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Parent Emeritus
The grey area: keeping difficult child safe vs. enabling (update & need advice)
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 176286"><p>bertie...I can so much relate to your post. Our daughter has Bipolar I illness and it can get very complicated. It is difficult to fully explain the situation to outsiders. We have been able to make some progress by asking her to hold herself accountable for most things and we do this in increasing increments. When she gets herself in a jam...we almost always tell her to get herself out of it. If she starts to excerbate the situation, we might ask her to do what she can and we will help her with the rest. In other words, to meet us half way. There are times, if we feel that she is in danger, that we would help. I do believe that I would always be inclinced to provide for medical care and encourage difficult child to get extra help (medication/therapy) especially when she is going through times of great stress. I think this is one area where our adult child is particularly vulnerable and that is the inability to self soothe when things go wrong. So, she would really benefit if she could learn immediately seek medical treatment for these situations and that it can be remedied and move forward. If your son could also learn that, it would make it easier for him. I also agree with the other poster, if you haven't done so already, do consider seeing a therapist for yourself to help you learn how to best cope with the up and down disappointments and heartaches. In my mind, we can empathize with our adult children...not sympathize with them. We can't get so invested in their situations. We might help a little more with someone with a diagnosis, but this can only go so far. I do think we have to detach and make difficult and complicated decisions and often do all this while the world is upside down. Is it reasonable to expect to do this without assistance? Wishing you well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 176286"] bertie...I can so much relate to your post. Our daughter has Bipolar I illness and it can get very complicated. It is difficult to fully explain the situation to outsiders. We have been able to make some progress by asking her to hold herself accountable for most things and we do this in increasing increments. When she gets herself in a jam...we almost always tell her to get herself out of it. If she starts to excerbate the situation, we might ask her to do what she can and we will help her with the rest. In other words, to meet us half way. There are times, if we feel that she is in danger, that we would help. I do believe that I would always be inclinced to provide for medical care and encourage difficult child to get extra help (medication/therapy) especially when she is going through times of great stress. I think this is one area where our adult child is particularly vulnerable and that is the inability to self soothe when things go wrong. So, she would really benefit if she could learn immediately seek medical treatment for these situations and that it can be remedied and move forward. If your son could also learn that, it would make it easier for him. I also agree with the other poster, if you haven't done so already, do consider seeing a therapist for yourself to help you learn how to best cope with the up and down disappointments and heartaches. In my mind, we can empathize with our adult children...not sympathize with them. We can't get so invested in their situations. We might help a little more with someone with a diagnosis, but this can only go so far. I do think we have to detach and make difficult and complicated decisions and often do all this while the world is upside down. Is it reasonable to expect to do this without assistance? Wishing you well. [/QUOTE]
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The grey area: keeping difficult child safe vs. enabling (update & need advice)
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