The dagger of grief

[svengandhi]

In a bizarre sort of way, I envy you. I found out my father died when his sister called to tell me she had fallen and broken her hip. I still don't know when or how he died, just that it was some time before the day we were dropping daughter off at college for her freshman year. I found out my mother had died when my H decided to call crazy sister's girlfriend and ask how she was doing. She told him that mom "died Feb 7." It was Feb 6 when he called her - she had been dead for one day less than a year and I had only found out. I don't know how she died, although I had the SS Registry checked to make sure it was true since it wouldn't be beyond my sis to do the Norman Bates thing and try to collect mom's SS checks. I guess she died at the hospital.

I have not cried over either death. I did not sit shiva and I wasn't even thinking clearly enough to take my allotted bereavement days at work.

I envy you having had the type of R with your dad where his impending death actually means something to you and for having the memories of his and your life together to get you through it. I hope your dad is not suffering greatly and that you and your entire family have peace.

 

[Steely]

I understand Sven. You know this guy that I have been hiking with and developing a friendship with is the one who really pushed me to fly to Oregon ASAP. I am so very glad he did. In a very serendipitous way, we met and realized that we have had almost identical life experiences the last 4 years. His brother committed suicide in Feb., a year before my sister died. Then his mom died 7 months later, and now he is taking care of his dad who has Alzheimers. It is amazing to be able to talk openly with someone who so profoundly understands all aspects of death. We both lost someone suddenly. And we both are losing/lost someone to cancer. Each has its own kind of grief. There are really so many kinds of grief, and like you are talking about, there are some like yours which so delayed it may take years to process.

This grief right now, is in particularly hard because I have to watch him suffer. The hospice lady called it anticipatory grief. Every time he chokes my heart flip flops. Each day he loses more and more function, and I see him fade more and more into the world of death. It is gut wrenching. And then once he is gone, I will grieve the loss of him. Kind of a double whammy in a way - but at least I get to say goodbye - which I did not have with my sister nor did you have with your parents. I think that is worse than watching the suffering.

 

[timer lady]

Steely, when is it time to move dad to inpatient hospice? The time came that my mother didn't want her family to suffer the "indignity" (she was such a proud woman) of all the various bodily functions that she could no longer control.

She went inpatient hospice & was gone within 24 hours.

The anticipatory grief, I believe, got my dad thru the deeath of his wife of 55 years. It became a celebration of mom versus the overwhelming grief.

I hope this helps somewhat ~ there is no good or right thing to say or offer at these times. I believe Sharon (ldm) stated that this is the cycle of life ~ it's not easy or with-o pain.

 

[Steely]

He does not want to go inpatient. It is very important for him to die in his home so he can die looking at Mt Hood. So he seems OK with my mom bathing him and cleaning him.

He is going extremely fast, I would give him days. He is losing communication, and completely bed bound. Today is a really, really hard day.

 

[HaoZi]

More *hugs* to y'all Steely.