Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
The double and sometimes triple lives of my difficult child
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 446925" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dash, </p><p></p><p>Your looking? Is your safety net. As long as you can look, keep tabs, have a window into her world, be aware of her fantasies it's a a sort of safe guard for you. I believe as long as you can justify in your mind what she is doing vs. well it's not drugs, she's not a murderer, it's not that bad and sort of give her your own scale of okay but not really it keeps you in the loop of her life where you aren't really accepting of her behaviors but - you know she is still alive. Bottom line in all our difficult child parent minds - Are they alive? Are they in prison/jail? Are they doing something illegall? Because most of us while we aren't thrilled that they are doing immoral things or skirting the law? Can deal with those if they are - alive, and functioning. Some how we start trading one thing for another or rather trading down. And if someone comes along and says "Well she's sleeping with MARRIED men, wrecking homes, doing this or that." Boy do we get defensive and come back with some really normally unjust things that we otherwise would never have said if it were US that was having our husabnds who were having the affair with a young woman. "Well yes my husband is sleeping with a young sexy woman, and he's got three kids at home, and it's ruining the family, but at least the young woman isn't on drugs." </p><p>See what I mean? </p><p>There is no way to justify what she is doing - in that sense, and not that you are - but I agree with some things that others have said - </p><p></p><p>I think you have a choice to make regarding your daughter and your relationship with her. I believe that you either have to start liking her for the person that you know her to be WITHOUT any privy information OR choose not to have any relationsihp at all based on what you know and why. If you choose the latter? I think you should confess and tell her. Probably NOT going to be your best day with her ever, and I wouldn't look for her to trust you with her private life - but you wouldn't have to tell her where you got all the information and how, just that you know, and don't approve. Otheriwise? I think it's time to let go, let her live her life the way she sees fit or unfit, and love her for whomever she becomes until she does something TO YOU.....that crossses a line or a boundary with you. Then redraw lines, and rethink the relationship. TEll her why and go from there at that point. </p><p>I am sure that my son does things that if I were a fly on the wall? I would probably not want to talk to him every other day or so. Then again.....when I was that age I did a few things like sneaking beer, and skipping school that I would rather MY parents not know about - but they knew about anyway. Didn't tell me then, told me about years later. I got away with NOTHING. I was NOT so cool. Small town, LARGE mouths. </p><p></p><p>Anyway - this is just my thought, I know you hurt....and for that I'm sorry. I really am. Tough decisions. You are right about her having to seek the help, and the sad thing is you don't think she even knows she needs help. So my suggestion would be to talk to a therapist or counselor about this...and see what wonderful insight they would have for you to work a back door sort of Motherly way in suggestions for her. I think that's probably what you're shooting for here anyway afterall. Just to help yourself help her. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 446925, member: 4964"] Dash, Your looking? Is your safety net. As long as you can look, keep tabs, have a window into her world, be aware of her fantasies it's a a sort of safe guard for you. I believe as long as you can justify in your mind what she is doing vs. well it's not drugs, she's not a murderer, it's not that bad and sort of give her your own scale of okay but not really it keeps you in the loop of her life where you aren't really accepting of her behaviors but - you know she is still alive. Bottom line in all our difficult child parent minds - Are they alive? Are they in prison/jail? Are they doing something illegall? Because most of us while we aren't thrilled that they are doing immoral things or skirting the law? Can deal with those if they are - alive, and functioning. Some how we start trading one thing for another or rather trading down. And if someone comes along and says "Well she's sleeping with MARRIED men, wrecking homes, doing this or that." Boy do we get defensive and come back with some really normally unjust things that we otherwise would never have said if it were US that was having our husabnds who were having the affair with a young woman. "Well yes my husband is sleeping with a young sexy woman, and he's got three kids at home, and it's ruining the family, but at least the young woman isn't on drugs." See what I mean? There is no way to justify what she is doing - in that sense, and not that you are - but I agree with some things that others have said - I think you have a choice to make regarding your daughter and your relationship with her. I believe that you either have to start liking her for the person that you know her to be WITHOUT any privy information OR choose not to have any relationsihp at all based on what you know and why. If you choose the latter? I think you should confess and tell her. Probably NOT going to be your best day with her ever, and I wouldn't look for her to trust you with her private life - but you wouldn't have to tell her where you got all the information and how, just that you know, and don't approve. Otheriwise? I think it's time to let go, let her live her life the way she sees fit or unfit, and love her for whomever she becomes until she does something TO YOU.....that crossses a line or a boundary with you. Then redraw lines, and rethink the relationship. TEll her why and go from there at that point. I am sure that my son does things that if I were a fly on the wall? I would probably not want to talk to him every other day or so. Then again.....when I was that age I did a few things like sneaking beer, and skipping school that I would rather MY parents not know about - but they knew about anyway. Didn't tell me then, told me about years later. I got away with NOTHING. I was NOT so cool. Small town, LARGE mouths. Anyway - this is just my thought, I know you hurt....and for that I'm sorry. I really am. Tough decisions. You are right about her having to seek the help, and the sad thing is you don't think she even knows she needs help. So my suggestion would be to talk to a therapist or counselor about this...and see what wonderful insight they would have for you to work a back door sort of Motherly way in suggestions for her. I think that's probably what you're shooting for here anyway afterall. Just to help yourself help her. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
The double and sometimes triple lives of my difficult child
Top