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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 641519" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>"I hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of meanness."</p><p></p><p>This is great.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have done this! It's only been since I was able to see how deeply disrespectful it is to both people in the interaction to "smooth the waters" by taking responsibility for something I did not do that I was able to stop automatically doing that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"I also have to be respectful, at least in my morality."</p><p></p><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ha! I can see your imagery so clearly here with that "canned laughter" !!!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like this because there is no anger in it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't think it is so much about the money. I see that same dynamic at work in my family.</p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing: My mom <em>and my sister</em> (from whom I would not inherit, and who is younger than I am anyway), are both very much in to who gets what and who has more and who...I am not sure how to describe it. As I read through your interpretation of what has been happening as you came into clarity regarding the underlying dynamic of your relationship with your father, I could see my own relationship to both my mom and my sister.</p><p></p><p>There is that same feeling of expectation, of "push."</p><p></p><p>I am still angry about all of it, about the waste and the meanness and the pointless hurt of it. Just lately, I am coming around to a different perspective, and find myself letting go of resentment and even, anger.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Like your sister, mine cut off the relationship (supposedly reluctantly), sometime last year. She told me then that "the Lord" would bring us back together if that was His plan, but that she had done all she could to "help" me, and was done.</p><p>Though I am not aware of anything in particular the Lord has done to change things, apparently He has, because like yours, my sister has started calling, again.</p><p></p><p>My mother is not calling.</p><p></p><p>My sister likes to call at the most unexpected times. Whether I answer or not, it sets me on edge and brings all this back up. Her message at the last call was that she loves me and is going to continue calling. It left me feeling...dominated, somehow. It would be easy enough to put it away if she would stop calling. When she does this, I feel like someone so rotten for not being who I have always been.</p><p></p><p>That's why I really like what you posted about respect.</p><p></p><p>I get that.</p><p></p><p>I am not there yet, but I get that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 641519, member: 17461"] "I hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of meanness." This is great. I have done this! It's only been since I was able to see how deeply disrespectful it is to both people in the interaction to "smooth the waters" by taking responsibility for something I did not do that I was able to stop automatically doing that. "I also have to be respectful, at least in my morality." I love this. Ha! I can see your imagery so clearly here with that "canned laughter" !!! :O) I like this because there is no anger in it. I don't think it is so much about the money. I see that same dynamic at work in my family. Here is an interesting thing: My mom [I]and my sister[/I] (from whom I would not inherit, and who is younger than I am anyway), are both very much in to who gets what and who has more and who...I am not sure how to describe it. As I read through your interpretation of what has been happening as you came into clarity regarding the underlying dynamic of your relationship with your father, I could see my own relationship to both my mom and my sister. There is that same feeling of expectation, of "push." I am still angry about all of it, about the waste and the meanness and the pointless hurt of it. Just lately, I am coming around to a different perspective, and find myself letting go of resentment and even, anger. *** Like your sister, mine cut off the relationship (supposedly reluctantly), sometime last year. She told me then that "the Lord" would bring us back together if that was His plan, but that she had done all she could to "help" me, and was done. Though I am not aware of anything in particular the Lord has done to change things, apparently He has, because like yours, my sister has started calling, again. My mother is not calling. My sister likes to call at the most unexpected times. Whether I answer or not, it sets me on edge and brings all this back up. Her message at the last call was that she loves me and is going to continue calling. It left me feeling...dominated, somehow. It would be easy enough to put it away if she would stop calling. When she does this, I feel like someone so rotten for not being who I have always been. That's why I really like what you posted about respect. I get that. I am not there yet, but I get that. Cedar . [/QUOTE]
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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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