The fish is on the counter

[susiestar]

I totally DITTO what Star said. Have you ever thought about WHY you keep putting up with this treatment and lack of respect?

My mother once went on a week long business trip after having cleaned the entire house, top to bottom. The ONLY thing she did not clean up was the mess from gfgbro baking bread the day before she left. I was ordered not to touch it, that HE had to clean it.

It was still there, all moldy, when she returned. She took ALL of it, with the pile of moldy flour on the bread board, and put it on his bed. She rubbed his pillow into that moldy bowl and dumped the flour inside it. He started to have a rage when he found it. Boy o boy did she knock that out of him.

I have always remembered that, and it may be time for you to make a giant statement like that to your husband. The way he is treating you is truly awful. I am so sorry he is behaving so immaturely.

 

[Shari]

Why do I put up with it? Because he wasn't this way before.

And booting him would hurt Wee.

But I will if that's what needs to happen, because he's also teaching cgfg and Wee how men treat women, and lemme tell ya girls, this lesson isn't flying.

 

[Star*]

Shari -

I'm in no way ---NO WAY - telling you to throw him out, or telling you to leave. I do not (repeat) DO NOT - advocate divorce. No one should ever get married thinking - "well I hope this lasts." I also can understand the sheer and utter frustration of growing apart over time, over life, over children, over family, over non-communication, over age, lack of common interest, and a score of other things in your lives - your's and his. Marriage is not just one sided or two-sided. Every relationship is three sided - so is every situation, disagreement and solution. There is always going to be the way YOU see things, the way HE sees things and the way the REST of the world sees it. In turn there is always going to be the way YOU would like to have a particular problem solved, He would like it solved and how it COULD be solved. Finding a happy medium when one of you is the only one searching for middle ground, or when only one of you perceives a situation AS a problem and creates another problem is entirely another situation all together. So in trying to solve these things we seek out the 'normal' first - which is hoping someone will just notice that something they do makes us uncomfortable. This is done by all of us in different ways - and believe me after having a difficult child levels of tolerance is 0-60 for each person so differently it amazes me still. See what bugs me? May not necessarily bug you - and vise-versa. This is what makes reality shows so popular. We like seeing outrageous behavior in others because it gives us a chance to sit back and say "Isn't she ridiculous? I'd do this or I'd do that." It's easy to be an armchair diagnosis-er from 1000 miles away. Like with your hubby? For me? Well - I'm not kidding about the fish parts - I'd have put them right on the bed, and have. (not fish but junk I had had it up to here with when MY personal tolerance level had been reached because I felt I had 1.) given that look, exhaled, rolled my eyes, enough 2.) Done the Honey - could you please take this stuff outside to your shop and put it in your very expensive, you must have it from Snap-On or you will just DIE, so I sacrificed getting a new car that year and for the next how many years after? too box and now you leave your tools where? -- OH H no!!!! and finally 3.) Tersley reminding him daily for like a freakin' week - THESE need to go in that nice NEW FORD SUV parked in the drive - OH OH wait - we didn't get that - we got a SNAP ON TOOL BOX IN THE GARAGE FOR YOU TO PUT THESE IN DIDN"T WE ----nope, nope you are not dead.... and finally 4.) Kicked them out of the way with each pass then in a desperate attempt at female showmanship 5.) IN HIS BED THEY WENT AND VOILA - COVERS OVER THEM.....and HOW INCONVENIENT FOR YOU IS THAT MR.? DO YOU GET MY DRIFT??? LETS GO OUT TO THE GARAGE NOW RIGHT NOW...YES AT 11: PM....NOW....I CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE.....and ........by the time I was done - with it all - the ONLY one that felt like an ass and had stressed myself out for weeks was .....
me.

So when the tools don't get put away after that? I just pick them up - and put them away and I would get a thank you at first - and then? Then nothing. Then THAT frosted my cheerios. But I either put them away or I upset myself and wasted my time....thinking and plotting of ways to make him "suffer' over those things which he seemed doomed not to care about as much as me. So HOW do I make him care? Ahhhhh well....ya don't.

So either I can bend and not care about where he leaves his tools......or I can start to make choices for myself. (and in the mean time? Better my life, use my time wisely, learn, earn, put back, save....and prepare - make goals for myself) See I have done the "Can we talk?" talks in the past and for a while? He changes, but habits are habits and after a period of what I call - "OH she's off my back." He goes right back to being himself. I don't think it's anything he does to go out of his way to make me angry, and that's something I have to choose to either live with or not. Like your fish on the counter.

With my ex - it was like bricks in a wall. Each greivance he committed against me, each abusive word, or act? Was a brick. Eventually I had a brick wall so high and so wide and so thick that I couldn't reach high enough to put one more brick up on the very, very top no matter how hard I stretched to try to make it work....to get that brick up there, and the last greivance I had against him? I found myself trying to make that brick get up there and heaved it up there with all my might hoping somehow it would get up there ---and it went up. Then just as hard as it went up? It came down and hit me right in the head rendering me dang near unconscious. When I woke up? That's when I realized I couldn't do "IT" anymore. I couldn't take him anymore. I couldn't take the lies, the cheating, the no helping, the stealing, the beating, the everything - understand? Everything about him repulsed me so much....each time I had asked and begged him to help ME....to stop this or that or to listen to what upset ME? It was another brick in MY wall....my wall between us. And eventually that wall was so large? I couldn't see him, hear him, or care anything about him - and when I asked for a divorce? It was him that was amazed - it was HIM that cried NO NO please....don't, I can change....and I. DID. NOT. CARE. I really ----Did not care. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see him. His tears went unnoticed, and it was almost laughable to see him cry. Almost. I was just barely human and had a twinge of compassion as I left the garage - listening to his sobs. ----fainter and fainter '''I can change....I can change." I literally felt evil as I laughed when I pulled out of the drive. But I didn't care. He had his time to change - every time I said "Can we talk, would you please? Can we work on this? Would you help me? I need you to.....and those things went unanswered....or I was ignored, beaten or just left to figure it out on my own - always." I think what he used to say to me was "You'll figure it out - you're smart or Toughen up, deal with it."

I did start counseling - 1 1/2 years before I made the decision to walk in that garage that day and say "I want a divorce." Dude was 3 1/2. And yeah - I know, I know - your hubby isn't beating you and all that jazz....and in your mind even to say he's emotionally abusing you is a stretch - but I think what you need to ask yourself is "Do I have a relationship or am I just sharing a house and bill payments with someone? Do I want to fix how unhappy I am? Does he?" I told you before this is an interesting cycle you go through with him. Every X amount of months or so this comes around and over the last few years it's more frequent. So this says to me (complete outsider) Yeah (nodding) something has changed in him. He's a good man. When you married him - there was spark, passion, romance....love, desire. I'd have to say it was the same for him - doesn't sound to me like he's the kind of guy to marry just to be married. So...I'd want to know from his point what has changed for him? How to you fix it? How do you find out how to get back to spark, passion, romance, love...desire? (I don't want to know personally - (makes icky face ewwwww) but Know what I mean?? and if he won't go right away? YOU GO. Seek counseling and keep going - for yourself, for your marriage. Dont tell me you don't have time. Designate a chore and GO. WOMAN. !

I was just sitting here thinking too - maybe not such a good idea to put fish parts on his side of the bed when ya'll live on a farm either.....cuz the repercussions of a war could get rather ugly. You put down a fin and a tail.....he puts down a horse apple in your pillow case, you place a cow patty in his boot, he sticks a fish head in your coffee cup.....and so on ......then again you could replace said fish fin with love note....sticky notes are on sale at Staples this week for back to school specials and they are oh so much more fun to get back than horseapples. (swear) -

For what it's worth dear - Get into some counseling. For yourself. It helped me more than I could ever say. (I'm near normal and due to be released from happyville any day now) But all kidding aside. I hope you figure out what's bugging both of you - and I don't think he's ----no I KNOW he's not going to come out and tell you because I don't think he even knows.

Just wanted to clarify that - ----that and I luv ya. It'll be okay.
Hugs and more hugs....and pink ponies....
Star

 

[Shari]

I got the fishheads picked up (because he got hungry, and he had to clean them up in order to cook shrimp). Then the shrimp got picked up...kinda. Then I spent a day looking for a new truck, and realized that my criteria for buying a new truck were A) something he wasn't likely to tear up because he drives things VERY hard (ie his last truck? 3 motors and 2 transmissions...a car that he waited til the oil light came on to add oil instead of checking it and blew the head gaskets...I think I have basis for my conculsion here that he's hard on stuff), B) what's cheapest to fix if he does tear it up, and C) something I can afford. His criteria are A) 4dr, B) horsepower, C) 4wd, D) nice.
***
And I realized, we have problems. BIG ones. And I thought back to when...
* I had a small tranny leak in my truck and I was babying it along, and he took it garage saling and it was low on fluid and the tranny was just slipping and slipping and slipping, and instead of stopping and putting fluid in it, I hear him from 100 yards down the highway, revving it, trying to make it go, grinding down the trans that I was working my butt off to avoid having to replace...
* a recent trip with a friend, and the friend asked him what kind of gas mileage the car got, and he said he didn't know and he didn't care, he doesn't bother with such things, its a waste of his time...he puts gas in it and doesn't worry about it til its empty again (not my perception of what he does, this is what he told the friend) (and, again, easy child 1 and I can drive my truck 700 miles on a tank of fuel...husband is lucky to get 300 out of the same tank).
* the time that he took the team and buggy out on a major 4 lane highway with heavy semi traffic, and I expressed concern because we didn't have insurance on them at the time and the horses had never been exposed to all that, and he looked at me and said they were his and he was gonna do whatever the he__ he wanted to with them
* easy child 1 and I moving the cattle on Father's day weekend, and husband being mad because we "took over" HIS farm chore
* how the Broom's constantly refer to the place where we live as HIS and only HIS
* all the times he tells people he "just committed the time" to his horse to break it, usually implying that mine isn't up to his standards
* the fact that I bought a car to keep him from driving my truck after he blew up the trans in his truck, and then the motor in MY car
* only when his work started direct depositing his paycheck did he start contributing for said car and that was only because I just started taking the money out, which I know he's not happy about it
* and oh yeah, did I mention the rear end in my truck SHATTERED after he spent 3 days pulling hay for the Brooms in it...?
* And then Wee, who's latest thing to be stuck on is touching you and saying "tag, you're it", reached over from one chair to the other and touched husband and said "tag, you're it" and husband responded with a raised fist, and yelled "I'll tag you", and then defended himself to me by saying "but Wee's annoying".

And then I wonder exactly where I fit into this picture with him.
***
Oh yeah...there's some bricks being put up.
***
And when the fish hit the fan Saturday night, I was fully prepared for him to walk, and I wouldn't have stopped him.
***
He has spent the time since picking up, kinda. He still got in 6 hours of tv yesterday, but he did help in between. He made koolaid and spilled about 1/2 cup on the counter. While he's perched in front of the tube, an hour after he'd spilled it, I noticed it and cleaned it up, and he yelled at me for doing it cause "he'd get to it". Last weekend, I cleaned out 3 coolers that he'd put beer in to go somewhere then never took it out. Two+ cases of beer I threw away because it had been in a hot cooler for, some of it, up to 3 months. He bought another case last weekend and put it in the cooler to take to a party, and its still sitting in the driveway. I asked him 3 times yesterday to not let that beer go to waste because its too expensive. At 11 last night, while I am painting a sign to earn extra money to pay for the new thousand dollar rear-end in my truck so we can go on our 2 annual camping trips starting on Wednesday, he gets out of his recliner and yells at me that he'll go get that F____ing beer now, and when he does, he throws the cooler lid out in the yard. I had a bottle of apple wine in the cooler among his 24 cans of beer, and he comes in and yells that he had to pick up my wine, too, and stomped off to bed.
***
I'm not perfect, and I've asked him what I need to do to help the situation, but he says I'm not doing anything wrong. I know he wants me to be "more fun" like I used to be. And I'd like to be, but it can't just be play play play...5 years ago, we had a slightly abnormal toddler, and I thought I had a hope of not being outright hated by his family...today we have a full blown drastically delayed child that consumes a huge amount of our life, his parents' assumption that our place is part of their personal farming endevor has caused a huge rift between them and the ex-in-law's, there is no way in hades that the in-laws will ever accept me, let alone like me, which is ok, I really don't care, but it does make things more difficult with husband. Add to that he's just waiting for them to keel so he can have "his" farm (don't even get me started on that....) and has no desire to work towards something of our own, and a sudden realization that our goals aren't even in the same solar system right now, and, well, yeah....here we are.
***
He used to help me. Now he couldn't care less. I love him. But I can't live like this. I can't afford to just run about with wreckless abandon. I can't do it all myself (I've tried - still trying - that car that I bought? Had it since November - never changed the oil yet), and I can't live in a home that is utterly filthy and watch a man sit in front of a screen for hours on end and not care. He gripes about his parents' home and farm and all of their useless junk, yet he is turning our place into one that looks just like it.
***
So I'd come to the counseling conclusion on my own. Been before. Going back again. Maybe I can figure out why I seem to turn men into useless piles of goo that must photosynthesize in front of a tv...

 

[Star*]

Shari -

Honey YOU don't TURN .......ANYONE into ANYTHING. THEY do that all on their own. Just like you - No one has MADE you be anything - no one, you allowed yourself to (fill in the blank) and some things you did because either you felt you had to, or you didn't know you didn't have to and that's where frustration sets in. (oh do I know) because we ALL do it to some varying degrees, and then we get counseling, and start anew and life is great and then we have the world by a string and then as time goes by it seems our lives become a blend of the old and what we learn new.....and it's like 2 steps forward one step back. (make sense?) - I don't think I'd look at it as a failure - but a learning process. In my case? The excuse I made for nearly 4 years was Dude needs two parents - not even Dude needs a Dad. I worried about the collateral damage so much I stayed. Now look at that idgeet. I could just throttle him. I can't say keeping him from his Dad did no good - but in my case keeping ME from him did. I got on with my life. Sometimes you have to just be a little selfish and say "I'm going to do this for me this time."

I too had inlaws that hated me - OMG did they hate me. I tried everything I could to fit in - and it sounds like we're very similar in our wants to 'please' and fit in....but after so many years of "HE", "HIM", "NOT YOU", it just kinda builds up and eventually like you say - couldn't care less. By the time they do figure out that they made a huge mistake excluding you? It's too late for you - and unless you're somewhere close to St. hood? Forgiveness isn't even a part of the picture. I mean when I found out my ex mother in law's own kids ran her over with her own mini-van and they all covered for her and told this elaborate story to the police? I just couldn't even tell you that I shed a tear or was in shock - it was almost ironic - for all the years she saw me in and out of the ICU and even beaten unreckognizable? She threatened me with "THIS family solves it's own problems and we don't call the police - ever! You got that?" I mean - it was as if I counted for less than nothing...I had broken bones in my face, hands, ribs -missing teeth - and swollen eyes and she's telling me no police? ---So yeah I understand about getting to that point and not caring about them. Since then? I've found a way to forgive and move on - wasn't easy - and certainly didn't do it for any of them. I did it for my own peace of mind and soul. You will too eventually.

As far as he goes? Well - (exhale sigh) Girlfriend - I can't say what to do.....It's more than obvious you have been miserable for so long. I think the money I earned from that sign? I'd pocket. Camping trip would be the last thing on my mind. That's more work than you need, and you're the only one I ever hear that pitches in to do it all - I'd take that money and put it back for my rainy day fund. (start one) . I don't think a smaller day camping trip would kill anyone.

As far as the beer and his coolers and this taking care of all his forgotten stuff? -----Why don't you forget about it? He's a grown man - beer is not essential part of life. So if he leaves 3 coolers to rot in the sun....they rot. I'd be hanged if I'd go out in the drive and do a thing about it. Not being mean - just being grown up. Let the man do for himself. Can't tell you how many other couples in the world DO NOT share vehicles (raises hand) Um.....remember DF wrecked my SUV? Then I put a motor in my then 14 year old SUV without AC.....and now it's 20 years old and the last time he drove it? OMG he ripped the seat, and his buddy burned my cup holder because he SMOKED IN IT (OH that's okay just roll the window down) OH H NO IT ISN'T I DON"T SMOKE....and someone had better take their kiester to the junkyard THIS WEEK by XX and get me a replacement console....I mean it's bad enough - the windows don't go down - (I bought another SUV same year to get the motors out of and well - he said he could do it and can't) so there it sits in the back yard - nice) and FINALLY my son replaced the headliner. OH Man 1/2 the clips are broken -"DEAL WITH IT MOM". and then I got a replacement Compressor - and That nearly killed him and his buddy - trying to put that in because there was trash in the system so I won't EVER have an ac - and now I dont' have a window washer fluid holder - (they took the one out of the 2nd SUV cause the old one had a crack and this one got flying metal in it and is now laying on the ground in the drive) and do you think I'l pickin' it up? OH NO MAaaaaam. Sucker's been there for 4 months. I left it as a reminder he has no mechanical abilities.


So SOME things - you have to be willing to be blind-eyed to-----and then there are those times you just have to be a mean woman and say "MY CAR?" MY CAR? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ------(sounding like Snoopy on Peanuts) hahaha....hahhahahahaha......hahahahahah) and look at him and keep laughing all the way out the door while dropping your keys in your bra.....hahahaah...........adding MY CAR HATES YOU......hahaha.

she does too ---------

hahahahaha.........

Hang in there kiddo........get a plan......get back in counseling.......get yourself some goals........and work towards them. FOR YOURSELF. HUGS.

 

[Shari]

I vividly recall when Df drove your truck, Star... lol Oh yes, I recall. And yeah, I'm about there. Except my husband has a degree in auto mechanics and won't even change the oil. He did put brake pads on that car, but it took him 4 nights.

In the past, I'd blow up my top, then get back to dealin'. I'm not sure I can get back to dealin' anymore. I just feel like I have taken on so many things that need to be done, and the more I pick up, the more he watches tv or plays internet checkers, which just, to me, is...disrespectful. As is how I take a lot of this stuff, like my time isn't worth anything more than cleaning up fishheads. And I'm getting angry. Really, really angry.

If his parents died today and he inherited his precious farm, well, that would be the best possible thing that could happen, in my humble opinion, because I wouldn't be moving with him. He has no respect for me in my own space...there's no way I'd remove myself to space that isn't mine at all (in his eyes). No way. And he and his sister that, at 40, still can't afford to make ends meet on her 30 hour a week job can figure out how to be grown ups on their own.

So I'm gonna call my friend, the counselor. And I'm gonna pick up my truck tonight (that a good friend fixed for the cost of parts). And I'm gonna pack what I want to eat, and my clothes, and go on my camping trip, because I want to and I look forward to it all year. If he wants to go, fine. He can pack his food and his clothes. But I'm driving. And while I'm there, I'm gonna have a good chat with my friend, the mechanic, about my vehicle situation, and get his honest opinion on husband's effect on the cars, just to make sure I'm not making more of it than there is. And when we get home, I'll unpack my clothes and get ready for my next summer plan. I'll change the oil in my car.

I spent about 40 hours this weekend cleaning the house. REALLY cleaning it. easy child 1 helped outside. easy child 1 is watching the place while I am gone, and will be doing more work outside. When I get home, I will be hiring a housecleaner, and will be taking money for it from husband's check. He doesn't like strangers in his house 'casing his stuff' (he and his family are all a bit paranoid that everyone is out to steal their stuff). He can get over it, or he can pitch in and avoid that expense and having strangers look at his stuff. I don't care which.

The rest, I don't know yet. But I know that much.

And just for giggles, I'm going to take some photos to show you guys.

 

[Star*]

.......You wickid wicked thing......lol.

 

[Shari]

I don't think I'm very wicked, even if I try.

Which, I think, is part of the problem. I just pick up and do, instead of putting my foot down when the problem is small...thus, here I am.

And I already have a couple of photos. I took one of the fish. I also took one a while back of the entire bathroom vanity covered in hair after he trimmed his beard, which, he finally cleaned up when we had people coming over a few days later...

 

[Shari]

Oh, turning a blind eye...

Does that mean ignoring the broken scooter, 3 hoses, 2 broken plastic sleds, recliner, 3 pairs of boots, 8 12v batteries, 3 coolers, 1 broken refrigerator, broken orange extension cord that he strung up on the side of the barn, then no longer needed and just cut it instead of taking it down, tidy cat container full of oil and water, 5 gallon bucket of used oil, and 2 rims/tires that are lying along the path I take from the car to my house (max distance 50 ft)?

Cause, yeah, I'm dealing with that ok.

 

[Shari]

Oh.

And a deer head.

With the flesh rotting off of it. Cause baby, I don't even notice those...

And I exaggerated. My truck repair is only $600.

 

[Mom2oddson]

I hereby bow to the "Blind-Eye" Queen! I could put up with a lot, but ....

And a deer head.

With the flesh rotting off of it.

You have the crown as far as I'm concerned. I could not handle that one! Eeeewwwwww......

 

[Shari]

Lol.

Um, thanks?!??!?

 

[susiestar]

You TOTALLY win the Blind-Eye Queen title! NO WAY would a rotting deer head be overlookable for me. It would gross me out and it HAS to stink something fierce. It would be the kind of thing where I changed the locks and didn't let him in until it was gone. Not just in the garbage. GONE from the property.

Ick. Brings back reminders of gfgbro. He "got" a deer that someone killed because they killed too many while hunting. Hung it in a barn on the property he rented. For several MONTHS. Cause he was in school and had a preg girlfriend planning a wedding (SHE didn't, my mom and I did the wedding because she and he were "too busy"). I saw it at about 3 weeks because the smell was so bad I was afraid one of his buddies died in the barn. Nastiest thing I have EVER seen/smelled/experienced. I puked on his barn floor and refused to clean it up. He got all upset at how "disrespectful" it was for me to puke in an abandoned barn with 2 1/2 walls and a rotting deer carcass. Then my mom went over because she was mostly paying his rent anyway and SHE got knocked over by the smell and puked. On his driveway.


I am shuddering over the remembering of that experience. You are TOTALLY the QUEEN!

 

[susiestar]

Would booting him REALLY hurt Wee? Exactly what, besides threaten Wee with a fist, does he do with Wee each day, week, month? Kids DO need both parents, but they need both parents to be GOOD parents too. NOT something you need to tell ME. You do not have to justify your family in any way to me. But it IS a question you should ask yourself.

 

[Shari]

Its 2 years old (I'm actually kind of amazed that there's any flesh left on it, but there is...) so its way past smelling. Just looks disgusting.

He has a good relationship with Wee most of the time, but I told him after that incident, he needs to read the evaluations done on Wee and understand them, and get it thru his thick noggin that Wee can no more listen and comprehend quickly than husband can read and comprehend quickly (husband is likely dyslexic, also, and does not read well). I copied all the evaluations, highlighted the really important stuff, and told him he was going to read them (which he has been) and understand them, or sit and listen to me read them to him. I also told him, in the same breath, if he wasn't going to be part of the solution, he knew where the door was. We all get annoyed with Wee's antics. husband got annoyed with Wee's antics because he was...you guessed it...watching tv and Wee interrupted him. If you're gonna watch 6 hours a day, your kid is gonna interrupt you - delays or not. Not acceptable, in my book.

He says he's going camping with me. The kids are not going. It could be an interesting weekend, cause I'm not getting over this one very quickly.

(And FWIW, I do think that &^%&* tv is a HUGE part of the problem. It may go. I hate it, because the rest of us enjoy it without it interrupting our lives, but he's almost like an addict with it...it almost consumes him. It definitely controls him and dictates his day.)

 

[susiestar]

Is it time to break the tv and make sure there is no $$ available for a new one? Or to put some strict limits on when it can be on? At times my husband has become dependent on the computer to the point that he stops doing everything else but going to work. He would be on it before work, within 5 minutes of coming home, be nasty to anyone who interrupted him, etc.... I usually am nice about it for a while, then I try to talk to him and he is better for a couple of days, then I get mad and demand, then I take the keyboard and mouse. ALL of them because the man cannot hide anything to save his life. The mouse, etc... go into a locked area and he is a real jerk the first few days as he goes through withdrawal. After that he realizes what he had been doing and why it upsets me. Then he is good for a couple more years. It is a PITA because I feel more like his mom than his spouse, but it has to happen if we were to have survived those times.

 

[ThreeShadows]

You know, Shari, what amazes me as I've been reading how your husband treats his home? I realize that in 15 years my difficult child 1 will have a spouse who will be posting the exact same complaints on this board. It's all stuff he has done to OUR home, including the used motor oil, the extension cord and being a mechanic.

Are you sure he isn't ADHD, ODD? I'm not being sarcastic, your H is my kid. He doesn't think it's a mess. He also has zero respect for women. I'm so much happier now that he left home.

I feel for you, you have been taking on so much responsibility, I wish you had a real man you could lean on because you certainly deserve better.

 

[Marguerite]

Shari, you have cleaned your house now. Maybe set ground rules and reinforce them? "When you disrespect the house and our kids, you disrespect me. When you disrespect me, you loudly proclaim you are not contributing anything positive to this relationship. Fix it or leave. Your choice."

Or you could put it all aside for now and see how things pan out. Your choice. But when anybody makes a choice, even a choice to do nothing, they have to own that choice.

Wee would not suffer for being removed from this sort of environment. Wee needs stability and a good example. He needs a good example fro you, too, on how a woman should be treated. If Wee sees you putting up with so much stuff, it tells him that it is acceptable.

I get that your husband has his own problems. He sounds like he has major addiction issues - take away the TV and the beer, he would find something to replace it. He is wanting an easy ride through life on someone else's coat tails, with other people looking after his needs and then letting him do what he wants. He probably does love you, but you come second to himself. A long way second. When was the last time he spontaneously did something nice for you that he thought of himself, that wasn't birthday or Christmas? I know not all blokes will do this, the lack doesn't necessarily mean anything but I think with your husband, it does.

I really think that for your husband, you are an extension of himself, in his mind. Your sole purpose in life it to smooth his, to have resources he can call on. Your house, your truck, your cleaning abilities, your housekeeping. Although in his mind, it is all his. It all belongs to him. This attitude has come form his family who reinforce it by only referring to HIS place, for example. And what is his is also not worth respecting, it is disposable, to be used and abused until it burns out or gets broken (this includes you). Then it gets replaces somehow, by magic. He whines long enough and magic happens.

If at any time he leaves a mess like the one that started this thread, then you take Wee on a holiday until the problem gets sorted. As for your fear that pushing husband to clean up will mean he takes it out on Wee - that is classic passive-aggressive bullying and abuse, it is not to be tolerated.

If this is your house from before the marriage, then even more he should respect it as this was your space previously. He should respect it anyway, but he doesn't respect his own stuff because he's never had to value it.

I would be tempted to put that rotting deer head in the bed, Godfather-style. "I'm gonna make him an offer that he can't refuse."

As for his beer - leave it. What's the worst that can happen? It goes warm and flat? Tell him it's exactly the same as imported English beer... (old joke between Aussies & Poms) But stop buying his beer. Permanently. Now. Do not throw it out but do not replace it.

Marg

 

[Shari]

I really think that for your husband, you are an extension of himself, in his mind. Your sole purpose in life it to smooth his, to have resources he can call on. Your house, your truck, your cleaning abilities, your housekeeping. Although in his mind, it is all his. It all belongs to him. This attitude has come form his family who reinforce it by only referring to HIS place, for example. And what is his is also not worth respecting, it is disposable, to be used and abused until it burns out or gets broken (this includes you). Then it gets replaces somehow, by magic. He whines long enough and magic happens.

And that's exactly how it feels, and why it bothers me that his parents continually refer to it as "his", and also why I pitched an epic fit about that. They still make reference to the place as his, but he doesn't do anything with the place that he doesn't involve me in anymore. But there's that old saying about how thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habit, and habit becomes character...or something like that. I can't fathom what it would be like with him if we were in a place that wasn't mine to start out...which is why if his parents handed him the deed to their place today, I would not move. Their attitude has become his. I wish I'd have had the family insight before I married him... but, here we are.
You are right, the house is clean, the truck is fixed. I will drive it when we leave on Thur. Things will change cause I'm sick of this. I have thoroughly explained how disrespectful he is to me. I don't mind having to drop reminders, but something has to give.

 

[Marguerite]

Good luck. Stay strong. Don't cave. He still has his own choices, as you have yours. But at any sign of him taking his frustrations out on anybody, keep them apart one way or another until he stops that behaviour. Do not expose Wee to husband's frustrations. Instead, take Wee camping for a couple of days.

Marg