he might appreciate his education more anyway. Lots of kids get a great sence of accomplishment when they earn their own way. </p><p> </p><p>I know this is hard. I know that you feel like you will be letting your son flounder and fail. I know that it is hard to change your protective parent mindset. I know because I lived it. You do no know my story but I tried every intervention possible to keep my son from ruining his life. I spent a small fortune on legal fees and programs only to have him walk away from them after a few weeks. Once when he was hopped up on drugs he stomped on me and broke my ribs. I was cursed at and had things thrown at me on a daily basis and I still tried to "help" him. I finally had to stop getting involved in his chaos and let him make his own life. I currently have little contact with him. Every once in a while I find out about the lies he is telling in the community to gardner "help" and home from total strangers. He is a manipulator and just moves from one unsuspecting sap to another while never making any real effort to improve himself. I hate the life he is living but I realize it is out of my hands. I have learned that the only thing a person has control over is how they react in any given circumstance. </p><p> </p><p>What I am saying here is to do what <strong><em><u>you</u></em></strong> need to do to keep your home safe and peaceful for <strong><em><u>you and your wife and easy child</u></em></strong>. My health and well being and that of my husband and my other son suffered because we didn't do it soon enough. My difficult child is no longer allowed to live here and he is only allowed to come over if he is sober and not bringing chaos with him. I realize that an ongoing relationship with my difficult child will never be perfect. His siblings no longer want any contact with him and I respect that. It is his doing not mine, I no longer try to "mend" the rifts in the family. I make time for all my children seperately. It makes the holidays difficult in someways but better in others. I have also learned that the "PERFECT" family is not anything I will ever realize but that that there can be perfection within the imperfect. Life is full of compromises and difficulties. It is also full of joys and wonders. The key is to embrace them all when they come your way. _RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 391927, member: 2315"] As parents we want the best for our kids. Unfortunately often their idea of the life they want to live and ours are not the same. You do have some control over your own life if not over his. You do not have to pay for an education he isn't getting. If he is not getting good grades he will be kicked out anyway. Your choice is whether or not to allow that to happen naturally or to stop paying his tuition and save the next semester's tuition. You say you do not want him home because life is too difficult. He is not a minor so you have no obligation to allow him to move back in. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome to live with you and why. Tell him that if he drops out of his current college, he can find a job and an place to live and attend school on his own at night. If he has to work hard at it he might appreciate his education more anyway. Lots of kids get a great sence of accomplishment when they earn their own way. I know this is hard. I know that you feel like you will be letting your son flounder and fail. I know that it is hard to change your protective parent mindset. I know because I lived it. You do no know my story but I tried every intervention possible to keep my son from ruining his life. I spent a small fortune on legal fees and programs only to have him walk away from them after a few weeks. Once when he was hopped up on drugs he stomped on me and broke my ribs. I was cursed at and had things thrown at me on a daily basis and I still tried to "help" him. I finally had to stop getting involved in his chaos and let him make his own life. I currently have little contact with him. Every once in a while I find out about the lies he is telling in the community to gardner "help" and home from total strangers. He is a manipulator and just moves from one unsuspecting sap to another while never making any real effort to improve himself. I hate the life he is living but I realize it is out of my hands. I have learned that the only thing a person has control over is how they react in any given circumstance. What I am saying here is to do what [B][I][U]you[/U][/I][/B] need to do to keep your home safe and peaceful for [B][I][U]you and your wife and easy child[/U][/I][/B]. My health and well being and that of my husband and my other son suffered because we didn't do it soon enough. My difficult child is no longer allowed to live here and he is only allowed to come over if he is sober and not bringing chaos with him. I realize that an ongoing relationship with my difficult child will never be perfect. His siblings no longer want any contact with him and I respect that. It is his doing not mine, I no longer try to "mend" the rifts in the family. I make time for all my children seperately. It makes the holidays difficult in someways but better in others. I have also learned that the "PERFECT" family is not anything I will ever realize but that that there can be perfection within the imperfect. Life is full of compromises and difficulties. It is also full of joys and wonders. The key is to embrace them all when they come your way. _RM [/QUOTE]
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