the guys she picks......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sue C, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Melissa recently met a 25-yr-old man (T)at a bar. We weren't too thrilled about that. But he came over to pick her up so they could go watch movies at Melissa's friend's house and he insisted on coming inside to meet us. T is in the National Guard and was in Iraq for 18 months. He's living at home with his parents, working, and going to school part-time. He seemed like a very nice young man and we liked him a lot. When they left, husband and I looked at each other and said practically at the same time, "Now there's someone she needs. Not Brandon."

    You see, she still tries to hold on to ex-boyfriend Brandon. They are supposedly friends, but they fight and fight and then when it's convenient for HIM, they get together and she usually spends the night with him. Makes me sick that she lets him use her!

    Anyway, back to T. He came along with us recently to watch Melissa drag race (she's won 3 trophies so far!). Again, he seemed like a very nice person, and we enjoyed his company.

    Well, Melissa called T last night to see if he wanted to go watch the fireworks. He said no 'cuz he was in a bad mood. She said maybe the fireworks would cheer him up. He then told her that Iraq messed him up and that when he gets in a bad mood, he gets violent and he didn't want to be around her when he got like that. YIKES! (When Melissa told husband and me this, we just gave each other a look 'cuz of Melissa's rages.) She said she suggested a counselor to him (we had to nearly laugh at this 'cuz we've told her plenty of times she needs to see a counselor and will not go), but he said he didn't have the money and he didn't need to tell his problems to anyone when he knew that it was because of being in Iraq.

    How the heck is she drawn to this type of person without even knowing this about him??? It's very strange.

    Brandon has ADHD and has wide mood swings. P (a friend from high school who she was hanging out with for awhile and we think she was letting him "use" her, too) has depression and low self-esteem. J (former boyfriend who is engaged and she was hanging out with for awhile) has depression and claims he put a gun in his mouth one time and contemplated pulling the trigger. Some of the girls she has for friends have problems (one was anorexic and a cutter, one has a husband who hits her and she stays with him).

    She has one girl friend she's been hanging out with a lot lately. She's from middle school and she happened to run into her. Melissa says sometimes she can't take her anymore 'cuz she's always so cheerful.

    Misery loves company????

    Sue
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh! You mean it is always going to be drama filled with difficult child????

    Yuck!!!

    I do think they are drawn to each other.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    If you think about it, we all pick our friends by what we have in common. Why would our kids be any different?

    When Melissa feels better about herself or feels more hopeful about her future, she will have friends and relationships that reflect that. You wait and see.

    In the meantime, I hope that T gets some help. They are really paying attention to the PTSD and "chemical" warfare problems of our servicemen these days. Thank goodness.

    Suz
     
  4. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you think about it, we all pick our friends by what we have in common. Why would our kids be any different? </div></div>

    Suz -- That makes sense. And it also makes sense that when Melissa feels better about herself, she will have different friends. T must have shown signs of something-or-other at the bar, and husband & I just saw the "normal" side of him. He seemed like a great guy--quiet, polite, looks you in the eye when he talks to you. I hope he will seek the help he needs.

    I just remembered another guy Melissa recently met. She told husband and me she thought he was gay and they were "just friends." Her "cheerful" friend S had introduced them. We saw S the other day. husband asked her about this guy 'cuz he had stopped calling. She said he wasn't interested in Melissa--that he said she was crazy. That's all she would say.

    Sue
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sue

    I do think difficult children are drawn to each other.

    Another thing to consider with this T.... husband won't go to fireworks displays. He says it reminds him of gunfire and Vietnam. I don't know how much action this boy saw, but this might be some of the reason he didn't want to go. I hope he finds someone to talk to. He sounds like a nice kid.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> When Melissa feels better about herself or feels more hopeful about her future, she will have friends and relationships that reflect that. You wait and see.
    </div></div>

    I'm pinning my hopes on that philosophy with Nichole. She still lets boyfriend tromp all over her, although it's better than it was. :frown:
     
  6. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Lisa -- OMG! I never thought about the fireworks themselves being noisy and sounding like bombs!! T said he was in infantry and he mentioned how scarey it was not knowing whether your vehicle was going to be blown up by a roadside car bomb or not. I cannot imagine the anxiety our young men and women in Iraq feel (but I am soooo proud of them!).

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I'm pinning my hopes on that philosophy with Nichole. She still lets boyfriend tromp all over her, although it's better than it was. </div></div>

    I hope that Nichole will leave her boyfriend, just like I hope Melissa will forget about ex-boyfriend. She stayed overnight at his house again last night and now he'll probably be mean to her today and this weekend. Yuck!

    Sue
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I have a different take on the friend issue. I do like to have all kinds of friends, if they were all just like me it would be too common-like merely hanging out with a mirror version of myself.

    I like diversity, friends with diff interests and personalities. that way I can learn new stuff from them, etc. I do not necessarily have friends who have stuff in common with me, instead I like a mix.

    ant picks people nothing like us or how we raised him. in fact, as soon as he discovers they are difficult children he is tired of them fast. I think the old adage of raise a child the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it...holds true.

    melissa told you about him because she found him to be different from what she is used to. perhaps melissa thinks she can fix these people...and is compassionate...like you. :wink:
     
  8. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> perhaps melissa thinks she can fix these people...and is compassionate...like you. :wink:
    </div></div>

    This is all of my childredn. They want to fix everything for everybody. They will come to us and say, can you pay for an extra school trip because so and so can't go they have no money. Can I have so and so come over and hang out their Dad and Mom scream and yell all the time, Etc. husband calls it saving the world one person at a time...
     
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I see it as a diversionary tactic. If they are immersed in helping others they feel like they are doing good without having to work on themselves. They also like to compare themselves to others to reinforce their perception of how they are "OK" and it is just us parents that are taking issue. -RM
     
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