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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 368536" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Shari - </p><p> </p><p>I'm in no way ---NO WAY - telling you to throw him out, or telling you to leave. I do not (repeat) DO NOT - advocate divorce. No one should ever get married thinking - "well I hope this lasts." I also can understand the sheer and utter frustration of growing apart over time, over life, over children, over family, over non-communication, over age, lack of common interest, and a score of other things in your lives - your's and his. Marriage is not just one sided or two-sided. Every relationship is three sided - so is every situation, disagreement and solution. There is always going to be the way YOU see things, the way HE sees things and the way the REST of the world sees it. In turn there is always going to be the way YOU would like to have a particular problem solved, He would like it solved and how it COULD be solved. Finding a happy medium when one of you is the only one searching for middle ground, or when only one of you perceives a situation AS a problem and creates another problem is entirely another situation all together. So in trying to solve these things we seek out the 'normal' first - which is hoping someone will just notice that something they do makes us uncomfortable. This is done by all of us in different ways - and believe me after having a difficult child levels of tolerance is 0-60 for each person so differently it amazes me still. See what bugs me? May not necessarily bug you - and vise-versa. This is what makes reality shows so popular. We like seeing outrageous behavior in others because it gives us a chance to sit back and say "Isn't she ridiculous? I'd do this or I'd do that." It's easy to be an armchair diagnosis-er from 1000 miles away. Like with your hubby? For me? Well - I'm not kidding about the fish parts - I'd have put them right on the bed, and have. (not fish but junk I had had it up to here with when MY personal tolerance level had been reached because I felt I had 1.) given that look, exhaled, rolled my eyes, enough 2.) Done the Honey - could you please take this stuff outside to your shop and put it in your very expensive, you must have it from Snap-On or you will just DIE, so I sacrificed getting a new car that year and for the next how many years after? too box and now you leave your tools where? -- OH H no!!!! and finally 3.) Tersley reminding him daily for like a freakin' week - THESE need to go in that nice NEW FORD SUV parked in the drive - OH OH wait - we didn't get that - we got a SNAP ON TOOL BOX IN THE GARAGE FOR YOU TO PUT THESE IN DIDN"T WE ----nope, nope you are not dead.... and finally 4.) Kicked them out of the way with each pass then in a desperate attempt at female showmanship 5.) IN HIS BED THEY WENT AND VOILA - COVERS OVER THEM.....and HOW INCONVENIENT FOR YOU IS THAT MR.? DO YOU GET MY DRIFT??? LETS GO OUT TO THE GARAGE NOW RIGHT NOW...YES AT 11: PM....NOW....I CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE.....and ........by the time I was done - with it all - the ONLY one that felt like an ass and had stressed myself out for weeks was .....</p><p>me. </p><p> </p><p>So when the tools don't get put away after that? I just pick them up - and put them away and I would get a thank you at first - and then? Then nothing. Then THAT frosted my cheerios. But I either put them away or I upset myself and wasted my time....thinking and plotting of ways to make him "suffer' over those things which he seemed doomed not to care about as much as me. So HOW do I make him care? Ahhhhh well....ya don't. </p><p> </p><p>So either I can bend and not care about where he leaves his tools......or I can start to make choices for myself. (and in the mean time? Better my life, use my time wisely, learn, earn, put back, save....and prepare - make goals for myself) See I have done the "Can we talk?" talks in the past and for a while? He changes, but habits are habits and after a period of what I call - "OH she's off my back." He goes right back to being himself. I don't think it's anything he does to go out of his way to make me angry, and that's something I have to choose to either live with or not. Like your fish on the counter. </p><p> </p><p>With my ex - it was like bricks in a wall. Each greivance he committed against me, each abusive word, or act? Was a brick. Eventually I had a brick wall so high and so wide and so thick that I couldn't reach high enough to put one more brick up on the very, very top no matter how hard I stretched to try to make it work....to get that brick up there, and the last greivance I had against him? I found myself trying to make that brick get up there and heaved it up there with all my might hoping somehow it would get up there ---and it went up. Then just as hard as it went up? It came down and hit me right in the head rendering me dang near unconscious. When I woke up? That's when I realized I couldn't do "IT" anymore. I couldn't take him anymore. I couldn't take the lies, the cheating, the no helping, the stealing, the beating, the everything - understand? Everything about him repulsed me so much....each time I had asked and begged him to help ME....to stop this or that or to listen to what upset ME? It was another brick in MY wall....my wall between us. And eventually that wall was so large? I couldn't see him, hear him, or care anything about him - and when I asked for a divorce? It was him that was amazed - it was HIM that cried NO NO please....don't, I can change....and I. DID. NOT. CARE. I really ----Did not care. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see him. His tears went unnoticed, and it was almost laughable to see him cry. Almost. I was just barely human and had a twinge of compassion as I left the garage - listening to his sobs. ----fainter and fainter '''I can change....I can change." I literally felt evil as I laughed when I pulled out of the drive. But I didn't care. He had his time to change - every time I said "Can we talk, would you please? Can we work on this? Would you help me? I need you to.....and those things went unanswered....or I was ignored, beaten or just left to figure it out on my own - always." I think what he used to say to me was "You'll figure it out - you're smart or Toughen up, deal with it." </p><p> </p><p>I did start counseling - 1 1/2 years before I made the decision to walk in that garage that day and say "I want a divorce." Dude was 3 1/2. And yeah - I know, I know - your hubby isn't beating you and all that jazz....and in your mind even to say he's emotionally abusing you is a stretch - but I think what you need to ask yourself is "Do I have a relationship or am I just sharing a house and bill payments with someone? Do I want to fix how unhappy I am? Does he?" I told you before this is an interesting cycle you go through with him. Every X amount of months or so this comes around and over the last few years it's more frequent. So this says to me (complete outsider) Yeah (nodding) something has changed in him. He's a good man. When you married him - there was spark, passion, romance....love, desire. I'd have to say it was the same for him - doesn't sound to me like he's the kind of guy to marry just to be married. So...I'd want to know from his point what has changed for him? How to you fix it? How do you find out how to get back to spark, passion, romance, love...desire? (I don't want to know personally - (makes icky face ewwwww) but Know what I mean?? and if he won't go right away? YOU GO. Seek counseling and keep going - for yourself, for your marriage. Dont tell me you don't have time. Designate a chore and GO. WOMAN. ! </p><p> </p><p>I was just sitting here thinking too - maybe not such a good idea to put fish parts on his side of the bed when ya'll live on a farm either.....cuz the repercussions of a war could get rather ugly. You put down a fin and a tail.....he puts down a horse apple in your pillow case, you place a cow patty in his boot, he sticks a fish head in your coffee cup.....and so on ......then again you could replace said fish fin with love note....sticky notes are on sale at Staples this week for back to school specials and they are oh so much more fun to get back than horseapples. (swear) - <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>For what it's worth dear - Get into some counseling. For yourself. It helped me more than I could ever say. (I'm near normal and due to be released from happyville any day now) <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> But all kidding aside. I hope you figure out what's bugging both of you - and I don't think he's ----no I KNOW he's not going to come out and tell you because I don't think he even knows. </p><p> </p><p>Just wanted to clarify that - ----that and I luv ya. It'll be okay. </p><p>Hugs and more hugs....and pink ponies....</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 368536, member: 4964"] Shari - I'm in no way ---NO WAY - telling you to throw him out, or telling you to leave. I do not (repeat) DO NOT - advocate divorce. No one should ever get married thinking - "well I hope this lasts." I also can understand the sheer and utter frustration of growing apart over time, over life, over children, over family, over non-communication, over age, lack of common interest, and a score of other things in your lives - your's and his. Marriage is not just one sided or two-sided. Every relationship is three sided - so is every situation, disagreement and solution. There is always going to be the way YOU see things, the way HE sees things and the way the REST of the world sees it. In turn there is always going to be the way YOU would like to have a particular problem solved, He would like it solved and how it COULD be solved. Finding a happy medium when one of you is the only one searching for middle ground, or when only one of you perceives a situation AS a problem and creates another problem is entirely another situation all together. So in trying to solve these things we seek out the 'normal' first - which is hoping someone will just notice that something they do makes us uncomfortable. This is done by all of us in different ways - and believe me after having a difficult child levels of tolerance is 0-60 for each person so differently it amazes me still. See what bugs me? May not necessarily bug you - and vise-versa. This is what makes reality shows so popular. We like seeing outrageous behavior in others because it gives us a chance to sit back and say "Isn't she ridiculous? I'd do this or I'd do that." It's easy to be an armchair diagnosis-er from 1000 miles away. Like with your hubby? For me? Well - I'm not kidding about the fish parts - I'd have put them right on the bed, and have. (not fish but junk I had had it up to here with when MY personal tolerance level had been reached because I felt I had 1.) given that look, exhaled, rolled my eyes, enough 2.) Done the Honey - could you please take this stuff outside to your shop and put it in your very expensive, you must have it from Snap-On or you will just DIE, so I sacrificed getting a new car that year and for the next how many years after? too box and now you leave your tools where? -- OH H no!!!! and finally 3.) Tersley reminding him daily for like a freakin' week - THESE need to go in that nice NEW FORD SUV parked in the drive - OH OH wait - we didn't get that - we got a SNAP ON TOOL BOX IN THE GARAGE FOR YOU TO PUT THESE IN DIDN"T WE ----nope, nope you are not dead.... and finally 4.) Kicked them out of the way with each pass then in a desperate attempt at female showmanship 5.) IN HIS BED THEY WENT AND VOILA - COVERS OVER THEM.....and HOW INCONVENIENT FOR YOU IS THAT MR.? DO YOU GET MY DRIFT??? LETS GO OUT TO THE GARAGE NOW RIGHT NOW...YES AT 11: PM....NOW....I CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE.....and ........by the time I was done - with it all - the ONLY one that felt like an ass and had stressed myself out for weeks was ..... me. So when the tools don't get put away after that? I just pick them up - and put them away and I would get a thank you at first - and then? Then nothing. Then THAT frosted my cheerios. But I either put them away or I upset myself and wasted my time....thinking and plotting of ways to make him "suffer' over those things which he seemed doomed not to care about as much as me. So HOW do I make him care? Ahhhhh well....ya don't. So either I can bend and not care about where he leaves his tools......or I can start to make choices for myself. (and in the mean time? Better my life, use my time wisely, learn, earn, put back, save....and prepare - make goals for myself) See I have done the "Can we talk?" talks in the past and for a while? He changes, but habits are habits and after a period of what I call - "OH she's off my back." He goes right back to being himself. I don't think it's anything he does to go out of his way to make me angry, and that's something I have to choose to either live with or not. Like your fish on the counter. With my ex - it was like bricks in a wall. Each greivance he committed against me, each abusive word, or act? Was a brick. Eventually I had a brick wall so high and so wide and so thick that I couldn't reach high enough to put one more brick up on the very, very top no matter how hard I stretched to try to make it work....to get that brick up there, and the last greivance I had against him? I found myself trying to make that brick get up there and heaved it up there with all my might hoping somehow it would get up there ---and it went up. Then just as hard as it went up? It came down and hit me right in the head rendering me dang near unconscious. When I woke up? That's when I realized I couldn't do "IT" anymore. I couldn't take him anymore. I couldn't take the lies, the cheating, the no helping, the stealing, the beating, the everything - understand? Everything about him repulsed me so much....each time I had asked and begged him to help ME....to stop this or that or to listen to what upset ME? It was another brick in MY wall....my wall between us. And eventually that wall was so large? I couldn't see him, hear him, or care anything about him - and when I asked for a divorce? It was him that was amazed - it was HIM that cried NO NO please....don't, I can change....and I. DID. NOT. CARE. I really ----Did not care. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see him. His tears went unnoticed, and it was almost laughable to see him cry. Almost. I was just barely human and had a twinge of compassion as I left the garage - listening to his sobs. ----fainter and fainter '''I can change....I can change." I literally felt evil as I laughed when I pulled out of the drive. But I didn't care. He had his time to change - every time I said "Can we talk, would you please? Can we work on this? Would you help me? I need you to.....and those things went unanswered....or I was ignored, beaten or just left to figure it out on my own - always." I think what he used to say to me was "You'll figure it out - you're smart or Toughen up, deal with it." I did start counseling - 1 1/2 years before I made the decision to walk in that garage that day and say "I want a divorce." Dude was 3 1/2. And yeah - I know, I know - your hubby isn't beating you and all that jazz....and in your mind even to say he's emotionally abusing you is a stretch - but I think what you need to ask yourself is "Do I have a relationship or am I just sharing a house and bill payments with someone? Do I want to fix how unhappy I am? Does he?" I told you before this is an interesting cycle you go through with him. Every X amount of months or so this comes around and over the last few years it's more frequent. So this says to me (complete outsider) Yeah (nodding) something has changed in him. He's a good man. When you married him - there was spark, passion, romance....love, desire. I'd have to say it was the same for him - doesn't sound to me like he's the kind of guy to marry just to be married. So...I'd want to know from his point what has changed for him? How to you fix it? How do you find out how to get back to spark, passion, romance, love...desire? (I don't want to know personally - (makes icky face ewwwww) but Know what I mean?? and if he won't go right away? YOU GO. Seek counseling and keep going - for yourself, for your marriage. Dont tell me you don't have time. Designate a chore and GO. WOMAN. ! I was just sitting here thinking too - maybe not such a good idea to put fish parts on his side of the bed when ya'll live on a farm either.....cuz the repercussions of a war could get rather ugly. You put down a fin and a tail.....he puts down a horse apple in your pillow case, you place a cow patty in his boot, he sticks a fish head in your coffee cup.....and so on ......then again you could replace said fish fin with love note....sticky notes are on sale at Staples this week for back to school specials and they are oh so much more fun to get back than horseapples. (swear) - :winking: For what it's worth dear - Get into some counseling. For yourself. It helped me more than I could ever say. (I'm near normal and due to be released from happyville any day now) :raspberry-tounge: But all kidding aside. I hope you figure out what's bugging both of you - and I don't think he's ----no I KNOW he's not going to come out and tell you because I don't think he even knows. Just wanted to clarify that - ----that and I luv ya. It'll be okay. Hugs and more hugs....and pink ponies.... Star [/QUOTE]
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