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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 579469"><p>Wake -- I 've read some of your posts and I haven't responded or introduced myself - I apologize. It's my crazy time at work and I wanted to write a heartfelt, welcoming post and do it "right" and I put it off and best intentions...mea culpa.</p><p></p><p>Hang tough. You need to remember that there is nothing you could do to change him. You had only two choices - accept him and his behavior or stand up for your values and draw a line in the sand and speak up for YOU.</p><p></p><p>It's so hard; because we are all searching for that 3rd choice - which is -- GET THROUGH TO HIM. But sadly, that choice is not on the table. It's just not available right now. So you either ignore yourself and accept him for who he is now and his ill behavior and give him the tools to continue the ill behavior, enabling his bad choices, or you stand up and say " no more, what you are doing is WRONG, and I am not going to be a part of it." At times like yours, I used to remind myself often "if you don't stand for something; you will fall for anything." I struggled so long with the idea that "fix him" was not on the table. I had to choose between looking the other way and enabling him or saying enough is enough. Broke my heart. It hurts, hurt then, hurts now, typing it here even hurts. I get it.</p><p></p><p>And now I am going to sound harsh - and please know I am posting this with great empathy.</p><p></p><p>Move forward. One foot in front of the other. You need to stop engaging him - especially by text - because that is just going to prolong the push and pull you keep getting stuck in. I too had that issue and i read and re-read the CD boards "phrases to detach" until I got the gist. It's really hard to detach, hard to say these things without feeling flippant or glib - but honestly - they do pay off. You can't change him; you have to change your reactions - especially if you want to stop getting stuck in old patterns. By using a phrase to detach, you are acknowledging what your difficult child has stated without dismissing it - yet you are refusing to engage on the subject or get dragged in. Think of your text exchange above and sub a few of the phrases for your responses. Just food for thought.</p><p>Here are the famous phrases to detach:</p><p></p><p><em>How do you think you should cope with that?</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." </em></p><p></p><p><em>"That sounds like an interesting idea."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"Good for you, honey!"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"How are you handling that?"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"How does he/she feel?"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"That must make you feel good."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"That must make you feel bad."</em></p><p></p><p><em>"How does that make you feel?"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"What's your opinion?"</em></p><p></p><p><em>"I'm so sorry, honey."</em></p><p></p><p>Again, I have so much empathy for where you are. No judgment, my heart aches for you. It's awful. I get it. </p><p></p><p>Most importantly: <strong>You did not fail your son; you did not fail as a parent.</strong>..</p><p></p><p>I read this in a book (or maybe saw it here?) right after my difficult child left and I copied and pasted it into my journal because it spoke to me<em>. </em><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>" It is possible to be a devoted and conscientious parent and still have it go badly. You can do everything right and your child can still grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped you'd have. You can do everything right, and your child may still end up with a drug problem that costs you thousands of dollars and endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child may still choose the kind of friends or partners that you never imagined she would have chosen because these people seem so lost and are dragging your child into losing more. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to launch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented or possessing an IQ that most people would kill for.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I hope you find some peace tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 579469"] Wake -- I 've read some of your posts and I haven't responded or introduced myself - I apologize. It's my crazy time at work and I wanted to write a heartfelt, welcoming post and do it "right" and I put it off and best intentions...mea culpa. Hang tough. You need to remember that there is nothing you could do to change him. You had only two choices - accept him and his behavior or stand up for your values and draw a line in the sand and speak up for YOU. It's so hard; because we are all searching for that 3rd choice - which is -- GET THROUGH TO HIM. But sadly, that choice is not on the table. It's just not available right now. So you either ignore yourself and accept him for who he is now and his ill behavior and give him the tools to continue the ill behavior, enabling his bad choices, or you stand up and say " no more, what you are doing is WRONG, and I am not going to be a part of it." At times like yours, I used to remind myself often "if you don't stand for something; you will fall for anything." I struggled so long with the idea that "fix him" was not on the table. I had to choose between looking the other way and enabling him or saying enough is enough. Broke my heart. It hurts, hurt then, hurts now, typing it here even hurts. I get it. And now I am going to sound harsh - and please know I am posting this with great empathy. Move forward. One foot in front of the other. You need to stop engaging him - especially by text - because that is just going to prolong the push and pull you keep getting stuck in. I too had that issue and i read and re-read the CD boards "phrases to detach" until I got the gist. It's really hard to detach, hard to say these things without feeling flippant or glib - but honestly - they do pay off. You can't change him; you have to change your reactions - especially if you want to stop getting stuck in old patterns. By using a phrase to detach, you are acknowledging what your difficult child has stated without dismissing it - yet you are refusing to engage on the subject or get dragged in. Think of your text exchange above and sub a few of the phrases for your responses. Just food for thought. Here are the famous phrases to detach: [I]How do you think you should cope with that?[/I] [I]That is an interesting theory, I'll be happy to reconsider my point of view when the laws change"[/I] [I]"I'm so sorry this has happened again, but I am sure you will work it out. We are not going to send you any more money."[/I] [I]"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out." [/I] [I]"That sounds like an interesting idea."[/I] [I]"Good for you, honey!"[/I] [I]"How are you handling that?"[/I] [I]"How does he/she feel?"[/I] [I]"I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."[/I] [I]"I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."[/I] [I]"Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"[/I] [I]"I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."[/I] [I]"That must make you feel good."[/I] [I]"That must make you feel bad."[/I] [I]"How does that make you feel?"[/I] [I]"What's your opinion?"[/I] [I]"I'm so sorry, honey."[/I] Again, I have so much empathy for where you are. No judgment, my heart aches for you. It's awful. I get it. Most importantly: [B]You did not fail your son; you did not fail as a parent.[/B].. I read this in a book (or maybe saw it here?) right after my difficult child left and I copied and pasted it into my journal because it spoke to me[I]. [/I][I] " It is possible to be a devoted and conscientious parent and still have it go badly. You can do everything right and your child can still grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped you'd have. You can do everything right, and your child may still end up with a drug problem that costs you thousands of dollars and endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child may still choose the kind of friends or partners that you never imagined she would have chosen because these people seem so lost and are dragging your child into losing more. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to launch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented or possessing an IQ that most people would kill for. [/I] I hope you find some peace tonight. [/QUOTE]
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