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The dagger of grief
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 412982" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Thank you guys for all the wisdom. Janet I did not see your eulogy, if you want to post it again, I would love that. I did the same thing for Heidi's memorial, spent hours on this poem, and it was so cleansing to share with everyone how deeply she impacted my life. I did cry when reading it, and had to stop several time to re-compose, but I made it through.</p><p></p><p>Star I had no idea that you have lost 2 sons. What intense pain that must have been. However, like you said, you know where their spirit is now, and that is how I feel with Heidi. For us, it was a bald eagle that flew over the day after she died.</p><p></p><p>The added issue I think to this particular situation is 3 things. </p><p></p><p>One is that my dad is a devote atheist. I asked him yesterday if he believed he would see Heidi after he passed and he said no - and for some reason that just broke my heart. I want to imagine them in peace and harmony with each other in the spirit world. I guess I still can imagine, but I don't know, it seems unsettling that he does not believe it.</p><p></p><p>Two is that as one of you mentioned he was not the best dad. There was abuse. Yet he loved me, and I have forgiven him for the abuse, I cannot forget. I am left with the scars. I want to hug and hold him, but I can't because the former abuse makes me feel not comfortable being that intimate with him. So as he is dying, my hope for ever having that dad I really wanted is also dying. A fantasy I did not realize I even had until now, is gone forever. </p><p></p><p>The third thing is that my Mom's mother died 4 years ago, and Heidi died 3 years ago, and my Mom has never cried over either. Not once. Now she can't stop crying, which I knew would happen, it is like the dam breaking. I am going to try to get her to talk to the social worker from hospice, but it is so hard to see her finally break into a million pieces.</p><p></p><p>He is now choking, severely, on all foods. He just choked so hard that he pooped all over himself, and my Mom is in there trying to clean it all up. I am not sure anymore what we feed him because he is choking so badly. His tumor is on his brain stem, so it is just shutting down the part that swallows. Soft foods make him choke, hard foods, everything. Like you said Janet, there will be no feeding tube, so you have to accept that life is ending, and this is how it ends.</p><p></p><p>We have decided he will no longer get out of bed, because it is literally too hard for all of us. So no more of last night where we both almost dropped a 200 pound man on his head.</p><p></p><p>I think I will remain in Oregon until this ends. This is why I did not want to take that job yet - my Mom needs me. It is just the 2 of us to get through this and go forward with life - and I am very grateful I am here - it is just SO painful. </p><p></p><p>My Dad wants his ashes scattered where Heidi's ashes were scattered, on a mountain. That will be another gut wrenching moment, to scatter to the wind his ashes upon hers. God I miss her so much right now. Unbelievably miss her and wish she was here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 412982, member: 3301"] Thank you guys for all the wisdom. Janet I did not see your eulogy, if you want to post it again, I would love that. I did the same thing for Heidi's memorial, spent hours on this poem, and it was so cleansing to share with everyone how deeply she impacted my life. I did cry when reading it, and had to stop several time to re-compose, but I made it through. Star I had no idea that you have lost 2 sons. What intense pain that must have been. However, like you said, you know where their spirit is now, and that is how I feel with Heidi. For us, it was a bald eagle that flew over the day after she died. The added issue I think to this particular situation is 3 things. One is that my dad is a devote atheist. I asked him yesterday if he believed he would see Heidi after he passed and he said no - and for some reason that just broke my heart. I want to imagine them in peace and harmony with each other in the spirit world. I guess I still can imagine, but I don't know, it seems unsettling that he does not believe it. Two is that as one of you mentioned he was not the best dad. There was abuse. Yet he loved me, and I have forgiven him for the abuse, I cannot forget. I am left with the scars. I want to hug and hold him, but I can't because the former abuse makes me feel not comfortable being that intimate with him. So as he is dying, my hope for ever having that dad I really wanted is also dying. A fantasy I did not realize I even had until now, is gone forever. The third thing is that my Mom's mother died 4 years ago, and Heidi died 3 years ago, and my Mom has never cried over either. Not once. Now she can't stop crying, which I knew would happen, it is like the dam breaking. I am going to try to get her to talk to the social worker from hospice, but it is so hard to see her finally break into a million pieces. He is now choking, severely, on all foods. He just choked so hard that he pooped all over himself, and my Mom is in there trying to clean it all up. I am not sure anymore what we feed him because he is choking so badly. His tumor is on his brain stem, so it is just shutting down the part that swallows. Soft foods make him choke, hard foods, everything. Like you said Janet, there will be no feeding tube, so you have to accept that life is ending, and this is how it ends. We have decided he will no longer get out of bed, because it is literally too hard for all of us. So no more of last night where we both almost dropped a 200 pound man on his head. I think I will remain in Oregon until this ends. This is why I did not want to take that job yet - my Mom needs me. It is just the 2 of us to get through this and go forward with life - and I am very grateful I am here - it is just SO painful. My Dad wants his ashes scattered where Heidi's ashes were scattered, on a mountain. That will be another gut wrenching moment, to scatter to the wind his ashes upon hers. God I miss her so much right now. Unbelievably miss her and wish she was here. [/QUOTE]
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