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Substance Abuse
The difficulties of detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 525049"><p>I agree Janet we all worry about our difficult children and what might happen to them. I totally recognize that. I will always worry more about my difficult child than my easy child because he has a habit of making bad and dangerous choices. If he ever does get his life together then I am sure his career will involve danger of some kind because he loves risk and danger. That is who he is, so no matter how together he is I will worry about what could happen to him. I can accept that in a way... but at least if he is sober and overall doing well he has a better chance of surviving. The drug use adds a whole other layer of worry.... and wondering if he will end up ODing or in a gutter somewhere. I am not even worried about jail anymore as I know I can live with that.</p><p></p><p>This past couple of days have been hard in the detachment department for me. I check his phone records to see if he is still alive. I had not seen anything on there since Saturday... nothing. I went off and had a nice couple of days with my easy child looking at colleges... I was determined not to let my worry about difficult child get in my way too much. We got home early (I have a very sick looking eye and needed to get back to see the doctor this afternoon). I checked the phone records and he got some texts early this morning but there was no response. It just left me feeling so worried... wondering if he has ID or is he lying dead somewhere and someone took his phone.</p><p></p><p>I was trying to decided what to do and finally made the logical decision to call him before I tried calling anyone else! So I called there was no answer.... but a few mintues later he did call me back. I am sure he was hoping that somehow I would rescue him and I very consiously did not. He has lost his cell charger so his phone is dying and he is keepign it off. I told him to keep in touch and let us know how he is doing, that we care about him and that was it. But at least I know he is still alive.....</p><p></p><p>The answer for us is detachement but it is so counter intuitive. I don't think any of us here is over involved.... but not all of us are detached because developing detachment is a process and a very difficult one at that. It is not a normal process in my opinion. My easy child is growing up, will go to college etc... she will move away and yet I am sure we will stay close but our relationship will change in a natural way... it is already changing in a natural way. She is getting more and more freedom like she should be. </p><p></p><p>But I am not going to be sending her to live on the street with no support from us at the age of 20 and that is what I am having to do with my difficult child. It does not feel natural or normal or anything... and yet I think it is necessary but oh so heartbreaking.</p><p></p><p>And I have to keep doing what I can for me and keep enjoying my life.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 525049"] I agree Janet we all worry about our difficult children and what might happen to them. I totally recognize that. I will always worry more about my difficult child than my easy child because he has a habit of making bad and dangerous choices. If he ever does get his life together then I am sure his career will involve danger of some kind because he loves risk and danger. That is who he is, so no matter how together he is I will worry about what could happen to him. I can accept that in a way... but at least if he is sober and overall doing well he has a better chance of surviving. The drug use adds a whole other layer of worry.... and wondering if he will end up ODing or in a gutter somewhere. I am not even worried about jail anymore as I know I can live with that. This past couple of days have been hard in the detachment department for me. I check his phone records to see if he is still alive. I had not seen anything on there since Saturday... nothing. I went off and had a nice couple of days with my easy child looking at colleges... I was determined not to let my worry about difficult child get in my way too much. We got home early (I have a very sick looking eye and needed to get back to see the doctor this afternoon). I checked the phone records and he got some texts early this morning but there was no response. It just left me feeling so worried... wondering if he has ID or is he lying dead somewhere and someone took his phone. I was trying to decided what to do and finally made the logical decision to call him before I tried calling anyone else! So I called there was no answer.... but a few mintues later he did call me back. I am sure he was hoping that somehow I would rescue him and I very consiously did not. He has lost his cell charger so his phone is dying and he is keepign it off. I told him to keep in touch and let us know how he is doing, that we care about him and that was it. But at least I know he is still alive..... The answer for us is detachement but it is so counter intuitive. I don't think any of us here is over involved.... but not all of us are detached because developing detachment is a process and a very difficult one at that. It is not a normal process in my opinion. My easy child is growing up, will go to college etc... she will move away and yet I am sure we will stay close but our relationship will change in a natural way... it is already changing in a natural way. She is getting more and more freedom like she should be. But I am not going to be sending her to live on the street with no support from us at the age of 20 and that is what I am having to do with my difficult child. It does not feel natural or normal or anything... and yet I think it is necessary but oh so heartbreaking. And I have to keep doing what I can for me and keep enjoying my life. TL [/QUOTE]
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