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The elephant in the room for all with abusive relatives
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641778" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, I didn't realize how horrible it was until I distanced myself because I was used to her. And when I was still in contact with my brother, who adored her, and my sister, who kissed her backside to have a relationship with her, they really looked upon her with fondness so I thought it was ME. I had to detach from the DNA crew before I could clear my head.</p><p></p><p>I learned to detach in a very odd way and I will share it. I love our sharing sessions. Reminds me of pajama parties when I was little and we girls shared which boy we liked, although, of course, this is a much more serious topic. Maybe others who read this can learn from it and get out of Dodge earlier than we did. I hope so.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, just before I turned forty I met a man of fifty who liked me. I wasn't all that nuts about him, but I kept talking to him because he said things that were novel and shocking to me, such as he didn't talk to his sister and that it didn't upset him not to talk to her. I was flabbergasted and wanted to know how he could NOT CARE. When my sister put me on cut off, I was chastised and saddened and felt so guilty because, of course, she did it because I was so horrible. So how could he not care? He also added that he does this to anyone who is toxic to him (his word...toxic). He had my interest. I listened.</p><p></p><p>Apparently his sister had been treating him like a piece of trash since the early years. She would make him the butt of jokes at family gatherings and nobody stopped her. In fact, everyone would laugh and if he didn't join in the laughter, he was a "poor sport" and his family got on his case for being crabby. Wow. I asked if he would ever talk to her again. He shrugged. I asked if he missed her. He said, "Not at all." I asked him about the rest of his family. He said he was close to his mother, who stuck up for him and was kind to him, and his twin brother, same deal, but did not go to family events that included anyone else. He did not see his sister, his uncles, his cousins, anyone else in the family. He had a slight speech impediment and apparently they thought this was fodder for hilarious jokes at dinner, but this man didn't agree so he ate elsewhere or just stayed by himself. He was very fine about being alone, which he said was better than being with people who weren't nice. to him.</p><p></p><p>He did it to friends who turned out to be not-so-friends too, but mostly it was his family.</p><p></p><p>It took me six months of dating this man in a mostly friendly way to get it into my head that he wasn't horrible for shunning his family and family events. He was SMART. He was certainly a lot happier at Christmas than I was!</p><p></p><p>He was the first person I'd ever met who admitted to me they shunned and didn't even like most of their family. He was bold enough to tell me he didn't even "I don't like them, but I love them." He said he did not love his abusers. They could die tomorrow and he wouldn't care. Now I am not that type of thinker, but he was. He didn't WISH them dead, but just admitted that he honestly wouldn't miss them as they were a source of trauma to him before he'd left them.</p><p></p><p>This is where I finally got the message that if somebody is mean to me, even my own mother, it is ok not to talk to her. I was brainwashed into thinking, like most people, that YOU are HORRIBLE if you shun your own parents and siblings, after all THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD! If they got sick in their old age, I had to wipe their you-know-whats even if they were still swearing at me and had treated me like the stuff I was wiping all of my life. I thought it was my duty as a daughter to always make sure I was looking after them, even if they didn't look after me or my kids. Even if they'd abused me. I realize now that was just more brainwashing. Society is slow to change.</p><p></p><p>I always wondered what that meant...THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD. They aren't. We are all separate people.</p><p></p><p>So what if we share DNA? We have to love one another? We have to talk? We are somehow diminished as people if we don't?</p><p></p><p>Nonsense.</p><p></p><p>We all have a right to demand respect from everyone we know as long as we respect them back. That includes the sperm donor, the womb, the accidents of those who spent time in the same womb who were created by the same sperm donor. That includes Dad and Mom's womb-sharers. That includes anyone who is horrible to us.</p><p></p><p>Of course, many choose to put up with it. We are so brainwashed that family is everything, which is a big lie. It certainly may be to some, maybe many people, but it does not apply universally. If other people crave the love of their DNA haters, let them. I have learned on my journey that this is so insignicant. Most of those I love with all my heart and soul are not DNA related to me. And there's nothing wrong with that. Those we value the most and those dearest to our hearts, in my opinion, SHOULD be the ones who feel the same about us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641778, member: 1550"] Cedar, I didn't realize how horrible it was until I distanced myself because I was used to her. And when I was still in contact with my brother, who adored her, and my sister, who kissed her backside to have a relationship with her, they really looked upon her with fondness so I thought it was ME. I had to detach from the DNA crew before I could clear my head. I learned to detach in a very odd way and I will share it. I love our sharing sessions. Reminds me of pajama parties when I was little and we girls shared which boy we liked, although, of course, this is a much more serious topic. Maybe others who read this can learn from it and get out of Dodge earlier than we did. I hope so. Anyway, just before I turned forty I met a man of fifty who liked me. I wasn't all that nuts about him, but I kept talking to him because he said things that were novel and shocking to me, such as he didn't talk to his sister and that it didn't upset him not to talk to her. I was flabbergasted and wanted to know how he could NOT CARE. When my sister put me on cut off, I was chastised and saddened and felt so guilty because, of course, she did it because I was so horrible. So how could he not care? He also added that he does this to anyone who is toxic to him (his word...toxic). He had my interest. I listened. Apparently his sister had been treating him like a piece of trash since the early years. She would make him the butt of jokes at family gatherings and nobody stopped her. In fact, everyone would laugh and if he didn't join in the laughter, he was a "poor sport" and his family got on his case for being crabby. Wow. I asked if he would ever talk to her again. He shrugged. I asked if he missed her. He said, "Not at all." I asked him about the rest of his family. He said he was close to his mother, who stuck up for him and was kind to him, and his twin brother, same deal, but did not go to family events that included anyone else. He did not see his sister, his uncles, his cousins, anyone else in the family. He had a slight speech impediment and apparently they thought this was fodder for hilarious jokes at dinner, but this man didn't agree so he ate elsewhere or just stayed by himself. He was very fine about being alone, which he said was better than being with people who weren't nice. to him. He did it to friends who turned out to be not-so-friends too, but mostly it was his family. It took me six months of dating this man in a mostly friendly way to get it into my head that he wasn't horrible for shunning his family and family events. He was SMART. He was certainly a lot happier at Christmas than I was! He was the first person I'd ever met who admitted to me they shunned and didn't even like most of their family. He was bold enough to tell me he didn't even "I don't like them, but I love them." He said he did not love his abusers. They could die tomorrow and he wouldn't care. Now I am not that type of thinker, but he was. He didn't WISH them dead, but just admitted that he honestly wouldn't miss them as they were a source of trauma to him before he'd left them. This is where I finally got the message that if somebody is mean to me, even my own mother, it is ok not to talk to her. I was brainwashed into thinking, like most people, that YOU are HORRIBLE if you shun your own parents and siblings, after all THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD! If they got sick in their old age, I had to wipe their you-know-whats even if they were still swearing at me and had treated me like the stuff I was wiping all of my life. I thought it was my duty as a daughter to always make sure I was looking after them, even if they didn't look after me or my kids. Even if they'd abused me. I realize now that was just more brainwashing. Society is slow to change. I always wondered what that meant...THEY ARE YOUR BLOOD. They aren't. We are all separate people. So what if we share DNA? We have to love one another? We have to talk? We are somehow diminished as people if we don't? Nonsense. We all have a right to demand respect from everyone we know as long as we respect them back. That includes the sperm donor, the womb, the accidents of those who spent time in the same womb who were created by the same sperm donor. That includes Dad and Mom's womb-sharers. That includes anyone who is horrible to us. Of course, many choose to put up with it. We are so brainwashed that family is everything, which is a big lie. It certainly may be to some, maybe many people, but it does not apply universally. If other people crave the love of their DNA haters, let them. I have learned on my journey that this is so insignicant. Most of those I love with all my heart and soul are not DNA related to me. And there's nothing wrong with that. Those we value the most and those dearest to our hearts, in my opinion, SHOULD be the ones who feel the same about us. [/QUOTE]
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