The final vestige of hope is gone

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Dec 22, 2012.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yesterday I saw my granddaughter's Psychologist who told me that she was not in need of any therapy at this point. She said my granddaughter was "very strong and very resilient." So, at this point, my granddaughter can call the psychologist if she needs to talk to her, otherwise she's released from therapy. She only went a few times, I wanted her evaluated to make sure she was on the right track and if she needed someone to talk to other then us, that was available to her. She's had quite a bit of therapy over the years. This was incredibly good news, hearing from a professional that my granddaughter was in such good shape, removed a weight off of my shoulders and it felt good.

    The other night my granddaughter shared some text messages she had received from her Mom. They were horrible examples of her Mom's cruel treatment of her own daughter by name calling, blame, lack of any responsibility for her bad behavior and a bloated and unrealistic sense of being right. It was hard to hear. My granddaughter had not shared any of this with me so as "not to hurt my feelings" these text messages were old. My SO, granddaughter and I had a long talk about my difficult child. I began shaping a different point of view about my difficult child, one that wasn't a pretty picture. MY SO and granddaughter pointed out that my difficult child has some investment in my NOT seeing the whole picture. Interesting. So with my own inability to see the whole truth through my fogged up Mom glasses and my difficult child's commitment to keep me in the dark, looks like we've had a very unclear picture of the truth going on here.

    On Wednesday evening I shared all of this with my therapy group. I got some interesting feedback which I'm still mulling over. The therapist said she thought I had too high an expectation of my difficult child; another mother shared that she thought my difficult child was very smart and very manipulative; I listened intently to what everyone said.

    I talked to my SO about all of this, he told me that with all I've done it hasn't changed any behaviors of my difficult child, she hasn't availed herself to any of the help I spent so much time setting up for her. All her bills are beginning to pile up once again, it's just all about the same as it was a year ago. The only difference is that over the last year I've been doing so much work to change ME, to shift my responses and little by little I do feel so much better. This last go round with the local cops stopping her, my immediate emotionally charged response to that, my granddaughter telling me another disturbing piece of this puzzle, my groups pointing out information to me..................I can see that I had hope that if all was lost, my difficult child would rise to the occasion, would get a job, would begin the process of moving ahead,............ but over the last few days, that hope has died. I have another level of acceptance to allow in, my difficult child is where she is and she may not only stay at this below survival level, she may in fact go to jail or end up on the street. I guess I really didn't want to face all of that again, but that is the reality. She won't do anything to change and I've stopped trying for her. So now the ugly truth has arrived and I have to accept this too. It is what it is.

    The positive news about my granddaughter helps me to put the focus on her and how well she is doing. I have a sense that after Christmas comes and goes, (I invited my difficult child, so we'll see if she comes or not, I never know what she will do) I will have really let this new level of acceptance and the loss of any hope for change that that will be my new normal. Right now it's still all a little raw and odd. Yet somehow, oddly, letting go of that final hope is somewhat liberating, that hope kept me embroiled in the quagmire of my difficult child's life, like feels like I pulled my last limb out of it now........sigh............
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Your granddaughter is a true blessing in the middle of a very difficult situation.

    I suppose one could say until a person is not breathing there is always hope but the question is if you can, should, whatever (I dont know the right words, sorry) be invested in that struggle. I have no idea how that would feel. I get clues about how it could feel...though not the same I realize so I would never presume to understand your struggle....when my feelings change even when I know of my son's neurological issues, when one is mistreated it is only human to detach in some way. I have fleeting thoughts of not wanting to care or hope, just put him somewhere and let the chips fall where they may. Those are normal thoughts I believe (when I talk to myself as if I was a friend going through that, that is what I come up with...maybe it is a justification but it works for me). But they are survival for us when we have such life altering behavior from our kids. No matter the cause. We have to come to a place where we can live healthy lives, whether from the level of my brief dissociation from life or if we have to face truly, permanently letting go, not being the ones to work so hard and having the hope.

    Your thoughts sound painful but healthy to this inexperienced person. It must be very difficult.

    I may not be making any sense, but your post touched me, as they usually do. I just want you to know I am listening and care.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I always read your posts with personal interest as my life has been so greatly impacted by GFGmom. Like you I made sure my grandsons had regular access to a wonderful well qualified psychiatrist. easy child turned easy child/difficult child largely due to the influence of his GFGmom and later he became difficult child#1. on the other hand he has retained his kind, loving and respectful relationship with me and husband. difficult child#2 had too many years with GFGmom and although he also is a easy child with us his ongoing exposure to her likely will prevent him from ever functioning in a truly healthy way in society.

    I have spent many years separating from GFGmom after giving my all in my support efforts. Two days ago I slipped. I swore to myself (and on the Board) that I would never give her another cent. Two days ago I lent her $100 to keep the electricity going at her house. I just couldn't stand that difficult child#2 and his little sister would be again be plunged into darkness right before Christmas. The "loan" was for 24 hours. I received a text saying "sorry it will be one day late". Chances are I'll never see it. Pulling out of the quicksand is hard...especially when kids are involved. I am delighted that your sixteen year old has come to accept what is reality. I am thrilled that she is thriving and happy. I am happy for you...although I understand the piece of your heart that remains attached. Hugs DDD
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    RE - you have grown so much and worked so hard for yourself and your granddaughter. Of course, you worked hard for your difficult child, and she is making her own choices. She may well end up in jail, and that will be her own doing in spite of all you have done for her. I understand your sense of liberation and loss. I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and the best of New Years. I'm very proud of you for being a strong and good woman and mother.
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry - I didn't realize there was a whole side to difficult child's story that she was keeping from you, and that she was texting your granddaughter all kinds of awful stuff. Sigh. Just so sad...
    I'm very pleased that granddaughter is doing so well - that is a reflection of you and SO, I'm sure.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you. Your responses really touched me.

    Buddy- knowing you are listening and that you care is very important to me, your compassion and your ability to empathize soothes the ache in my heart and brings me solace, thank you.

    DDD, we share a lot with our difficult child daughters and their children who've become "ours" I would have given my difficult child the money for the electricity too, for the same reasons as well. My hope for both of us is to be completely extricated from that 'quicksand'............thank you.

    Witzend-I know that you understand my feelings of 'loss and liberation' and the empathy and kindness you offered really impacted me, thank you.

    CJ- you are always right there with a kind word and the right thing to say, it means a lot to me that you understand how this is for me. Thank you.

    There is something almost magical in reading the responses to my posts, that feeling of connection, acceptance and understanding which can be missing 'out there' because others are not here in this boat, in this odd world of gfgness. I don't know any of you personally and yet to read your words acknowledging my feelings and really getting it, deep down, helps in very important and meaningful ways for me to take a deep breath and say, okay, I am not alone, I can carry on, I can accept this. Thank you all so much. You all mean a lot to me...............I hope the holidays bring you peace and love......
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so very sad to think of all this. On the one hand I can sort of understand how your daughter has kept some of her life away from you simply because she didnt want you to know what was going on but then again to text her own daughter who you were raising just raises it to a completely incomprehensible level to me. I dont know how you get past that.

    I kept much of my life from my father. I dont think he ever knew I was diagnosed with any mental health diagnosis. At least I never told him and I dont think my mom knew. She was too far into her alzheimers at that point to understand it by that time and I never found any letters she wrote to him about it and I think I would have. At that point in time I think he would have assumed she was completely delusional anyway.

    He did know about my physical stuff but even that I tended to under-play. We both did with each other. We tended to not want to worry the other one. Of course he wasnt taking care of my kids and I wasnt depending on him to bail me out of jail or support me. I just wanted him to think well of me. I felt at his age he didnt need to worry about his grown child. If there was a true need, he would know.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry, RE. I think you will find this growth path almost as hard as living with a difficult child is. It is still a roller coaster. Maybe a little bit less hilly, but there are always ups and downs. I think us warrior moms are always on a up or down hill in life. It is a cross, but I don't think any of us would change it to not have our difficult children in our lives. Well, some days it feels like we would, but truthfully, we love our babies and always will. Even if we can't make them what we want them to be. Super Holiday hugs to you!!!