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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641500" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Thanks, Susie.</p><p></p><p>You have to understand narcissism though. The people are capable of cutting people, anyone, out of their lives and not looking back. In my father's case, I have always placated him and begged and played the game before to get him to talk to me again. I won't lie. Some of it was the inheritance. It certainly was not his loving as he has never been loving. Then I started doing dialectal behavioral therapy and studies mindfulness, Wise Mind and radical acceptance to a science. I decided to set boundaries toward everyone in their interactions with me because I lived with so much abuse. You can get used to it. I WAS used to abuse. But inside a bomb was starting to light. I didn't want it anymore. I hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of meanness. I'm not perfect and I made mistakes, but I tried apologizing each time I caught it. Trust me, most of the time my DNA collection did not accept my apology, but they did make sure they felt I was 100% responsible for any altercation, which gave them the right to continue the abuse. The funny thing is, with my mom, which was way before I realized I didn't need to be abused, I even apologized for things I hadn't done, just because she said I did them. She made up something I did, I apologized for it and took 100% responsibility. Now I kind of laugh at those days. I did this all through my 20's, 30's and even my early 40s. I got better in my 40's and started to catch on as I turned 50. Sad it has to take so long.</p><p></p><p>I decided "no more from anybody." I started with 37 and it has been nothing short of at least a short-term miracle.</p><p></p><p>I am tired of being controlled by my father's money, and I don't even know what he has and it doesn't really matter. We will be fine without his money, but I'm not fine if I allow him to scream at me, yell at me, call me names, blame me for his own mistakes, and cry like a baby at 61. I'm the head of my family now and I deserve to be treated with respect...yes, mutual respect. I also have to be respectful, at least in my morality. My father has said the most horrible to things to us and never apologized to any of us. At the same time he makes absurd claims that none of us dared challenge such as, "I was a great father." (canned laughter) "I took you to Florida every year" (he never took me anywhere. Gaslighting. Making stuff up. He took my younger siblings a few times).</p><p></p><p>I have no interest in challenging his "great father" or "I took you on wonderful vacations" or "I paid for everything" (I mean, he kept a roof over our head and food on the table, but was controlling about it). I don't want to fight with anybody anymore. I also will not cut him off. I made it clear in my letter that if he wanted to contact me, I would be happy to hear from him, but that he had to talk to me with respect. I told him I wanted to make it clear that I loved him a lot. I wanted to make sure I put that in last.</p><p></p><p>Since he can't accept even a reasonable request or mild "demand" so to speak, as most personality disordered people can't, he may never call again. It is up to him. I will send him a Channukah card saying Love Pam. I am not cutting him off. I am telling him that I am tired of being abused. Last time we spoke he was literally screaming so loud that I put the phone down and everyone in the room could still hear him screaming and abusing me.</p><p></p><p>The funny thing is, nobody except people in my DNA collection abuse me like this.</p><p></p><p>Your family is who loves you for who you are, not because of DNA. At least, not in my own personal definition. My father is 90. I could have waited for him to pass away and gotten my inheritance. But I don't even want it anymore. My family will be fine without it and, as my father has been healthy and people sometimes live well into their 90's these days, I will choose peace and respect for myself over the money, if indeed he disinherits me (shrug). If he does leave this world soon, and I wish him many more healthy years, I can honestly know that the last thing he heard from me was "I love you." I carefully wrote my letter so that I would not have regrets.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again, Susiestar <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641500, member: 1550"] Thanks, Susie. You have to understand narcissism though. The people are capable of cutting people, anyone, out of their lives and not looking back. In my father's case, I have always placated him and begged and played the game before to get him to talk to me again. I won't lie. Some of it was the inheritance. It certainly was not his loving as he has never been loving. Then I started doing dialectal behavioral therapy and studies mindfulness, Wise Mind and radical acceptance to a science. I decided to set boundaries toward everyone in their interactions with me because I lived with so much abuse. You can get used to it. I WAS used to abuse. But inside a bomb was starting to light. I didn't want it anymore. I hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of meanness. I'm not perfect and I made mistakes, but I tried apologizing each time I caught it. Trust me, most of the time my DNA collection did not accept my apology, but they did make sure they felt I was 100% responsible for any altercation, which gave them the right to continue the abuse. The funny thing is, with my mom, which was way before I realized I didn't need to be abused, I even apologized for things I hadn't done, just because she said I did them. She made up something I did, I apologized for it and took 100% responsibility. Now I kind of laugh at those days. I did this all through my 20's, 30's and even my early 40s. I got better in my 40's and started to catch on as I turned 50. Sad it has to take so long. I decided "no more from anybody." I started with 37 and it has been nothing short of at least a short-term miracle. I am tired of being controlled by my father's money, and I don't even know what he has and it doesn't really matter. We will be fine without his money, but I'm not fine if I allow him to scream at me, yell at me, call me names, blame me for his own mistakes, and cry like a baby at 61. I'm the head of my family now and I deserve to be treated with respect...yes, mutual respect. I also have to be respectful, at least in my morality. My father has said the most horrible to things to us and never apologized to any of us. At the same time he makes absurd claims that none of us dared challenge such as, "I was a great father." (canned laughter) "I took you to Florida every year" (he never took me anywhere. Gaslighting. Making stuff up. He took my younger siblings a few times). I have no interest in challenging his "great father" or "I took you on wonderful vacations" or "I paid for everything" (I mean, he kept a roof over our head and food on the table, but was controlling about it). I don't want to fight with anybody anymore. I also will not cut him off. I made it clear in my letter that if he wanted to contact me, I would be happy to hear from him, but that he had to talk to me with respect. I told him I wanted to make it clear that I loved him a lot. I wanted to make sure I put that in last. Since he can't accept even a reasonable request or mild "demand" so to speak, as most personality disordered people can't, he may never call again. It is up to him. I will send him a Channukah card saying Love Pam. I am not cutting him off. I am telling him that I am tired of being abused. Last time we spoke he was literally screaming so loud that I put the phone down and everyone in the room could still hear him screaming and abusing me. The funny thing is, nobody except people in my DNA collection abuse me like this. Your family is who loves you for who you are, not because of DNA. At least, not in my own personal definition. My father is 90. I could have waited for him to pass away and gotten my inheritance. But I don't even want it anymore. My family will be fine without it and, as my father has been healthy and people sometimes live well into their 90's these days, I will choose peace and respect for myself over the money, if indeed he disinherits me (shrug). If he does leave this world soon, and I wish him many more healthy years, I can honestly know that the last thing he heard from me was "I love you." I carefully wrote my letter so that I would not have regrets. Thanks again, Susiestar :) [/QUOTE]
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