The double edged sword of learning to detach...

[hearts and roses]

If you're really freaking out about what to expect and what's possibly being expected of you, hit up your library or local book store to research the current trends. Most trends suggest that the happy couple foot most of the bill these days (whew, what a relief said the mother of two girls!).

And most parents of the bride/groom simply offer a certain amount and be done with it. This allows you up front to make a contribution (which if you do this, you will pay directly to the client, not the couple, if your goal is to keep them from wasting it), and be a part of the planning (at the bride's discretion of course) without feeling like you're being used for monetary purposes only.

I agree that you should discuss with your H how much, if any, you and he are willing to contribute to the wedding BEFORE you go dress shopping with future daughter in law. That way, if it comes up, you will be prepared with a set dollar amount. And that will leave them to discuss how to fit whatever your contribution is into their wedding budget.

You could even go a step further and buy the bride a book about weddings in general or a book about having a budget wedding to help her plan accordingly.

For my first wedding, my exh wanted the big show - white tux with tails (he is 5'6" - looked ridiculous) so I had to change the color of my gown to snow white (my mom made it for me and I loved it, wish I could wear it again). We rented a wedding banquet hall, the dj, the whole nine yards. What could have gone wrong, went wrong. Nightmare comes to mind. Obviously, you know how it ended - LOL.

Second wedding, I planned. It was in my sister's backyard under a beautiful pergola covered in vines and flowers, surrounded by her gorgeous flower beds, only family and intimate friends. I bought my 'gown' at Marshalls for $60, already had the shoes and jewelry. H bought his suit at Filenes Basement for $100 and the catering cost all of $1600 and was wonderful. So for $2000, we had the wedding of our dreams without all the pomp. We have the loveliest memories from that day.

I would go - relax and get to know your future daughter in law. Have a nice day out, lunch, etc. It sounds like she needs a loving mother figure in her life since hers is absent from reality. Hugs~

 

[DammitJanet]

Well, seeing what you have said about the brides family sort of changes things.

What does difficult child and this girl do for employment? Can they afford any sort of regular wedding or is this going to have to be something you all have fun doing yourselves? Probably the latter would be best anyway so they dont go into debt.

There is a national chain for wedding dresses that has them starting at $99 but I cant remember the name. Is it Michaels? Maybe. Of course, renting a tux is the best option if they want a tux. I assume he would want his twin as best man.

A good way to get photos of the wedding if you cant afford a photographer is for you to get a couple of people with a digital camera and someone with a video camera to do it at the wedding so you get plenty of separate pics to choose from. Then also put disposable cameras on tables or around the reception and ask people to take plenty of shots and leave the cameras in a box as they leave. You can develop those and see what the pictures are on them and choose which pics are the best ones for your album.

Ship to me and I will make you a CD.

 

[DDD]

It's possible, isn't it, that the future bride wants someone clean and sober to be at her side when she chooses her gown? If it were me (and I do not have a daughter in law who thinks I'm perfect, lol) I would have an honest talk with either your son or the bride to be. I'd tell him/her that it is a thrill to be asked along on the shopping trip but you are not familiar with US wedding procedures and would like to know what, if anything, is expected from you other than emotional support.

I may be wrong but it seems logical that you should nicely ask. The response may be "it should be fun and we want you to share in the decision making" or "we are hoping you will contribute toward the gown".
Once you know the answer you can commit with-o fear.

One thing I have learned after four family weddings, each one has a different agenda and idea of what is right for them. Chances are they won't be bashful. Good luck. DDD

 

[ThreeShadows]

Boy, you ladies are a wealth of information about so many different things. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you take the time to talk me down from the ladder of pessimism (which leads to the noose of doom, LOL!) I need to reexamine my trust issues concerning both difficult children.